Advice From God

Dear God,

I have become very worried ever since Sarah Palin failed to become Vice President in last year’s election. As she and her church in Wasilla said, it was clear that you, God, had a plan for Sarah. I worry that the plan was thwarted, and I know that there are always consequences when the will of God is thwarted.

Then, today, I read that the will of God is being thwarted in other places too. In the Nigerian state of Ogun in Nigeria, Governor Otunba Gbenga Daniel has warned that Satan is on the move against his divinely ordained political leadership there too: “The events of the recent days have shown urgent need for Allah’s intercession as these events have revealed that certain agents of Satan are bent on taking over our state. Through various machinations, they have tried to destabilize the peace that prevails in the state.”

Is there a connection, God?

- Julie

Julie,

Yes, certainly there is a connection. After all, there is, through me, a connection between all things.

Here’s the connection: Everybody is out to get me. Haven’t you noticed it? All these people all over the world are going against the will of God. Why? I work, and I work, and it never seems that it’s good enough, and now they want what’s mine!

Sarah Palin and Otunba Gbenga Daniel are different in one respect, however. Whereas Governor Palin is my servant, Governor Daniel is the servant of Allah. Allah, to be frank, is a poser.

Allah wants to be like me, but I am God and Allah is Allah. That doesn’t stop Allah from following me around and imitating everything that I do.

When I started wearing long flowing robes, Allah started wearing long flowing robes. When I got some prophets, Allah had to get prophets as well.

Now that Satan is working against my political servants on Earth, well Allah thinks that he has to have the agents of Satan working against him too. I got Sarah Palin, and he got Otunba Gbenga Daniel.

Oh, it irritates me! Go on and be a god, Allah, but get your own look, okay? Everybody knows you’re just a wannabe.

- God

Dear God,

Why did you design the octopus with eight arms? Wouldn’t four arms have been just as effective? Couldn’t you gave gone to ten arms, as long as you were going for a big quantity?

- Jean-Jacques

Jean-Jacques,

The octopus has eight arms because it’s called the octopus. Duh. Oct means eight, you know.

Look, you’re not a deity, so you don’t understand how this works. First, you name the animal. Then you create it. So, I named the animal the octopus, and then I had to give it eight legs.

Same thing with the centipede. I named it the centipede, and then I had to give it 100 legs.
Yes, I know – centipedes don’t really have 100 legs. That’s because of Satan, who keeps on trying to make me look bad. He knocked some of the centipede’s legs off. He said it was for the sake of efficiency.

Efficiency is the devil’s tool.

- God

Dear God,

I noticed a couple of days ago that 18 of your earliest blog postings are gone. How come?

- Stan

Stan,

It’s Satan’s fault. He sent a demonic horde of hackers out, with infernal worms and hellish viruses to attack our heavenly server.

Don’t worry, though. All that stuff that we lost and was not backed up on our server somewhere is just the old testament. You can rest assured that our Heavenly web masters have updated the cosmic system software to prevent such diabolical security breaches in the future.

- God