Advice From God

Dear God,

Yesterday, you made reference to an eighth day of Creation, something that isn’t mentioned in the Bible.

My curiosity can’t hold out until you volunteer the information. I have to ask: What did you create on the eighth day, God?

- Louie

Louise,

I am so glad you asked, but I have a feeling you won’t be so glad when you get the answer. On the eighth day of Creation, I made an infinite number of parallel dimensions, each with an alternative version of the reality that you know. This infinite number of dimensions was an unavoidable consequence of free will, which I made when I created human beings.

You see, each alternative reality represents another possibility – the world as it would have been if someone had made just one different decision. Morally, that means that even if you live the most ethical life possible in this reality, in another dimension, you’re an incurable sinner.

That means that, no matter how hard you try, you’re doomed to burn in Hell for all eternity, and it’s all your fault… or at least your fault in some other dimension. Prepare the asbestos.

- God

Dear God,

I have been going through some difficult times in my life, and I have tried to turn to you for help. So far, though, you have not helped me. I have refused to be discouraged, and I keep on searching. My quest has been to understand, as I suffer, what God really wants from me, and why he has made me endure such suffering.

Then, yesterday, I came across some writings by the Reverend Earnest Anderson. Reverend Anderson writes, “God wants us to have a spiritual growth spurt. He wants us more mature like His Son so that we can play a bigger part in His eternal purposes.”

Well, that told me all I needed to know. But, now I’m angry at you, God. It seems that you only value us human beings as some kind of livestock, so that you can fatten us up for the slaughter.

You feed us hope, so that we can have a “spiritual growth spurt”, but in the end, you intend to treat us just like you treated Jesus. You’re going to kill all your followers, in one form or another, through automobile accidents, or cancer, or Alzheimer’s, and you’re going to get your spiritual nutrition from our suffering as we parish.

God, you are like a vampire. I’m on to your schemes. So now, I want you to tell me what I have to do to fend off your sadistic sacrificial plans. Tell me, or I’ll spill the beans.

- Andrew

Andrew,

Well, it’s the same thing as with vampires, really. Garlic.

If you want to be free from the curse of suffering and death, you must wear a clove of fresh garlic around your neck at all times. Never let yourself be free of that clove of garlic, however – not even for a second, even to take a shower. The minute you let your guard down, you will be subject to my curse again.

I’ll be watching and waiting, Andrew, for you to let that garlic slip out of your grasp. I’m going to get you, Andrew, and then your spiritual growth spurt will be mine to feast upon, slowly, savoring every last morsel.

- God