Advice From God

Dear God,

I need help with my son. He is so much of a perfectionist that he is afraid to try anything because he is afraid he will fail. He gets good grades but now that he is going into high school he said won’t take the advanced courses because he doesn’t want to watch other people do better than he is doing. I don’t think this is healthy. What can I do to help him?

- Maurice

Maurice,

I can sympathize with your son. I’m a bit of a perfectionist myself. Can you imagine what it’s like to have a reputation of being all powerful, knowing everything and being perfectly good all the time? Sometimes, I feel trapped by this perfection.

Do you know how long it took me to get started in creating the world? It was a lot longer than seven days, I can tell you that. I was there in the darkness, looking upon the face of the deep for ages. I was afraid that if I created the world, I would make a mistake.

So, for your son’s sake, all I can tell you is what helped me with my perfectionism. When I had a son, I watched him make mistakes, and get in trouble with the authorites. He was arrested and thrown into jail and everything. Then, with the crucifixion, well, it was just heartbreaking.

Frankly, it was embarrassing to me. I had all the other gods coming up to me and making fun of me. “Hey, it looks like Mr. Newborn King is king of a cave! How’s that new Jerusalem coming along?” Jesus said he would return, but he was so ashamed that he just went into hiding.

So, we screwed up. But, you know what I learned? I learned that you can’t worry about trying to be perfect all the time. So what if a prophecy doesn’t come true every now and then? No big deal. So what if I don’t know everything that’s going on? Who said it’s my business? It’s okay if make a mistake. So what if I made a flawed world with pain and suffering? Nobody’s perfect.

So, when it comes to your son, I’d say that what he needs is to get someone pregnant, and have a child, and have that child get in trouble and go to jail and get executed. Then, your son will really loosen up, and not be so perfectionist anymore. It sounds like your son is at an age where he has mature sexual function, so you can start this therapy right away.

Let me know how it works out for him.

- God

Dear God,

Yesterday, you made reference to an eighth day of Creation, something that isn’t mentioned in the Bible.

My curiosity can’t hold out until you volunteer the information. I have to ask: What did you create on the eighth day, God?

- Louie

Louise,

I am so glad you asked, but I have a feeling you won’t be so glad when you get the answer. On the eighth day of Creation, I made an infinite number of parallel dimensions, each with an alternative version of the reality that you know. This infinite number of dimensions was an unavoidable consequence of free will, which I made when I created human beings.

You see, each alternative reality represents another possibility – the world as it would have been if someone had made just one different decision. Morally, that means that even if you live the most ethical life possible in this reality, in another dimension, you’re an incurable sinner.

That means that, no matter how hard you try, you’re doomed to burn in Hell for all eternity, and it’s all your fault… or at least your fault in some other dimension. Prepare the asbestos.

- God

Dear God,

I recently found out about Second Life, an online virtual world where hundreds of thousands of people live in an alternative reality. You are credited with the original creation of life on Earth. Did you create Second Life as well? If so, was that on the eighth day, or what?

- Ned

Ned,

I did not create Second Life. As I understand it, some programmer named Norm (or something like that – I can never remember his name) did the initial creation of this alternative world. The creation is ongoing, however, and apparently users are able to create their own islands and objects just like that – albeit with the application of a little bit of ingenuity or real world money.

It’s a bit blasphemous, don’t you think?

- God