Advice From God

Dear God,

I’m confused about what to say to people this holiday (Christmas? sorry!) season. I want to include all my friends who practice Kwanzaa or Hanukkah. After all, there are a lot of holidays this time of year. I don’t want to offend anybody by just assuming everybody’s Christian. Then again, I’m a Christian and I’m proud of it, so sometimes I just want to say “Merry Christmas.” Should I say “Season’s Greetings,” “Happy Holidays,” or “Merry Christmas?”

-Lillian

Lillian,

The proper greeting is “Happy Jesus’s Birthday,” or “Merry Christmas.” Don’t settle for cheap imitations.

There are two kinds of people in the world: people who celebrate Christmas and people who would if they knew what was good for them. Whoever you’re talking to, it’s one or the other. The best way to include your friends who practice Kwanzaa or Hanukkah is to convert them to Christianity. Then you can include them when you go to heaven, too.

Jesus is the reason for the season. Now, I know what you’re thinking: some Copernican claptrap the secular humanists fed you in public school about the angle of the earth’s axis relative to the plane in which it rotates around the sun having something to do with the reason for the season. Well, that’s not in the Bible, so it’s not true.

And what is all this politically correct pablum about not offending people? I sent my own son to live among you that you might have an example to follow in leading your lives. And boy, did he have a knack for offending people. Go forth, follow in the footsteps of the Savior and start ticking people off. The next time someone at one of those massive retail stores wishes you “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” just look them square in the face and say,

“Do I look like I celebrate Hanukkah or something? That’s Merry Christmas, if you don’t mind!”

Then just let them have it about how the corporate elite of their massive retail chain is nothing more than a global network of moneylenders just like those Jesus drove from the temple. Tell them that the way they destroy small town family businesses, shop around for cheap sweatshop goods made by exploited foreign labor, screw over their employees, harass unions, and poison the environment is a betrayal of every value Jesus taught the world in the name of His Father. Actually, never mind. I don’t really care about all that stuff.

But boy it chaps my ass when someone says “Happy Holidays!”

-God