Advice From God

Dear God,

I want to have a personal relationship with you, but I feel kind of distant from you still. Maybe it’s just a personal hangup, but I don’t feel that a relationship is very personal when I’m not on a first name basis with someone.

God, do you have a first name, and do you mind if I call you by that name, instead of just calling you “God”?

- Edwin

Edwin,

I do indeed have a first name. It’s Bill. God is my family name.

When I tell them this, a lot of people assume that my first name is William, because that sounds more formal. They’re still in awe of me, and so they call me William.

I am not William. My mother named me Bill. Just Bill. If you call me by the name of William, then you are engaging in heresy.

I’ve just set up a Twitter account under my full name, Bill God, though I haven’t added a picture of me there yet, as I think that would be idolatry.

But, please, don’t call me by the name Bill. Although it’s my first name, I don’t really like it very much. I wish I was named something a bit more flowery, like Aloysius.

Besides, I’ve worked very hard to become God, and I think that my work deserves some recognition. No one ever gave me a trophy, or a wall plaque. So, please just call me God. It’s easier that way.

- God