Advice From God

Dear God,

I have been thinking about it for some time now, and have decided that I would like to have a personal relationship with Jesus. The trouble is, I really don’t know how to go about establishing this relationship. Do you have any advice for me?

- Marvin

Marvin,

I really don’t know how to put this to you, but the fact is that Jesus is already spoken for. Jesus has been in a committed relationship with Isis for almost two thousand years now, and to be honest, I just don’t see them breaking up any time soon.

I would be less direct in my answer to you, but I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life waiting in vain.

Also, my earthly publicists also tell me that I am against same-sex romantic relationships, though I can’t remember ever saying so. It’s in Leviticus something or other, I think.

It just so happens that there is a nice single young woman living right down the street from you. Would you like me to set you up on a blind date?

Best of luck to you,
God