Advice From God

Dear God,

I’m confused. I’m watching the debate in the Senate today about the FISA Amendments Act, which would make permanent the Protect America Act, which allows the Executive Branch of the federal government to conduct massive electronic spying operations against innocent Americans without any search warrant, any judicial review, or any meaningful congressional oversight.

The FISA Amendments Act also allow the government to access private customer information and accounts held by any corporation.

The FISA Amendments Act amounts to a coup d’etat by the Executive Branch against the Legislative and Judicial branches, and against the Constitution.

But, it occurs to me, as I watch this debate, that if you are really real, God, then this whole government spying thing ought to be completely unnecessary.

I mean, it’s totally weird that Christian leaders in government are asking for such extensive electronic espionage powers. If they really believe in you, God, why do they need spies and electronic spying networks?

If they’re worried about terrorists, or other threats, why don’t they just use the power of prayer? Really. Why don’t they just pray on it, if they’re really Christian believers?

Why don’t they just say, “God, please tell me if there is any terrorist group who is going to attack the United States this week.” Then, you could respond to the prayer, and tell the President and his Cabinet if there’s any violent fanatic they need to worry about.

It’s almost as if the President and all his top advisors don’t actually believe in the power of prayer, and just say that they do to earn political points by adopting a pious posture.

Am I wrong?

- Diane

Diane,

Yes, you certainly are wrong. Very, very wrong.

You know how all the dinosaur fossils were created by Satan just to tempt sinful scientists into believing in evolution? Well, this situation is the same. Satan has created the appearance of a logical gap in the White House’s call for massive new spying powers, in order to tempt you into not being a Republican.

What you must do is just ignore the logical gap in the White House’s policies, and believe with all your heart that everything that George W. Bush asks for is honest and good. That’s the only way to avoid Satan’s trap.

Let the government spy on you, or you will go to Hell.
- God

Dear God,

I read just yesterday about how the Bush government has been demanding that search engines like Yahoo, MSN and Google turn over their databases of private information about what web sites Americans have been looking for and visiting. Apparently, President Bush decided that he needed to know what kinds of pornography Americans are looking at. Yahoo and MSN are said to have caved in to Bush’s demands, while Google did the right thing and said no to Bush.

On a legal level, this news disturbs me because it seems illegal for the President to go snooping into Americans’ private behavior just in order to find out what kind of pornography they like. On a more philosophical level, it makes me wonder about what Google really is. The Google database is many, many times bigger than the Holy Bible, or any human-compiled library, for that matter.

So, what I want to know is this: Is Google bigger than you, God?

- Irving Bonn

Irving

Google is bigger than me. In fact, Google is bigger than the universe.

It makes sense, if you think about it. After all, the universe is only the universe. Google, on the other hand, contains the direct records of the universe, plus a huge stream of comments about the universe.

So, if there’s a big rock outside of Cheyenne, Wyoming, Google will have the picture and measurements of the rock, a satellite photo of the rock from space, a map of the rock in relation to prominent roads, a web site about the rock, a blog chronicling developments related to the rock, and a discussion board debating the various qualities of the rock.

Medieval monks illuminating the Bible had nothing on the Googleverse.

Yet, I still have a leg up on Google. Google is bigger than me, but I speak through George W. Bush, the President of the United States. Can Google say that?

- God