Advice From God

Dear God,

My house has lost half its value over the last two years. Now, my mortgage is 125 percent of the amount I could sell my house for.

What do I do?

- Sydney

Sydney,

The Book of Proverbs advises, “Every wise woman builds her house, but the foolish plucks it down with her hands.”

In other words… well, to be frank, I have no idea what that means. Who has ever heard of a woman plucking down a house with her hands? What if a man plucks down a house? Is that wise?

Here’s what you do: You rent out your house to people who will pay for the mortgage with their rent, while you go live somewhere else.

Above else, do not be like King Hezekiah. He didn’t rent his house. he rented his clothes, silly man. As the Book of Isaiah tells it, “he rent his clothes, and covered himself with sackcloth, and went into the house of the Lord.”

- God

Dear God,

I was just reading the wise words of Justin Meyer of the Calvary Christian Church, writing in the St. Helena Star. He was pointing out that people would do a whole lot better and not have so many problems if they would just start listening to what you said.

Meyer said, “We serve such a great God! Jesus understands us and represents us. So even when we fail, we can come to our Big Daddy and receive His mercy and get everything we need.”

Well, Big Daddy, I need one thousand by the end of this month to pay my mortgage, or the bank is going to start the process of foreclosing on my house. I’ve failed to find a job, so could you give me your mercy and give me what I need?

- Paul

Paul,

I’ve already figured out what you need, actually, and I’ve decided that you don’t need that house. What you need is an attitude change. When you’re all powerful like me, you see, it’s easy to tell when other people aren’t humble enough. That’s you to a T.

What you need is to lose everything, and go live in a subway tunnel. That’s where you’ll learn that all you really need is one can of dog food to eat every day. Don’t worry, I’ll give you that.

I’m sure you’ll be grateful when you discover that you don’t really need a house to live in. Send me your thanks when you get there, and remember to pray to me every night. I need the praise.

- God