Advice From God

Dear God,

In the Song of Solomon, you left some work undone. You wrote, “Love is strong as death”, but you never said how strong death is.

I’d like to know more about the true nature of love, and so I need to ask you: How strong is death?

- Peter

Peter,

Many people read that passage incorrectly. They think that I mean that love has a grip that is as strong as the grip of death, but that’s not what I meant. Anyone who has witnessed the way of love over time knows that.

Death is not truly strong. It is a passive state of perfect weakness. Think of it this way: When was the last time you ever saw a dead man get up and do a hard day’s work, or even something as easy as washing the dishes?

Love is as strong as death, yes, which is to say that it is weak, a state of passive decay that smells worse the longer that it persists.

- God

Dear God,

I’m not sure how to go about contacting you. Do you have an email to which your flock can submit questions? I am concerned and seek your advice. What are the chances that I will return as a zombie when I die?

- Green Ninja

Green Ninja,

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you already are a zombie. Haven’t you noticed feeling a little bit tired recently? You’re not aging so much as decomposing. You died about ten years ago, and came back as a zombie.

You needn’t worry about it too much. There’s still a great deal that you can achieve as a zombie. Take a look at my son Jesus as an example. Did he let death get him down? Well, yes, I guess he did, but just for a few days, but then he got back on his feet and kept on trying.

Good luck, and as for contacting me, well, that’s what the comment feature after each piece of advice is for. Let me know if you need any more words of wisdom.

- God

Dear God,

I was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. When I asked my oncologist what could be done, he just said, “Nothing.” I asked him how he knew there was nothing to be done, how he could give up without trying. He just shrugged his shoulders and walked out of the room. I had to get dressed and walk myself back out to the front office and pay for the visit without anything more than that.

What am I supposed to do now?

- Barry

Barry,

There is nothing that you’re supposed to do. You have stepped outside of the realm of supposition and social order. You have a fatal illness, and the medical profession appears to have abandoned you. As far as they’re concerned, you’re already dead.

You can go to another doctor, of course, and see if you’ll get another opinion. You might not get another opinion, however. You might just get another oncologist who gives you the same opinion, although it’s delivered in a less brutal form.

More fundamentally, you have to deal with the crisis that all people will have to deal with, although most people forget about it. You are going to die. Maybe you won’t die today, or tomorrow, or this week, or this year, but you will die eventually. There is no cure for mortality.

Why must it be this way? Well, actually it doesn’t have to be this way at all. Human beings could be immortal, if I chose to allow it. However, I chose to create people as mortal beings. That way, there would be more turnover, and more interesting plot developments in the soap operas.

Don’t blame your oncologist for it. Blame me.

- God

Dear God,

Christ did not think killing people and brain washing them was the right way to change the world around him, Lenin did. Christ did not see God as a product of “The Man” meant to suppress those weaker but as a Father-Creator.

Lenin wore red, Christ most likely wore brown.

Lenin wore shoes, Christ wore sandals.

-Chase

Dear Chase,

Is that a question? Or are you trying to tell Me what’s what?

I beg your pardon (and I’m cutting you a heck of a break beggin your pardon, let me tell you) but I most certainly DO think that killing and brain washing people is the way to go.

I’m omnipotent. People die. Do the math.

I demand faith, or else. I could give you proof of my existence, but I don’t. But you better believe in me. Now, that’s not brainwashing, and the reason it’s not brainwashing is because I say it’s not brainwashing. You don’t think it’s brainwashing, do you?

Think about it for a while.

Now stop! Believe in me on blind faith!
Now think about it again.
Stop!
Think!
Have faith!
Red light!
Green light!
Red light!
A hah! Caught you! You’re still doubting me. You’re in trouble, buddy.
I love that game.

-God