Advice From God

Dear God,

I need help with my son. He is so much of a perfectionist that he is afraid to try anything because he is afraid he will fail. He gets good grades but now that he is going into high school he said won’t take the advanced courses because he doesn’t want to watch other people do better than he is doing. I don’t think this is healthy. What can I do to help him?

- Maurice

Maurice,

I can sympathize with your son. I’m a bit of a perfectionist myself. Can you imagine what it’s like to have a reputation of being all powerful, knowing everything and being perfectly good all the time? Sometimes, I feel trapped by this perfection.

Do you know how long it took me to get started in creating the world? It was a lot longer than seven days, I can tell you that. I was there in the darkness, looking upon the face of the deep for ages. I was afraid that if I created the world, I would make a mistake.

So, for your son’s sake, all I can tell you is what helped me with my perfectionism. When I had a son, I watched him make mistakes, and get in trouble with the authorites. He was arrested and thrown into jail and everything. Then, with the crucifixion, well, it was just heartbreaking.

Frankly, it was embarrassing to me. I had all the other gods coming up to me and making fun of me. “Hey, it looks like Mr. Newborn King is king of a cave! How’s that new Jerusalem coming along?” Jesus said he would return, but he was so ashamed that he just went into hiding.

So, we screwed up. But, you know what I learned? I learned that you can’t worry about trying to be perfect all the time. So what if a prophecy doesn’t come true every now and then? No big deal. So what if I don’t know everything that’s going on? Who said it’s my business? It’s okay if make a mistake. So what if I made a flawed world with pain and suffering? Nobody’s perfect.

So, when it comes to your son, I’d say that what he needs is to get someone pregnant, and have a child, and have that child get in trouble and go to jail and get executed. Then, your son will really loosen up, and not be so perfectionist anymore. It sounds like your son is at an age where he has mature sexual function, so you can start this therapy right away.

Let me know how it works out for him.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused by an opinion poll commissioned by the TV show Religion and Ethics NewsWeekly. The poll finds that a majority of Americans believe that the United States of America has a special superior blessing from you, God. Yet, the same poll finds that an even higher majority of Americans believes that the United States often does more harm than good in the world.

That means that at least half of Americans believe that you, God, have blessed the USA to be the best nation on earth, and yet the USA messes up a lot of the time.

How is this possible?

- Everett

Everett,

Your puzzlement is caused by a fundamental misunderstanding. You believe that the blessing of God will lead people to make wise judgments in life. That’s an arrogant presumption. Wisdom is a quality of God, not of human being. The truly God-loving people of the earth have the integrity not to be wise.

Besides, how is anyone ever going to get to heaven without making lots of mistakes? You have to be forgiven to get to heaven, not right. I bless the United States with messing up a lot, so that Americans will have a lot more opportunities to ask me for forgiveness, and then go to heaven.

Don’t think about it Everett. Just trust me, and embrace the divinely-inspired mishaps of life.

-God