Advice From God

Dear God,

I’m confused. Who are God’s chosen people? It seems that almost every ethnic group has some kind of belief that it is the special, divinely chosen, and authentic.

So, which group is it? Who are God’s chosen people?

- Dan

Dan,

Spinosaurus aegyptiacus. They were my chosen people.
Never heard of Spinosaurus aegyptiacus? That’s because they’re extinct.

They were the biggest meat eaters ever to walk the land on planet Earth, huge dinosaurs 55 feet long. They were bigger than Tyrannosaurus Rex.

A few of them were left, still living in peace in Egypt a few thousand years ago, until they were enslaved. Moses was the last of the Spinosaurus aegyptiacus people, and he had to flee after he ate the high priest in the temple of Isis, to die in the desert.
The Jews played a trick on the rulers of Egypt by saying that they were dinosaurs too, and would eat the Pharaoh and his family. That’s why the Pharaoh let the Jews go. Locusts had nothing to do with it.

- God

Dear God,

I was recently reading the Book of Numbers, Chapter 31, in which you commanded Moses to slaughter the people of Midian. Moses, as part of that slaughter, commanded his followers to kill all the little boys, saying, “Now therefore kill every male among the little ones.”

When the followers of Moses killed all the little boys they captured from Midian, you did not protest. You did not tell Moses he had done a bad thing by commanding the massive slaughter of children. In fact, it is implied in the Book of Numbers that Moses committed this atrocity at your suggestion.

Yet, in my country today, it is a crime to round up little children and kill them. Are these laws against the murder of children in violation of the will of God? If so, when is it okay to kill little boys, and when is it a sin?

- Daniel

Daniel,

You’ve got it all wrong.

That chapter from the Book of Numbers was rewritten by the descendents of Moses, so that he would not look bad.

I certainly did protest against the slaughter of those innocent boys by Moses. The children of Moses had those protests censored.
What I really said to Moses was this: “Now therefore kill every male among the little swans.” I was just suggesting to Moses that he might want to go with his soldiers on a hunting party in the marshlands around Midian.

Moses just wasn’t paying close attention to what I said. That was pretty typical of him. Why, did you know that I dictated 47 commandments to him when I appeared to him as a burning bush? Moses didn’t take notes, and he just came back with those tablets showing the ones he could remember off the top of his head, and he didn’t even get all of that right.

I would never, ever, ever, condone murder. I am, after all, omnibenevolent. For every contradiction of that truth in the Holy Bible, I can show you a serious typographical error.

- God