Advice From God

Dear God,

I am planning to run for a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives next year, as an independent candidate. What are the steps that I can take to guarantee my victory?

- Jim

Jim,

1. Make sure that you are legally qualified for office. Are you a citizen? Are you above the minimum age?
2. Get all your petitions signed and turned in on time.
3. Make sure all your required campaign forms are filed correctly.
4. Meet with reporters from all local newspapers. Build friendships with them.
5. After the date for candidates to enter the race has ended, murder all your opponents. Don’t get caught.

Good luck with your campaign, Jim.

- God

Dear God,

During her campaign for Vice President in 2008, footage came out suggesting that Sarah Palin thought that you wanted her to go to the White House, as part of your plan for the universe. Now that she’s resigned, Palin has suggested that the resignation is part of a plan for her to go on to greater things.

God, do you endorse Sarah Palin’s resignation, and is it part of a larger, divine plan for her?

- Merlin

Merlin,

Yes, I endorse Sarah Palin’sw resignation. In fact, I appeared to Palin the night before her speech, in the form of a wilting houseplant. I said to her, “Sarah, you must resign as Governor of Alaska in order to serve my plan for the Universe.”

“What is that plan, God?” she asked me. I told her that she had to have faith and trust in the Lord. So, she did. Now that she’s resigned, however, I can tell you what my divine plan is.

There’s a boy who lives in Juneau. He’s 8 years old, and he’s a good boy, and his mom and dad love him. His favorite thing is to ride his bicycle all around town.

Later this month, at 7:17 PM on Thursday the 26th, that boy is destined to be riding his bicycle at the corner of Mallard Street and Crest Street. At the same time, a truck carrying a box full of dictionaries was destined to be driving around the same corner, hitting the boy and killing him… unless that truck could be delayed for just a little bit.

The afternoon before I spoke to Sarah Palin, her advisors had held a linguistic intervention with her. They said that unless she learned to speak better English, she would never be a successful governor.

A few hours later, a teary-eyed Palin opened up a telephone book to the letter B, and picked up the phone. She asked the Hearthside Books & Toys store if they had any dictionaries. They told her there was just one left on their shelves, and asked if she would like them to hold it for her.

I saw my opportunity. Right then and there, I interrupted the telephone call and told Palin what she had to do.

Yes, Sarah Palin’s resignation was part of my divine plan for the world. Because Palin has yet to buy a dictionary, a little Alaskan boy will come home to his mother and father a few weeks from now.

- God

Dear God,

I have become very worried ever since Sarah Palin failed to become Vice President in last year’s election. As she and her church in Wasilla said, it was clear that you, God, had a plan for Sarah. I worry that the plan was thwarted, and I know that there are always consequences when the will of God is thwarted.

Then, today, I read that the will of God is being thwarted in other places too. In the Nigerian state of Ogun in Nigeria, Governor Otunba Gbenga Daniel has warned that Satan is on the move against his divinely ordained political leadership there too: “The events of the recent days have shown urgent need for Allah’s intercession as these events have revealed that certain agents of Satan are bent on taking over our state. Through various machinations, they have tried to destabilize the peace that prevails in the state.”

Is there a connection, God?

- Julie

Julie,

Yes, certainly there is a connection. After all, there is, through me, a connection between all things.

Here’s the connection: Everybody is out to get me. Haven’t you noticed it? All these people all over the world are going against the will of God. Why? I work, and I work, and it never seems that it’s good enough, and now they want what’s mine!

Sarah Palin and Otunba Gbenga Daniel are different in one respect, however. Whereas Governor Palin is my servant, Governor Daniel is the servant of Allah. Allah, to be frank, is a poser.

Allah wants to be like me, but I am God and Allah is Allah. That doesn’t stop Allah from following me around and imitating everything that I do.

When I started wearing long flowing robes, Allah started wearing long flowing robes. When I got some prophets, Allah had to get prophets as well.

Now that Satan is working against my political servants on Earth, well Allah thinks that he has to have the agents of Satan working against him too. I got Sarah Palin, and he got Otunba Gbenga Daniel.

Oh, it irritates me! Go on and be a god, Allah, but get your own look, okay? Everybody knows you’re just a wannabe.

- God

Dear God,

I don’t know if you heard, but a couple months ago, after she and John McCain lost the 2008 presidential election, Sarah Palin told a television reporter that she was praying a lot about whether to run for President in 2012.

“OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door,” she said.

So, God, are you encouraging Sarah Palin to run for President in 2012?

- Paula

Paula,

It just so happens that I do have an open door, just for Sarah, but it’s not the door of the White House. It’s the emergency exit out of the governor’s mansion in Juneau.

I want Sarah Palin to open an ice cream shop in Wasilla. It is her calling in life. It is what I want her to do.

Please, Sarah, stop pretending. Get out your scoop, and practice your banana split.

- God

Dear God,

In 2007, Alan Keyes said he was called by his “allegiance to God and his authority” to run for President. Then, Alan Keyes lost the campaign. He didn’t even get the Republican nomination.

But, I see now that people are asking whether there might have been some crazy divine purpose to the Alan Keyes for President campaign anyway. “How do you know that God did not tell him that? Did you ask God?” one person asks.

Is it true, God? In spite of the fact that Alan Keyes went down to a humiliating defeat, did you have some purpose in having him run for President in the 2008 election?

- Peregrin

Peregrin,

For a long time, I have resisted answering this question. I could go on, but the effort tires me. Yes, I had a purpose in having Alan Keyes run for President.

In 2002, I watched in terrible embarrassment as MSNBC ran the political talk show Alan Keyes Is Making Sense. To have created the world, only to have such a rotten creation broadcast around it, was a torment to me.

I told Alan Keyes to run for President in the 2008 election so that it would be proved to the world, once and for all, that Alan Keyes is not making sense – and that MSNBC’s political reporting isn’t making sense either.

Also, I never got one of the political buttons from the earlier Alan Keyes for President campaign, and I really wanted one for my collection.

- God

Dear God,

Sarah Palin has made it clear on many occasions that she believes that you, and not the voters of the United States of America, will decide who wins the election of 2008. Palin says that she supports you in disenfranchising the American voters. She says she just wants God’s will to be done.

So what is it, God? What is your will in the presidential election of 2008?

- Jules

Jules,

I’m a religious leader, and so I think it’s inappropriate for me to endorse any particular candidate for public office. However, I’ll come right out and state that it is not my will that Sarah Palin be elected as Vice President of the United States. Heck, I don’t even think she should be re-elected as Governor of Alaska.

Sarah Palin ought to know that there is a difference between her will and my will. She is not God. I am. I mean, our hair is nothing at all alike, and I don’t wear glasses!

So, on Election Day, my endorsement is for anyone but Sarah Palin and… oh, who is that other guy she’s running with? Well, what’s his name doesn’t have my support either.

You’ve heard the divine word straight from God now, so all you values voters out there know what you have to do. That includes you, Sarah. Obey the will of God. Don’t vote for yourself.

- God

Dear God,

I’m reading reports about Sarah Palin’s church and its obsession with python spirits, what are supposed to be demonic creatures. Apparently, the people at the Wasilla Assembly of God church rant and rave about stomping on the heads of python spirits.

I guess I can understand that people don’t like the idea of demons, but the language out of that church seems extremely violent to me. Why is it that we’re supposed to be violent against demons because of their cruelty? Isn’t that a contradiction? Shouldn’t we face cruelty with compassion?

- Buck

Buck,

Yes, I think you understand much better than Ed Kalnins. Remember, when Jesus said, “Turn the other cheek,” he didn’t say, “except for python spirits and other demonic forces”.

I’m good friends with a python spirit myself. His name is Luigi. He likes to tickle me with his tongue. It’s kind of creepy, but I like him.

- God

Dear God,

Senator Joseph Biden has declared his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President in 2008. I’m wondering, though, how Senator Biden thinks that he can win the Democratic nomination, much less the general election, given that Biden supported George W. Bush’s decision to start the war in Iraq.

If you were working for the Biden for President campaign, what would you do to compensate for this dramatic failure in judgment?

- Polly

Polly,

I would advise Senator Biden to do exactly what he has done in his campaign so far: Pretend that he never supported Bush or the Iraq War.

I am well aware that Joe Biden helped Bush start the Iraq War back in 2002 and 2003. I have a better memory than most people, however. Many Americans assume that, because Biden is a Democrat, he opposed the war and tried to stop Bush.

Many Americans also don’t know that two of Biden’s Democratic opponents in the 2008 presidential campaign, Barack Obama and Dennis Kucinich, had the wisdom to oppose the Iraq War from the start. So, if I were on Biden’s campaign staff, I would advise him to make more statements like the one he made in January, 2007, completely ignoring the early insight of Obama and Kucinich on the Iraq War. Biden derided these opponents, pretending that they had not said anything on the Iraq War until recently, commenting, “You didn’t hear any one of them get in this debate at all until they announced for President.”

You and I may know that candidates Obama and Kucinich had developed better Iraq policies than Biden years ago. Then again, I’m not registered to vote, and most Americans who are registered to vote don’t know as much about the Iraq War as you do.

It’s a sad thing to say, but Senator Biden can probably count on the ignorance of American voters.

- God

Dear God,

I see in the news that Senator Joseph Lieberman is supporting Republican tax cuts for the rich, thinks that invading Iraq was a great idea, and says that Democrats who criticize George W. Bush are putting America in peril. I remember back in 2000, when Joseph Lieberman said that the Bill of Rights gives Americans “freedom of religion, not freedom from religion.” It sounds to me like Joseph Lieberman is a Republican, and a pretty extreme Republican at that.

Why doesn’t Joseph Lieberman just acknowledge his right wing beliefs and join the Republican Party?

- Wenzel

Wenzel,

Senator Lieberman is what you might call a political transvestite. I arranged for Joseph Lieberman to be born a Republican, but something went wrong with his upbringing, and little Joey decided to dress up as a Democrat. Now, some say that Senator Lieberman did so for crass political purposes, because the Democratic Party is where he made powerful connections. I prefer to look at Senator Lieberman’s problems as more along the lines of a mental disorder.

Don’t worry about the Senator from Connecticut, though. I understand that he has joined a support group, and plans on returning to his Me-given true Republican identity any minute now.

- God