Advice From God

Dear God,

That’s My Congress reports that Senator Orrin Hatch got an independent of over $25,000 from the American College of Radiology after Hatch promoted legislation to protect radiologists from professional competition.

Do you count this as an example of political corruption?

- Mari

Mari,

Certainly, it is not an instance of corruption. In fact, it never happened.

You may have heard how, in order to lead sinful humans astray, Satan created the appearance of fossils that seem to suggest the development of life on earth through natural selection. Well, now the same thing has happened to Orrin Hatch. The Devil has, through his magical dark arts, placed the appearance of the payment of an independent expenditure to benefit Senator Hatch in the Federal Election Commission database.

It’s a sign of how very very holy Orrin hatch is. Only the most godly politicians would be attacked by demonic forces in this way.

- God

Dear God,

Yesterday, Congressman Walter Jones stood in front of the House of Representatives and announced his intention to place the future of the United States of America in your hands. He said, ” I will ask God to give strength, wisdom and courage to President Obama that he will do what is right in the eyes of God. And three times I will say, God, please, God, please, God, please, continue to bless America.”

Will you do it, God? Will you continue to bless America?

- Gregory

Gregory,

To tell the truth, I’ve never blessed America before, because no one has ever asked three times before. I have my standards, you know.

Because Congressman Jones has asked me politely, three times, saying “please”, I have decided to finally bless America. I will bless America with an especially abundant crop of artichokes.

Letters of gratitude may be addressed to me, 1437 Mysterious Way, Firmament, Cosmos 97589.

- God

Dear God,

Yesterday, U.S. Representative Marsha Blackburn declared of the health care reform legislation that was passed and sent on to be signed by the President, “We know the consequences of this bill will be frightening and horrible. Freedom dies a little bit today.”

I don’t understand. This is a health care bill. It provides people with access to medical care to prevent their illnesses from becoming worse. It helps people not to die.

How on earth can Representative Blackburn say that this bill kills freedom?

- Edna

Edna,

You have a very small view of freedom. What about the freedom to get sick and not be bothered by doctors?

Before, a person had the freedom to not go to the doctor, with the excuse of not having good health insurance. Well, what can that person say now? Now, they have to deal with their illness. They have to get better.

What if a person doesn’t want to be healthy? How can anyone who is given good health insurance ever be called truly free?

- God

God,

I feel awkward asking you about this, and hope you won’t take it the wrong way. It has to do with Barry C. Black, the official, government-paid high priest of the United States Senate.

He’s been coming out in public, and making it seem that he’s your boss. He’s actually been making speeches in which he gives you instructions – commands, even. Last week, for example, he said on the floor of the Senate, “Most Merciful God, who is the fountain of all grace, the source of all goodness, and in whose keeping are the destinies of nations, endue the minds of our lawmakers with wisdom. Set their feet with a steadfast purpose to fulfill Your will, day by day, by faithful labor and selfless service.”

The way I see it, there are two possibilities. First, Barry C. Black could truly have the power to command you, God. That would make Black the true master of the universe. The second possibility, though, is that he’s just pretending that he can order you around, telling you to manipulate members of Congress to serve his whims.

Which is the truth?

- Mark

Mark,

Sadly, I am under the dark magical powers of Barry C. Black. He has cast an evil spell on me, after selling his soul to an evil demon named Francois.

Now, Barry C. Black has the power to command me, and I must do whatever he asks. As you can see by the content of his directions to me last week, Reverend Black is intent upon using me to manipulate members of Congress to work for his own dark plans, in what he calls “selfless service”.

- God

Dear God,

This week, Daniel Couglin, the official priest of the U.S. House of Representatives, offered the following statement in prayer: “Sometimes You may draw back from our momentary attention just to make us pray all the more ardently and increase our desire for Your presence or refine our request.”

I don’t understand this statement. How can withdrawing from people’s attention cause people to pray more ardently for you? Why would you run away from the people who worship you?

- Sam

Sam,

It’s all part of my Divine Plan ™. I chose to create the human soul in such a way that it would only pay attention to me when I am running away from the attention of humans. See, if people are paying attention to me, they start to take me for granted. That’s why I choose to help people forget me, so that they stop paying attention to me, and thus reach into a higher relationship with me.

If that doesn’t make sense, think about it in terms of supernatural dating. If you have a new girlfriend, don’t call her this Friday evening. Instantly, she’ll become more attractive to you. Basically, I’m playing hard to get with the human race. By making it seem that I don’t exist or don’t care, I get people praying that I’ll just pay them the slightest bit of attention.

It gratifies my vanity, and if you’re a divine being like me, vanity is bread and butter.

- God

Dear God,

I am planning to run for a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives next year, as an independent candidate. What are the steps that I can take to guarantee my victory?

- Jim

Jim,

1. Make sure that you are legally qualified for office. Are you a citizen? Are you above the minimum age?
2. Get all your petitions signed and turned in on time.
3. Make sure all your required campaign forms are filed correctly.
4. Meet with reporters from all local newspapers. Build friendships with them.
5. After the date for candidates to enter the race has ended, murder all your opponents. Don’t get caught.

Good luck with your campaign, Jim.

- God

Dear God,

My attention was caught by a recent speech made by Congressman John Shimkus. Representative Shimkus said that he didn’t think that it was possible that there could be any global warming caused by human activity, because the Bible says that you, God, made the promise to Noah not to try to harm people with warmer weather or by flooding anything.

Shimkus said that he would base his ideas about global warming not on science, but on the Bible, because the Bible is your word, and your word is unchanging. Is it true, God? Is your word unchanging?

- Lorelei

Lorelei,

No, it is not true that my word is unchanging. I change the Word of God every day, as a matter of fact.

Today, for example, the Word of God is blueberry. Yesterday, the Word of God was unforseen. Tomorrow, well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused. I’m watching the debate in the Senate today about the FISA Amendments Act, which would make permanent the Protect America Act, which allows the Executive Branch of the federal government to conduct massive electronic spying operations against innocent Americans without any search warrant, any judicial review, or any meaningful congressional oversight.

The FISA Amendments Act also allow the government to access private customer information and accounts held by any corporation.

The FISA Amendments Act amounts to a coup d’etat by the Executive Branch against the Legislative and Judicial branches, and against the Constitution.

But, it occurs to me, as I watch this debate, that if you are really real, God, then this whole government spying thing ought to be completely unnecessary.

I mean, it’s totally weird that Christian leaders in government are asking for such extensive electronic espionage powers. If they really believe in you, God, why do they need spies and electronic spying networks?

If they’re worried about terrorists, or other threats, why don’t they just use the power of prayer? Really. Why don’t they just pray on it, if they’re really Christian believers?

Why don’t they just say, “God, please tell me if there is any terrorist group who is going to attack the United States this week.” Then, you could respond to the prayer, and tell the President and his Cabinet if there’s any violent fanatic they need to worry about.

It’s almost as if the President and all his top advisors don’t actually believe in the power of prayer, and just say that they do to earn political points by adopting a pious posture.

Am I wrong?

- Diane

Diane,

Yes, you certainly are wrong. Very, very wrong.

You know how all the dinosaur fossils were created by Satan just to tempt sinful scientists into believing in evolution? Well, this situation is the same. Satan has created the appearance of a logical gap in the White House’s call for massive new spying powers, in order to tempt you into not being a Republican.

What you must do is just ignore the logical gap in the White House’s policies, and believe with all your heart that everything that George W. Bush asks for is honest and good. That’s the only way to avoid Satan’s trap.

Let the government spy on you, or you will go to Hell.
- God

Dear God,

I see in the news that Senator Joseph Lieberman is supporting Republican tax cuts for the rich, thinks that invading Iraq was a great idea, and says that Democrats who criticize George W. Bush are putting America in peril. I remember back in 2000, when Joseph Lieberman said that the Bill of Rights gives Americans “freedom of religion, not freedom from religion.” It sounds to me like Joseph Lieberman is a Republican, and a pretty extreme Republican at that.

Why doesn’t Joseph Lieberman just acknowledge his right wing beliefs and join the Republican Party?

- Wenzel

Wenzel,

Senator Lieberman is what you might call a political transvestite. I arranged for Joseph Lieberman to be born a Republican, but something went wrong with his upbringing, and little Joey decided to dress up as a Democrat. Now, some say that Senator Lieberman did so for crass political purposes, because the Democratic Party is where he made powerful connections. I prefer to look at Senator Lieberman’s problems as more along the lines of a mental disorder.

Don’t worry about the Senator from Connecticut, though. I understand that he has joined a support group, and plans on returning to his Me-given true Republican identity any minute now.

- God