Advice From God

Dear God,

On this, the eve of Thanksgiving, I want to express to you how thankful I am to you for everything.

I am thankful to you for power saws and cracked windows and hoarfrost and potato bugs and lint and sea gulls and potholes and static electricity and hot air balloons and the number pi. You, who have created all these things and more than a limited, unworthy being such as myself, are to be congratulated, but what can I do to show gratitude to you?

You are strong and we are weak. How can we poor, humble humans best show thanks to you, in all your heavenly majesty?

- Kirstee

Kirstee,

The first thing you can do to demonstrate your gratitude is to knock it off with the obsequious bowing and scraping. It irritates me.

The second thing you can do to show thanks to me is to sell everything you have in order to buy as many sequins and as much glue as you can. Then, carry the sequins and glue on your back as you climb Mount Everest. When you reach the top, start gluing the sequins, one by one, to the exposed rocks you find there. Then, when you’re done, return home, earn some more money and do it all over again.

I would really appreciate that kind of gesture.

You asked.

- God

Dear God,

I have a Christian friend who says that Halloween is an evil holiday that encourages people to worship the devil and sacrifice babies to Satan. I don’t believe it. How could a holiday be evil?

- Sam

Sam,

You’re right, Sam. Other than Groundhog’s Day, there is no such thing as an evil holiday. Vile, pesky little groundhogs must be exterminated!

I love Halloween. In fact, I’m going trick or treating tonight, dressed up as a black cat. Watch the video below and tell me if you like my costume, okay?

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused about what to say to people this holiday (Christmas? sorry!) season. I want to include all my friends who practice Kwanzaa or Hanukkah. After all, there are a lot of holidays this time of year. I don’t want to offend anybody by just assuming everybody’s Christian. Then again, I’m a Christian and I’m proud of it, so sometimes I just want to say “Merry Christmas.” Should I say “Season’s Greetings,” “Happy Holidays,” or “Merry Christmas?”

-Lillian

Lillian,

The proper greeting is “Happy Jesus’s Birthday,” or “Merry Christmas.” Don’t settle for cheap imitations.

There are two kinds of people in the world: people who celebrate Christmas and people who would if they knew what was good for them. Whoever you’re talking to, it’s one or the other. The best way to include your friends who practice Kwanzaa or Hanukkah is to convert them to Christianity. Then you can include them when you go to heaven, too.

Jesus is the reason for the season. Now, I know what you’re thinking: some Copernican claptrap the secular humanists fed you in public school about the angle of the earth’s axis relative to the plane in which it rotates around the sun having something to do with the reason for the season. Well, that’s not in the Bible, so it’s not true.

And what is all this politically correct pablum about not offending people? I sent my own son to live among you that you might have an example to follow in leading your lives. And boy, did he have a knack for offending people. Go forth, follow in the footsteps of the Savior and start ticking people off. The next time someone at one of those massive retail stores wishes you “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” just look them square in the face and say,

“Do I look like I celebrate Hanukkah or something? That’s Merry Christmas, if you don’t mind!”

Then just let them have it about how the corporate elite of their massive retail chain is nothing more than a global network of moneylenders just like those Jesus drove from the temple. Tell them that the way they destroy small town family businesses, shop around for cheap sweatshop goods made by exploited foreign labor, screw over their employees, harass unions, and poison the environment is a betrayal of every value Jesus taught the world in the name of His Father. Actually, never mind. I don’t really care about all that stuff.

But boy it chaps my ass when someone says “Happy Holidays!”

-God

Dear God,

I’m confused about what to say to people this holiday (Christmas? sorry!) season. I want to include all my friends who practice Kwanzaa or Hanukkah. After all, there are a lot of holidays this time of year. I don’t want to offend anybody by just assuming everybody’s Christian. Then again, I’m a Christian and I’m proud of it, so sometimes I just want to say “Merry Christmas.” Should I say “Season’s Greetings,” “Happy Holidays,” or “Merry Christmas?”

-Lillian

Lillian,

The proper greeting is “Happy Jesus’s Birthday,” or “Merry Christmas.” Don’t settle for cheap imitations.

There are two kinds of people in the world: people who celebrate Christmas and people who would if they knew what was good for them. Whoever you’re talking to, it’s one or the other. The best way to include your friends who practice Kwanzaa or Hanukkah is to convert them to Christianity. Then you can include them when you go to heaven, too.

Jesus is the reason for the season. Now, I know what you’re thinking: some Copernican claptrap the secular humanists fed you in public school about the angle of the earth’s axis relative to the plane in which it rotates around the sun having something to do with the reason for the season. Well, that’s not in the Bible, so it’s not true.

And what is all this politically correct pablum about not offending people? I sent my own son to live among you that you might have an example to follow in leading your lives. And boy, did he have a knack for offending people. Go forth, follow in the footsteps of the Savior and start ticking people off. The next time someone at one of those massive retail stores wishes you “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” just look them square in the face and say,

“Do I look like I celebrate Hanukkah or something? That’s Merry Christmas, if you don’t mind!”

Then just let them have it about how the corporate elite of their massive retail chain is nothing more than a global network of moneylenders just like those Jesus drove from the temple. Tell them that the way they destroy small town family businesses, shop around for cheap sweatshop goods made by exploited foreign labor, screw over their employees, harass unions, and poison the environment is a betrayal of every value Jesus taught the world in the name of His Father… Actually, never mind. I don’t really care about all that stuff.

But boy it chaps my ass when someone says “Happy Holidays!”

- God

Dear God,

What does Santa Claus have to do with Christmas? I mean, they say that Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus. So, then, what does some big old guy in a red suit from the North Pole flying through the air in the middle of the night have to do with with Jesus, who never went to the North Pole?

- Ferdinando

Ferdinando,

You’re making a lot of assumptions, both about Jesus and about Santa Claus.

First of all, do you know for a fact that Jesus never went to the North Pole? No, you don’t. Well, just consider this: Why do you think Jesus had a big long beard? That’s right – to protect his face from frostbite. It just so happens that the lost years of Jesus were spent not in India, as some have supposed, but at the North Pole, teaching reindeer how to fly.

Now, about Santa Claus. Well, see, what you probably don’t realize is that Santa Claus is Jesus, and Jesus is Santa Claus. People have been waiting for the second coming of Jesus for centuries, not realizing that he is already here. Jesus came back as Santa Claus. Both of them have big beards, right? Well, sure, Santa’s beard is white, but that’s because he’s even more pure now than he was before. It’s kind of like how Gandalf was reincarnated as a white wizard instead of a grey wizard. So, if Gandalf can do it, would you say that Jesus can’t?

Think about it now. Have you ever bothered to look at Santa’s hands? I’ll bet you haven’t. Well, the next time you see Santa, ask to look at his hands. You’ll see he still has the scars.

- God