Advice From God

Dear God,

I have been dating this very nice guy, but I just think of it as a casual thing. The trouble is that he’s recently been saying how he’s in love with me. I am definitely not in love with him. So, I told him that he should feel free to see other people, but he doesn’t want to do that. What do you think I should do?

- Patty

Patty,

I think you should tell this guy that you have been seeing other people, like the Virgin Mary. Have sex with him one last time, and then, when you’re getting out of bed, tell him that you see the image of the Virgin Mary in the wrinkled bedsheets.

Don’t let him touch the blankets. Every time he does, scream, “You’re hurting our Blessed Mother!” Pray in Latin at the foot of the bed. Twitch a little for extra effect.

Then, get out your cellphone and pretend that you’re calling the local Catholic Church to have them send a priest over right away. So long as you don’t crack a smile, your relationship should be over fairly soon, and you won’t have to feel guilty about it because your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend will want it that way.

- God

Dear God,

I have been thinking about it for some time now, and have decided that I would like to have a personal relationship with Jesus. The trouble is, I really don’t know how to go about establishing this relationship. Do you have any advice for me?

- Marvin

Marvin,

I really don’t know how to put this to you, but the fact is that Jesus is already spoken for. Jesus has been in a committed relationship with Isis for almost two thousand years now, and to be honest, I just don’t see them breaking up any time soon.

I would be less direct in my answer to you, but I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life waiting in vain.

Also, my earthly publicists also tell me that I am against same-sex romantic relationships, though I can’t remember ever saying so. It’s in Leviticus something or other, I think.

It just so happens that there is a nice single young woman living right down the street from you. Would you like me to set you up on a blind date?

Best of luck to you,
God