Advice From God

Dear God,

I recently read that new research shows that Christianity is a terrible place for women to find husbands. It seems that Christian churches are jam packed full of women, but not so many men. It was suggested to me that I go look among atheists if I wanted to meet a future husband.

Is this good advice?

- Suzy

Suzy,

It’s true that I’ve always been more interested in women than men, though I do swing both ways, if you know what I mean. I am fully anatomically correct, and that intimidates a lot of men who might otherwise become Christians, given that I’m the size of the entire universe.

So, the answer depends on what you’re interested in. Yes, if you’re looking for an available human male for marriage, you’ll have better luck among atheists than among Christians.

If marriage isn’t really what’s on your mind, though, I can show you a really good time – no commitments.

Call me.

- God

Dear God,

Today, I am not writing my praise to You from Red Lobster like I usually do. Instead, I thought I’d see if I could pick up the Starbuck’s wifi hotspot from a barbecue restaurant down the street over a plate of spareribs. Seems to be working well. Sweet.

Anyhow, thanks for the help passing Proposition 8. We really worked around the clock on that one, and I know we couldn’t have done it without You. The good folk of California are celebrating our victory over the forces of evil O Lord. We know well and obey your word:

“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” (Leviticus 18:22)

May the gays and bisexuals and perverts and blasphemers hear and obey the law! Praise to You, Almighty Lord.

-Your Humble Servant, Gary

Dear Gary,

It is indeed humble of you to assume that you have My blessing on an ill-conceived proposition repealing civil rights on the basis of things consenting adults do in private that your wife secretly wishes you would try on her. How meek and timorous of you to think your vindictive little grudge against family, liberty and equality has the full force of My will. The next time you wonder whether I am weighing in on one of your petty little propositions, look for signs like rains of frogs or ballots spontaneously combusting the instant a voter marks “No on 8.”

The next time you want to protect a traditional family, ease up on taking people’s rights away and spend more time at home with your wife, Gary. And attend to it properly. I hear her prayers too.

You are taking Leviticus 18:22 out of context, Gary. When I say “thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind,” I’m not talking to people like you who are more or less straight when they’re not being sanctimoniously anti-sexual. I am talking to closeted gays like Ted Haggard. I don’t want them engaging in the same-old perfunctory copulation they perform with their wives when they finally get a chance to be with a man on the lowdown. I want them to mix it up a little, call that hot bodybuilder masseur and tell him to bring some crystal meth baby, yeah.

What? I’m against crystal meth? Really? Where does it say so in the Bible, Gary? What are you trying to say, the Bible is not my word to you? I didn’t have the power or omniscience to get the Bible to forbid crystal meth even though it wasn’t invented when the Bible was written?

Now you’re really starting to incur my wrath, Gary.

How much of Leviticus did you actually read? How about those king crab legs you wolf down while you praise me? Hath it fins and scales, Gary? Moveth it in the waters? You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you Gary?

“These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat. And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.” (Leviticus 11:9-11)

Sound familiar? Of course not. Because you never read the Bible, Gary. And don’t try to bullshit me, I’m omniscient. By the way, those seashells you collected last year by the shore–get them out of your house, ye have their carcasses in abomination.

So now you’ve gone from king crab legs to barbecue spare ribs. That’s a dead pig you’re gnawing on there, Gary. Divideth it the hoof? Cheweth it the cud? No clue again, Gary? Why (other than being omniscient) am I not surprised?

“And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be cloven-footed, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcass shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.” (Leviticus 11:7-8)

That’s two sins you’re blithely committing while you falsely praise me for backing your stupid little gay bashing proposition. Why would I be anti-gay? It doesn’t make sense. I am a man. I am omnipresent. I am whole and complete in every point in space. Now chew on this for a while, Gary: if my complete male body is present in every point in space, where is my penis right now? It’s in you, Gary. That’s right. Think on that the next time you get all high and mighty about the queers. Not that I’m gay. I’m actually bisexual. As we speak, my penis is also inside your wife’s body-at least one of us is up to the task.

But hey, congratulations on getting that Starbuck’s wifi to work on your laptop. Wait a second, isn’t Starbuck’s wifi for Starbuck’s customers? Did you buy anything at Starbuck’s, Gary? No. Still not catching on to how this works, are you?

“Thou shalt not steal.” (Exodus 20:15)

Next time you get an urge to pick on a queer to, y’know, to do the world a favor and all, do Me a favor and don’t. Go home, pay attention to your wife, read your Bible, and try to grow a brain.

-God

Dear God,

I walked out my front door to find a swarm of dying mayflies on the sidewalk. Why is it that you designed mayflies to live only for one day and then die? It seems awfully cruel to me.

- Rosemarie

Rosemarie,

It is a common misconception that mayflies live only for one day. The truth is that they live in their adult form for one day, but they live in their larval form for much longer – a few weeks.

There’s a clear reason for this arrangement that might just help you feel better about the whole thing. What you don’t know about mayflies is that they’re born terrorists.
Mayflies possess an unrivaled mental aptitude that makes their inherent terroristic nature particularly dangerous. You may think that human beings are the most intelligent species on the planet, but you’re wrong. It’s mayflies. They’re geniuses beyond human comprehension.

If mayflies were able to live more than one day, they would, in their malice, design, construct and explode a bomb capable of creating a crater the size of New Zealand.

Mayflies have a harsh political agenda which they seek to achieve by any means necessary. Their manifesto: Liberate the Omaha Seventeen! Nobody, not even I, know who the Omaha Seventeen are, much less how to liberate them, and that makes the mayflies such a terrible threat. You see, mayflies do not accept that ignorance is an excuse for inaction.
Every morning, during mayfly season, millions upon millions of mayflies emerge from their larval state, have group sex while flying in the air, and then set upon their dastardly mission of designing the ultimate superweapon. By nightfall, their plans are complete, and they go to bed with the agreement that they’ll build the weapon and detonate it before breakfast. Then, they all die.

You should be grateful, very grateful, to see your sidewalk littered with their carcasses, the little buggers.

- God