Advice From God

Dear God,

I was just reading the wise words of Justin Meyer of the Calvary Christian Church, writing in the St. Helena Star. He was pointing out that people would do a whole lot better and not have so many problems if they would just start listening to what you said.

Meyer said, “We serve such a great God! Jesus understands us and represents us. So even when we fail, we can come to our Big Daddy and receive His mercy and get everything we need.”

Well, Big Daddy, I need one thousand by the end of this month to pay my mortgage, or the bank is going to start the process of foreclosing on my house. I’ve failed to find a job, so could you give me your mercy and give me what I need?

- Paul

Paul,

I’ve already figured out what you need, actually, and I’ve decided that you don’t need that house. What you need is an attitude change. When you’re all powerful like me, you see, it’s easy to tell when other people aren’t humble enough. That’s you to a T.

What you need is to lose everything, and go live in a subway tunnel. That’s where you’ll learn that all you really need is one can of dog food to eat every day. Don’t worry, I’ll give you that.

I’m sure you’ll be grateful when you discover that you don’t really need a house to live in. Send me your thanks when you get there, and remember to pray to me every night. I need the praise.

- God

Dear God,

One of the biggest political divisions in the United States right now is between people who believe that cutting the taxes of wealthy Americans will stimulate the economy as a whole, and those who believe that the wealthy ought to pull more of their weight.

What’s your opinion, God? Do you support tax cuts for the rich?

- Humphrey

Humphrey,

It has been said of me that “God helps those who helps themselves.” What does that aphorism mean? It means that when you see something you want, you should just help yourself! Take it! Also, when it comes to diets, I disapprove. Cake? Help yourself! Ice cream? Help yourself!

The other aspect of that aphorism is that I believe that the only people who should get help are people who don’t need help. So, when it comes to divine intervention, I only come into the picture after the task has been accomplished. Sometimes, I’ll put a little mystical glow on it, so that I can take credit, but basically, I don’t do anything at all.

Thus, the world appears to be as it would if I didn’t exist at all. Oh, but I’m here. I’m just a divine libertarian, that’s all. I say that the best God is the God that blesses least. I may be omnipotent, but being omnipotent includes the power to not do anything at all. That’s what that aphorism means.

So, in terms of taxation, the way that I apply this fiscal theology is to just let the powerful be powerful, because, after all, they’ve helped themselves! Don’t tax them. Tax the little people who barely have anything to give! They have not helped themselves, and I don’t think we should help them, do you?

You know, my son Jesus once said, when he was talking off-script, that it would be easier for a rich man to get into heaven than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle. What Jesus didn’t mention is that camels are interdimensional creatures who can bend time and space to suit their needs. That’s why camels don’t need to drink much water. They just go into a parallel reality and take water from there. They help themselves! So, you see, camels can move through the eye of a needle very easily. They just go to a parallel reality in which the eyes of needles are as big as houses.

So, rich people can get into heaven easily, and the poor can’t. They’ll burn, burn, burn. Sorry, but that’s how it is, because that’s how I like it. The powerful prosper, and the poor can whine all they like, but there’s no reason for anyone to listen to them. If we did what the poor recommended, then we’d all be poor, right?

What, did you think the universe was a democracy? Heck no! I’m God, and I rule it all! There is no divine Congress or heavenly Supreme Court telling me what to do! I do what I want, and I own everything, and that includes you.

That’s the main reason I am against taxing the rich. I’m the richest person of all. Do you have any idea how much I would have to pay if I had to pay taxes? You don’t want me to lose my estate, do you?

Don’t like it? Tough. Go find another god who will help you – not that it will be easy for you. We all like to have things our own way.

- God