You may have heard that there’s a big controversy this year about the National Day of Prayer. Christian organizations say that the government ought to be helping their religion, while a judge has pointed out that such government projects are explicitly unconstitutional.
What’s your advice for our leaders? Do you support the National Day of Prayer?
- Lynnie
Lynnie,
Are you kidding me? Why would I support the National Day of Prayer?
When it comes to prayer, people are always thinking about themselves. In my experience, there are two kinds of prayer:
1) Prayers in which people make long winded speeches pretending to tell me about myself. This kind of prayer is always done in front of other people, who are always the real audience.
These prayers go something like this: “Heavenly God, who made certain rules that we must obey, you look down on us and judge us when we stray. You want us to follow your impressive word, and listen to those who speak your true teachings. Help us, Lord, to correct those who disagree with us, and you, as we seek to censor books in the public high school library. We pray in your mighty name, known to all who seek a righteous life, and not libertine smut. Amen.”
2) Whining.
The National Day of Prayer is a national day of whining and selfish speeches. Why would I support that?
Give me some peace. Please, no National Day of Prayer.
- God
]]>I feel awkward asking you about this, and hope you won’t take it the wrong way. It has to do with Barry C. Black, the official, government-paid high priest of the United States Senate.
He’s been coming out in public, and making it seem that he’s your boss. He’s actually been making speeches in which he gives you instructions – commands, even. Last week, for example, he said on the floor of the Senate, “Most Merciful God, who is the fountain of all grace, the source of all goodness, and in whose keeping are the destinies of nations, endue the minds of our lawmakers with wisdom. Set their feet with a steadfast purpose to fulfill Your will, day by day, by faithful labor and selfless service.”
The way I see it, there are two possibilities. First, Barry C. Black could truly have the power to command you, God. That would make Black the true master of the universe. The second possibility, though, is that he’s just pretending that he can order you around, telling you to manipulate members of Congress to serve his whims.
Which is the truth?
- Mark
Mark,
Sadly, I am under the dark magical powers of Barry C. Black. He has cast an evil spell on me, after selling his soul to an evil demon named Francois.
Now, Barry C. Black has the power to command me, and I must do whatever he asks. As you can see by the content of his directions to me last week, Reverend Black is intent upon using me to manipulate members of Congress to work for his own dark plans, in what he calls “selfless service”.
- God
]]>This week, Daniel Couglin, the official priest of the U.S. House of Representatives, offered the following statement in prayer: “Sometimes You may draw back from our momentary attention just to make us pray all the more ardently and increase our desire for Your presence or refine our request.”
I don’t understand this statement. How can withdrawing from people’s attention cause people to pray more ardently for you? Why would you run away from the people who worship you?
- Sam
Sam,
It’s all part of my Divine Plan ™. I chose to create the human soul in such a way that it would only pay attention to me when I am running away from the attention of humans. See, if people are paying attention to me, they start to take me for granted. That’s why I choose to help people forget me, so that they stop paying attention to me, and thus reach into a higher relationship with me.
If that doesn’t make sense, think about it in terms of supernatural dating. If you have a new girlfriend, don’t call her this Friday evening. Instantly, she’ll become more attractive to you. Basically, I’m playing hard to get with the human race. By making it seem that I don’t exist or don’t care, I get people praying that I’ll just pay them the slightest bit of attention.
It gratifies my vanity, and if you’re a divine being like me, vanity is bread and butter.
- God
]]>When I got home from a trip to the grocery store today, a question occurred to me that I never stopped to ask before. I can’t think of an answer.
Please help me. Why do Christians wear seat belts when they get into cars? Couldn’t they just pray to you for protection, and then if they got hurt in a car accident anyway, figure that it was your will and accept the injury as a blessing in disguise?
- George
In Christianity, wearing a seat belt is a sacrament that is meant to re-enact the seating of Jesus as my successor in Heaven. The belt represents a hug from Jesus.
George,
- God
]]>Do you ever really answer our prayers?
- Yusef
Yusef,
Do you ever answer the front door when a dog barks outside? Do you ever open the refrigerator for the ants on your kitchen counter? Do you ever restrain yourself from using antibacterial soap when you know that there are germs on your hands? Do you ever turn off your porch light when you see moths dashing their soft bodies against it on a summer evening?
- God
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