Advice From God

Dear God,

I serve a small, non-denominational Christian church in a small community in the upper Midwest. I have come to believe that the people in my rural county have no one else to provide them with spiritual guidance.

That makes my problem all the worse. You see, I can’t seem to write a good sermon. Church attendance is getting lower and lower. God, how can learn how to write a sermon that will keep my flock in attendance?

- Reverend Ernie Payle

Ernie,

I have looked into you heart. The answer is that you cannot learn to write a good sermon… unless you go to the people at BuyYourCheap.com, who are selling, as they put it, “A great sermons product”.

They explain, “It can be quite a daunting task, especially if you’ve never written one before. Where do you start? What will be your topic? Which portion of the Bible are you expounding on?”

I want to warn you, Ernie, that if you start expounding on the Bible, you ought to have a tissue handy, so that you don’t stain it.

Another source I recommend is SermonWorld.com: “the monthly sermon subscription service that will revolutionize the way you do ministry! Imagine always being prepared a month in advance with complete sermon manuscripts and accompanying Powerpoint files”. This service promises extra “goodies” only available to subscribers.

There’s many a Christian preacher I know who just couldn’t continue in his profession without resorting to those extra “goodies” every now and then, if you know what I mean.

- God