Advice From God

Dear God,

That’s My Congress reports that Senator Orrin Hatch got an independent of over $25,000 from the American College of Radiology after Hatch promoted legislation to protect radiologists from professional competition.

Do you count this as an example of political corruption?

- Mari

Mari,

Certainly, it is not an instance of corruption. In fact, it never happened.

You may have heard how, in order to lead sinful humans astray, Satan created the appearance of fossils that seem to suggest the development of life on earth through natural selection. Well, now the same thing has happened to Orrin Hatch. The Devil has, through his magical dark arts, placed the appearance of the payment of an independent expenditure to benefit Senator Hatch in the Federal Election Commission database.

It’s a sign of how very very holy Orrin hatch is. Only the most godly politicians would be attacked by demonic forces in this way.

- God

God,

I feel awkward asking you about this, and hope you won’t take it the wrong way. It has to do with Barry C. Black, the official, government-paid high priest of the United States Senate.

He’s been coming out in public, and making it seem that he’s your boss. He’s actually been making speeches in which he gives you instructions – commands, even. Last week, for example, he said on the floor of the Senate, “Most Merciful God, who is the fountain of all grace, the source of all goodness, and in whose keeping are the destinies of nations, endue the minds of our lawmakers with wisdom. Set their feet with a steadfast purpose to fulfill Your will, day by day, by faithful labor and selfless service.”

The way I see it, there are two possibilities. First, Barry C. Black could truly have the power to command you, God. That would make Black the true master of the universe. The second possibility, though, is that he’s just pretending that he can order you around, telling you to manipulate members of Congress to serve his whims.

Which is the truth?

- Mark

Mark,

Sadly, I am under the dark magical powers of Barry C. Black. He has cast an evil spell on me, after selling his soul to an evil demon named Francois.

Now, Barry C. Black has the power to command me, and I must do whatever he asks. As you can see by the content of his directions to me last week, Reverend Black is intent upon using me to manipulate members of Congress to work for his own dark plans, in what he calls “selfless service”.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused. I’m watching the debate in the Senate today about the FISA Amendments Act, which would make permanent the Protect America Act, which allows the Executive Branch of the federal government to conduct massive electronic spying operations against innocent Americans without any search warrant, any judicial review, or any meaningful congressional oversight.

The FISA Amendments Act also allow the government to access private customer information and accounts held by any corporation.

The FISA Amendments Act amounts to a coup d’etat by the Executive Branch against the Legislative and Judicial branches, and against the Constitution.

But, it occurs to me, as I watch this debate, that if you are really real, God, then this whole government spying thing ought to be completely unnecessary.

I mean, it’s totally weird that Christian leaders in government are asking for such extensive electronic espionage powers. If they really believe in you, God, why do they need spies and electronic spying networks?

If they’re worried about terrorists, or other threats, why don’t they just use the power of prayer? Really. Why don’t they just pray on it, if they’re really Christian believers?

Why don’t they just say, “God, please tell me if there is any terrorist group who is going to attack the United States this week.” Then, you could respond to the prayer, and tell the President and his Cabinet if there’s any violent fanatic they need to worry about.

It’s almost as if the President and all his top advisors don’t actually believe in the power of prayer, and just say that they do to earn political points by adopting a pious posture.

Am I wrong?

- Diane

Diane,

Yes, you certainly are wrong. Very, very wrong.

You know how all the dinosaur fossils were created by Satan just to tempt sinful scientists into believing in evolution? Well, this situation is the same. Satan has created the appearance of a logical gap in the White House’s call for massive new spying powers, in order to tempt you into not being a Republican.

What you must do is just ignore the logical gap in the White House’s policies, and believe with all your heart that everything that George W. Bush asks for is honest and good. That’s the only way to avoid Satan’s trap.

Let the government spy on you, or you will go to Hell.
- God

Dear God,

I see in the news that Senator Joseph Lieberman is supporting Republican tax cuts for the rich, thinks that invading Iraq was a great idea, and says that Democrats who criticize George W. Bush are putting America in peril. I remember back in 2000, when Joseph Lieberman said that the Bill of Rights gives Americans “freedom of religion, not freedom from religion.” It sounds to me like Joseph Lieberman is a Republican, and a pretty extreme Republican at that.

Why doesn’t Joseph Lieberman just acknowledge his right wing beliefs and join the Republican Party?

- Wenzel

Wenzel,

Senator Lieberman is what you might call a political transvestite. I arranged for Joseph Lieberman to be born a Republican, but something went wrong with his upbringing, and little Joey decided to dress up as a Democrat. Now, some say that Senator Lieberman did so for crass political purposes, because the Democratic Party is where he made powerful connections. I prefer to look at Senator Lieberman’s problems as more along the lines of a mental disorder.

Don’t worry about the Senator from Connecticut, though. I understand that he has joined a support group, and plans on returning to his Me-given true Republican identity any minute now.

- God

Dear God,

I have recently heard reports that President George W. Bush has set up secret prisons in old Soviet-era gulags in Eastern Europe, in Poland and perhaps Romania. There are credible allegations that President Bush is having people tortured at those prisons.

I understand that George W. Bush talks to you a lot. What has Mr. Bush told you about what happens to people in those secret prisons of his?

- Edmund

Edmund,

Sorry, I can’t tell you. You see, I have to respect the will of the American people. They, or their representatives, have spoken. Just a couple of days ago, in the United States Senate, Senator Carl Levin introduced Senate Amendment 2430, which would have created an independent commission to investigate allegations of torture and other forms of abuse of prisoners in George W. Bush’s international network of secret prisons.

Although many senators voted in favor of the amendment, not a single Republican voted to approve commission. So, because the Republican majority of the U.S. Senate voted to block the commission to investigate torture, I feel obliged to keep my mouth shut. As long as the Republican majority in your Congress says that it’s going to refuse to ask any questions about the torture being conducted by the Bush Administration, I’ll go along with their decision.
You see, George W. Bush isn’t the only Republican who talks to me. Jack Abramoff talks to me too, and he has arranged some pretty nice favors to come my way over the years.

- God