Advice From God

Dear God,

I am on an airplane after a long day of work, and am trying to get some sleep. However, the people behind me won’t stop talking to each other using very loud voices. For the past 20 minutes, they have been discussing whether Lima or Santiago is the capitol city of Chile.

I can’t stand it any more. How can I get them to be quiet?

- Marcos

Marcos,

You might try being enigmatic. Turn around quietly, point your finger to the ceiling, and then say, “Do you hear the sounds of the ghosts of all the children that I should have had? They sound very frustrated.”

Wait for an answer. Then, point to the ceiling one more time, and turn around without saying anything more.

- God

Dear God,

Pat Robertson, head preacher at the Christian Broadcasting Network, says that you have been kicked out of Dover, Pennsylvania as a result of the vote of the people there to replace a school board that was trying to force Christian Intelligent Design theology on students in biology classes.

As a loyal follower of you, and of Pat Robertson, I want to avoid this nest of vipers. The problem is that I live in Maytown, just to the north of Dover, and have to commute to York to get to my office. That takes me right through Dover.
How do I get to York without betraying the Christian Broadcasting Network?

- Marian

Marian,

If I were you, I would travel north to Pinetown and then cut east over to route 83. From there it’s an easy and fast shot to the south.

Of course, I’m not you. I’m God. So, I’m already in York, even if I’m in Maytown. Easy commute for me. There’s a great sub shop on the south end of town, but remember, I’m in the pickle too, so be gentle when you bite down, okay?

- God