Advice From God

Dear God,

I just read an article about Dutch artist Johan van der Dong saying that he’s set up the telephone number 06-4424-4901 (316-4424-4901 from outside the Netherlands) as a place where people will be able to call and leave a voice mail for God.

I have a difficult time believing that it’s for real. After all, Johan van der Dong sounds like a name some teenager would dream up as part of a joke. So, is it true? Can I reach you by calling that telephone number?

- Alvin

Alvin,

No, you can’t really call me directly at that telephone number. It’s just human performance art.

I do have a telephone number. Anyone who suggests that I don’t is a heretic who fails to believe in my omnipotence. Do they really believe that God does not have the power to have a telephone number? Well, not only do I have that power, but I also have the power to make my telephone number unlisted.

Don’t despair at contacting me by telephone, though. You see, as an omnipotent being I also have the power to wiretap any telephone I want to, including the telephone number set up by that Dutch artist. So, go ahead and make that call if you like. I just might be listening in.

Then again, when you make a telephone call to God, sometimes the answer is, “I’m sorry, but I can’t come to the phone right now…”

- God

Dear God,

Where did you go? I came to Advice From God earlier today, and found nothing but a blank screen of blue. Now I see that this divine advice column has changed, adopting a new look.

My religious faith is rocked to the core. I thought that you were supposed to be eternal, and unchanging, God. How could you have gone away? How could you have changed your look?

- Louie

Louie,

I may be eternal, but I am also omnipotent.

If I don’t have the power to update my look, then I am not omnipotent. If I don’t have the power to go away for a while and no longer exist, then I am not omnipotent.

Also, you need to reconsider your idea that I am just one thing. After all, if I don’t have the power to be two-faced, then I am not omnipotent.

Expand your mind, Louie. Also, try to have some patience as I get all the Advice From God features back up. Creation of the Earth took me eight days, after all…

… and just wait until I tell you about that eighth day.

- God

Dear God,

They say that you are omnipotent, that you can do anything. I don’t believe it.

There’s got to be at least one thing that you can’t do, or you wouldn’t be able to be powerless, and therefore you wouldn’t be all powerful.
So, what’s one thing you can’t do?

- Horatio

Horatio,

You caught me. There is one thing that I can’t do: Drive legally in the state of Florida. Go ahead and look it up in the official records: I’ve never been issued a driver’s license there.

Just let the Florida State Police try to pull me over, though. Just let them try.

- God

Dear God,

Christ did not think killing people and brain washing them was the right way to change the world around him, Lenin did. Christ did not see God as a product of “The Man” meant to suppress those weaker but as a Father-Creator.

Lenin wore red, Christ most likely wore brown.

Lenin wore shoes, Christ wore sandals.

-Chase

Dear Chase,

Is that a question? Or are you trying to tell Me what’s what?

I beg your pardon (and I’m cutting you a heck of a break beggin your pardon, let me tell you) but I most certainly DO think that killing and brain washing people is the way to go.

I’m omnipotent. People die. Do the math.

I demand faith, or else. I could give you proof of my existence, but I don’t. But you better believe in me. Now, that’s not brainwashing, and the reason it’s not brainwashing is because I say it’s not brainwashing. You don’t think it’s brainwashing, do you?

Think about it for a while.

Now stop! Believe in me on blind faith!
Now think about it again.
Stop!
Think!
Have faith!
Red light!
Green light!
Red light!
A hah! Caught you! You’re still doubting me. You’re in trouble, buddy.
I love that game.

-God

Dear God,

If you are all powerful like everybody says, can you make a rock that is so heavy that even you can’t lift it?

- Brad

Brad,

Yes, you smart ass, I can.

It is within my power to create a rock that is so heavy that even I can not lift it. Then, it is also in my power to jolly well lift it if I so please.

Got a problem with that? (Before you answer, keep in mind that I’m holding an unholdable rock in my hand.)

- God