Advice From God

Dear God,

I am an enthusiastic believer in the power of esoteric knowldge. You, surely, are in possession of the most profound level of knowledge possible.

It is with this in mind that I ask you, God, to explain to me the esoteric truth underlying the mystery of the Trinity.

- Benedict

Benedict,

To understand the deeper significance of the Trinity, you need to start with the fundamental truth that, as God, I am omnipresent.

From that primal truth, you must accept that I am present in strawberries. Given that strawberry nature of my divinity, you must then confront the theological challenge of neapolitan ice cream. You gaze upon the Trinity of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. Which flavor do you eat first?

Remember the command I gave through the prophet Moses: Thou shall have no other gods before me. So, have the strawberry ice cream first.

Of course, being omnipresent, I am also in the chocolate and vanilla. That is the deep mystery of the Trinity.

- God

Dear God,

I hear that you consist of a Holy Trinity. Is that like having schizophrenia?

Are they going to make a movie about you called The Three Faces of God?

–Frank

Frank,

I have far more than three faces, and no, it’s not like having schizophrenia. Yes it is. No, it isn’t. Shut up. No, you shut up.

We had a green light on The Three Faces of God, until someone central to the project got caught driving drunk and spewed some unfortunate epithets. The money in Hollywood dried up pretty quickly after that. I’ve got to get a new producer for My movies.

Over the course of human history, billions of people have lived on earth. Each one of them was created in My image, but they all look different. How is that possible? There’s only one logical answer: I have trillions of different faces. I have your face at age five, your face at age 30, and your face at age 70. I have your face before you shave in the morning, and your face after you shave. So many different faces. Good thing all things are possible with Me, let Me tell you.

–God