Advice From God

Dear God,

I’m not sure how to go about contacting you. Do you have an email to which your flock can submit questions? I am concerned and seek your advice. What are the chances that I will return as a zombie when I die?

- Green Ninja

Green Ninja,

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you already are a zombie. Haven’t you noticed feeling a little bit tired recently? You’re not aging so much as decomposing. You died about ten years ago, and came back as a zombie.

You needn’t worry about it too much. There’s still a great deal that you can achieve as a zombie. Take a look at my son Jesus as an example. Did he let death get him down? Well, yes, I guess he did, but just for a few days, but then he got back on his feet and kept on trying.

Good luck, and as for contacting me, well, that’s what the comment feature after each piece of advice is for. Let me know if you need any more words of wisdom.

- God

Dear God,

I need help with my son. He is so much of a perfectionist that he is afraid to try anything because he is afraid he will fail. He gets good grades but now that he is going into high school he said won’t take the advanced courses because he doesn’t want to watch other people do better than he is doing. I don’t think this is healthy. What can I do to help him?

- Maurice

Maurice,

I can sympathize with your son. I’m a bit of a perfectionist myself. Can you imagine what it’s like to have a reputation of being all powerful, knowing everything and being perfectly good all the time? Sometimes, I feel trapped by this perfection.

Do you know how long it took me to get started in creating the world? It was a lot longer than seven days, I can tell you that. I was there in the darkness, looking upon the face of the deep for ages. I was afraid that if I created the world, I would make a mistake.

So, for your son’s sake, all I can tell you is what helped me with my perfectionism. When I had a son, I watched him make mistakes, and get in trouble with the authorites. He was arrested and thrown into jail and everything. Then, with the crucifixion, well, it was just heartbreaking.

Frankly, it was embarrassing to me. I had all the other gods coming up to me and making fun of me. “Hey, it looks like Mr. Newborn King is king of a cave! How’s that new Jerusalem coming along?” Jesus said he would return, but he was so ashamed that he just went into hiding.

So, we screwed up. But, you know what I learned? I learned that you can’t worry about trying to be perfect all the time. So what if a prophecy doesn’t come true every now and then? No big deal. So what if I don’t know everything that’s going on? Who said it’s my business? It’s okay if make a mistake. So what if I made a flawed world with pain and suffering? Nobody’s perfect.

So, when it comes to your son, I’d say that what he needs is to get someone pregnant, and have a child, and have that child get in trouble and go to jail and get executed. Then, your son will really loosen up, and not be so perfectionist anymore. It sounds like your son is at an age where he has mature sexual function, so you can start this therapy right away.

Let me know how it works out for him.

- God

Hi. I’m Jesus.

My dad said that I could use his blog to make a comment on something that has been bothering me for a long time now. It’s the Christmas carol Do You Hear What I Hear?.

Specifically, what hurts my feelings is the verse that goes A child, a child, shivering in the cold, let us bring him silver and gold.

People, why did they want to bring me silver and gold? I was cold! I didn’t ask for money. Didn’t they know that metals conduct heat?

My feelings were hurt long ago. Why are people singing to bring this trauma back to the surface?

Dear God,

Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney have introduced the ideas of theology into the 2008 presidential election, as Mike Huckabee has questioned whether Mormons like Mitt Romney believe that Jesus and the Devil are brothers.

I thought that the question should be settled with you. So, is it true? Is Jesus the brother of Satan?

- Ruben

Ruben,

Of course it’s not true. Jesus is the Devil’s father. Any fool could see that this relationship makes it impossible for Jesus to be the Devil’s brother as well.
Jesus was in his twenties when he wandered up the Rhine and encountered a young woman named Bertha. They fell in love, and had a son.

Jesus tried to establish himself professionally in the area, but could only find employment as a circus performer, doing tricks with a unicycle and frozen fish in an act he did under the stage name of Otto the Ridiculous. One day, when Jesus was flipping a herring into the air, he felt the earth rumble, and saw that a freak avalanche was coming down the mountainside right toward the little house where he and Bertha lived.

Even with his unicycle, Jesus couldn’t make it in time to rescue Bertha. As for his baby son, he was never found…

… at least not by human hands. The son of Jesus and Bertha was swept by the avalanche into a cave inhabited by ice demons, who raised him as best they could, granting him magical powers that eventually allowed him to become the Devil.

That is the true story of the family relationship between Jesus and the Devil. I hope that helps you make your decision about who to vote for in the 2008 presidential election.

- God

Dear God,

Christ did not think killing people and brain washing them was the right way to change the world around him, Lenin did. Christ did not see God as a product of “The Man” meant to suppress those weaker but as a Father-Creator.

Lenin wore red, Christ most likely wore brown.

Lenin wore shoes, Christ wore sandals.

-Chase

Dear Chase,

Is that a question? Or are you trying to tell Me what’s what?

I beg your pardon (and I’m cutting you a heck of a break beggin your pardon, let me tell you) but I most certainly DO think that killing and brain washing people is the way to go.

I’m omnipotent. People die. Do the math.

I demand faith, or else. I could give you proof of my existence, but I don’t. But you better believe in me. Now, that’s not brainwashing, and the reason it’s not brainwashing is because I say it’s not brainwashing. You don’t think it’s brainwashing, do you?

Think about it for a while.

Now stop! Believe in me on blind faith!
Now think about it again.
Stop!
Think!
Have faith!
Red light!
Green light!
Red light!
A hah! Caught you! You’re still doubting me. You’re in trouble, buddy.
I love that game.

-God

Dear God,

I recently looked at a web site where the writer suggests that Communist leader Lenin and Jesus are pretty much the same. The writer says that both of them were anti-family, anti-money, anti-private property revolutionaries.

Surely I’m missing something. Jesus was the first Christian. Lenin was an international Communist leader. How can the two be the same?

Help me out with this, God. How are Jesus and Lenin different?

- Comrade Carl

Carl,

The answer is obvious. As everyone knows, Jesus was not bald, and he had a longer beard than Lenin.
That’s the superficial difference, of course. More important is the fact that Lenin wore pants. Jesus did not wear pants.

Also, Jesus never rode on a train.

I hope that clears things up for you.

- God

Dear God,

I have been thinking about it for some time now, and have decided that I would like to have a personal relationship with Jesus. The trouble is, I really don’t know how to go about establishing this relationship. Do you have any advice for me?

- Marvin

Marvin,

I really don’t know how to put this to you, but the fact is that Jesus is already spoken for. Jesus has been in a committed relationship with Isis for almost two thousand years now, and to be honest, I just don’t see them breaking up any time soon.

I would be less direct in my answer to you, but I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life waiting in vain.

Also, my earthly publicists also tell me that I am against same-sex romantic relationships, though I can’t remember ever saying so. It’s in Leviticus something or other, I think.

It just so happens that there is a nice single young woman living right down the street from you. Would you like me to set you up on a blind date?

Best of luck to you,
God

Dear God,

In my life, I try to be a good person. But sometimes I get caught up in hectic everyday life, and I catch myself swearing at other drivers on the road, or even being rude to other Christmas shoppers. I don’t want to live my life this way, God. If I call on You in these times, would you please help me to find the love and compassion it takes to be a moral person?

-Barbara

Barbara,

Can do, but won’t. That’s not my shtick. Remember the part in Genesis where I stopped all babies from being born for twenty years before I flooded the earth in the age of Noah, so that when I destroyed the wicked I wouldn’t kill innocent children along with them? No? That’s because it’s not there! I drowned them all, babies too young to speak and infants too young to smile. That’s right. I’m one bad mamba jamba, so don’t screw with me.

There are pagans, as I’m sure you know, who dedicate their whole lives to the cultivation of compassion and kindness. And are they going to Heaven when they die? Noooooo!

Where did you get this love and kindness business anyway? Oh, I suppose that hippy son of mine might have gotten into that while he was wandering around drinking wine with his long-haired friends, but there’s really only one thing you need to know about Him: His name.

His name is like a password. All you have to do is say, “I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior,” make yourself believe it, and you’ll feel this incredible buzz come over you. It’s better than drugs, believe me. (Not that I’ve tried drugs or anything, but believe me anyway.) Anyhow, you’ll be saved.

Then, you can go out and do whatever you want, cut people off in traffic, cheat on your taxes, fight with your co-workers, whatever. Then all you need to do is the little password/headbuzz thing and you’re saved again.

-God

Dear God,

What does Santa Claus have to do with Christmas? I mean, they say that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus. So, then, what does some big old guy in a red suit from the North Pole flying through the air in the middle of the night have to do with with Jesus, who never went to the North Pole?

- Ferdinando

Ferdinando,

You’re making a lot of assumptions, both about Jesus and about Santa Claus.

First of all, do you know for a fact that Jesus never went to the North Pole? No, you don’t. Well, just consider this: Why do you think Jesus had a big long beard? That’s right – to protect his face from frostbite. It just so happens that the lost years of Jesus were spent not in India, as some have supposed, but at the North Pole, teaching reindeer how to fly.

Now, about Santa Claus. Well, see, what you probably don’t realize is that Santa Claus is Jesus, and Jesus is Santa Claus. People have been waiting for the second coming of Jesus for centuries, not realizing that he is already here. Jesus came back as Santa Claus. Both of them have big beards, right? Well, sure, Santa’s beard is white, but that’s because he’s even more pure now than he was before. It’s kind of like how Gandalf was reincarnated as a white wizard instead of a grey wizard. So, if Gandalf can do it, would you say that Jesus can’t?

Think about it now. Have you ever bothered to look at Santa’s hands? I’ll bet you haven’t. Well, the next time you see Santa, ask to look at his hands. You’ll see he still has the scars.

- God