Advice From God

Dear God,

I don’t know if you heard, but a couple months ago, after she and John McCain lost the 2008 presidential election, Sarah Palin told a television reporter that she was praying a lot about whether to run for President in 2012.

“OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door,” she said.

So, God, are you encouraging Sarah Palin to run for President in 2012?

- Paula

Paula,

It just so happens that I do have an open door, just for Sarah, but it’s not the door of the White House. It’s the emergency exit out of the governor’s mansion in Juneau.

I want Sarah Palin to open an ice cream shop in Wasilla. It is her calling in life. It is what I want her to do.

Please, Sarah, stop pretending. Get out your scoop, and practice your banana split.

- God

Dear God,

I’m reading reports about Sarah Palin’s church and its obsession with python spirits, what are supposed to be demonic creatures. Apparently, the people at the Wasilla Assembly of God church rant and rave about stomping on the heads of python spirits.

I guess I can understand that people don’t like the idea of demons, but the language out of that church seems extremely violent to me. Why is it that we’re supposed to be violent against demons because of their cruelty? Isn’t that a contradiction? Shouldn’t we face cruelty with compassion?

- Buck

Buck,

Yes, I think you understand much better than Ed Kalnins. Remember, when Jesus said, “Turn the other cheek,” he didn’t say, “except for python spirits and other demonic forces”.

I’m good friends with a python spirit myself. His name is Luigi. He likes to tickle me with his tongue. It’s kind of creepy, but I like him.

- God