Advice From God

Dear God,

I am an enthusiastic believer in the power of esoteric knowldge. You, surely, are in possession of the most profound level of knowledge possible.

It is with this in mind that I ask you, God, to explain to me the esoteric truth underlying the mystery of the Trinity.

- Benedict

Benedict,

To understand the deeper significance of the Trinity, you need to start with the fundamental truth that, as God, I am omnipresent.

From that primal truth, you must accept that I am present in strawberries. Given that strawberry nature of my divinity, you must then confront the theological challenge of neapolitan ice cream. You gaze upon the Trinity of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. Which flavor do you eat first?

Remember the command I gave through the prophet Moses: Thou shall have no other gods before me. So, have the strawberry ice cream first.

Of course, being omnipresent, I am also in the chocolate and vanilla. That is the deep mystery of the Trinity.

- God

Dear God,

Today, I am not writing my praise to You from Red Lobster like I usually do. Instead, I thought I’d see if I could pick up the Starbuck’s wifi hotspot from a barbecue restaurant down the street over a plate of spareribs. Seems to be working well. Sweet.

Anyhow, thanks for the help passing Proposition 8. We really worked around the clock on that one, and I know we couldn’t have done it without You. The good folk of California are celebrating our victory over the forces of evil O Lord. We know well and obey your word:

“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” (Leviticus 18:22)

May the gays and bisexuals and perverts and blasphemers hear and obey the law! Praise to You, Almighty Lord.

-Your Humble Servant, Gary

Dear Gary,

It is indeed humble of you to assume that you have My blessing on an ill-conceived proposition repealing civil rights on the basis of things consenting adults do in private that your wife secretly wishes you would try on her. How meek and timorous of you to think your vindictive little grudge against family, liberty and equality has the full force of My will. The next time you wonder whether I am weighing in on one of your petty little propositions, look for signs like rains of frogs or ballots spontaneously combusting the instant a voter marks “No on 8.”

The next time you want to protect a traditional family, ease up on taking people’s rights away and spend more time at home with your wife, Gary. And attend to it properly. I hear her prayers too.

You are taking Leviticus 18:22 out of context, Gary. When I say “thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind,” I’m not talking to people like you who are more or less straight when they’re not being sanctimoniously anti-sexual. I am talking to closeted gays like Ted Haggard. I don’t want them engaging in the same-old perfunctory copulation they perform with their wives when they finally get a chance to be with a man on the lowdown. I want them to mix it up a little, call that hot bodybuilder masseur and tell him to bring some crystal meth baby, yeah.

What? I’m against crystal meth? Really? Where does it say so in the Bible, Gary? What are you trying to say, the Bible is not my word to you? I didn’t have the power or omniscience to get the Bible to forbid crystal meth even though it wasn’t invented when the Bible was written?

Now you’re really starting to incur my wrath, Gary.

How much of Leviticus did you actually read? How about those king crab legs you wolf down while you praise me? Hath it fins and scales, Gary? Moveth it in the waters? You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you Gary?

“These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat. And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you: They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.” (Leviticus 11:9-11)

Sound familiar? Of course not. Because you never read the Bible, Gary. And don’t try to bullshit me, I’m omniscient. By the way, those seashells you collected last year by the shore–get them out of your house, ye have their carcasses in abomination.

So now you’ve gone from king crab legs to barbecue spare ribs. That’s a dead pig you’re gnawing on there, Gary. Divideth it the hoof? Cheweth it the cud? No clue again, Gary? Why (other than being omniscient) am I not surprised?

“And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be cloven-footed, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcass shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you.” (Leviticus 11:7-8)

That’s two sins you’re blithely committing while you falsely praise me for backing your stupid little gay bashing proposition. Why would I be anti-gay? It doesn’t make sense. I am a man. I am omnipresent. I am whole and complete in every point in space. Now chew on this for a while, Gary: if my complete male body is present in every point in space, where is my penis right now? It’s in you, Gary. That’s right. Think on that the next time you get all high and mighty about the queers. Not that I’m gay. I’m actually bisexual. As we speak, my penis is also inside your wife’s body-at least one of us is up to the task.

But hey, congratulations on getting that Starbuck’s wifi to work on your laptop. Wait a second, isn’t Starbuck’s wifi for Starbuck’s customers? Did you buy anything at Starbuck’s, Gary? No. Still not catching on to how this works, are you?

“Thou shalt not steal.” (Exodus 20:15)

Next time you get an urge to pick on a queer to, y’know, to do the world a favor and all, do Me a favor and don’t. Go home, pay attention to your wife, read your Bible, and try to grow a brain.

-God

Dear God,

I am totally Your biggest fan. I have read all Your books and I just love them, especially Revelation. It is so cool.

The other day, I was thinking about how amazing it is that You are everywhere all at once. The only problem was, I happened to be sitting on the toilet at the time. I wondered, should I go to the bathroom? I don’t want to go to the bathroom on You Lord, but if you’re everywhere in the whole universe at the same time, I really don’t see how I can avoid it. I can’t hold it in forever. What should I do?

- Penny

Penny,

In your lavatorial musings, you appear to have stumbled onto a conundrum inherent in the doctrine of divine omnipresence. That’s a lot of fancy God talk that means yes, I am everywhere all at once, and it does seem like a problem.
The thing is, Penny, I am not just in the toilet. I am also inside your intestines. So if you hold it in, you’re not really doing me any favors. Furthermore, I transcend time. That means that as far as I am concerned the food you eat is already excrement before you even put it in your mouth, except for communion wafers because they are magic.

Try not to indulge in theological speculation while you’re in the bathroom. Straining too hard to empty your bowels can affect the flow of oxygen to your brain, inducing a state of deep thought. Try to avoid that. It is not good for you.

- God

Dear God,

Pat Robertson, head preacher at the Christian Broadcasting Network, says that you have been kicked out of Dover, Pennsylvania as a result of the vote of the people there to replace a school board that was trying to force Christian Intelligent Design theology on students in biology classes.

As a loyal follower of you, and of Pat Robertson, I want to avoid this nest of vipers. The problem is that I live in Maytown, just to the north of Dover, and have to commute to York to get to my office. That takes me right through Dover.
How do I get to York without betraying the Christian Broadcasting Network?

- Marian

Marian,

If I were you, I would travel north to Pinetown and then cut east over to route 83. From there it’s an easy and fast shot to the south.

Of course, I’m not you. I’m God. So, I’m already in York, even if I’m in Maytown. Easy commute for me. There’s a great sub shop on the south end of town, but remember, I’m in the pickle too, so be gentle when you bite down, okay?

- God