Advice From God

Dear God,

I recently read that new research shows that Christianity is a terrible place for women to find husbands. It seems that Christian churches are jam packed full of women, but not so many men. It was suggested to me that I go look among atheists if I wanted to meet a future husband.

Is this good advice?

- Suzy

Suzy,

It’s true that I’ve always been more interested in women than men, though I do swing both ways, if you know what I mean. I am fully anatomically correct, and that intimidates a lot of men who might otherwise become Christians, given that I’m the size of the entire universe.

So, the answer depends on what you’re interested in. Yes, if you’re looking for an available human male for marriage, you’ll have better luck among atheists than among Christians.

If marriage isn’t really what’s on your mind, though, I can show you a really good time – no commitments.

Call me.

- God

Dear God,

In order to try to get Christianity taught in public schools, there are organizations that have created courses designed to teach the Christian Bible as literature, with the idea being that the Bible is such a well written book that it should be studied in order to help children become better writers themselves.

What do you think of this approach?

- Cadman

Cadman,

I have a hard time how anyone can avoid recognizing the literary worth of the Bible. All children have something to learn from the book. Take the following passage as an example:

When Israel finished killing all the inhabitants of Ai in the open ground and where they had followed them into the wilderness, and when all to a man had fallen by the edge of the sword, all Israel returned to Ai and slaughtered all its people. The number of those that fell that day, men and women together, was twelve thousand, all people of Ai.

Isn’t that just the kind of thing we need children to be reading more of?

- God

Dear God,

I have a neighbor whose entire house was decorated according to the dictates of Feng Shui. She calls herself Christian, yet talks about the “energies” of her house according to this Japanese mumbo jumbo. I regard it all as simple blasphemy.

I want to present a true alternative example in Christian decorating skills, and I’m starting with the pillows.

So, God, how can I select pillows for my house in a manner that will be the most Christian?

- Marsha

Marsha,

As the Fundamentalists have proven, it’s important to regard every single decision in life according to what has been written about it in the Bible. So, what pillow would Jesus use?

There is only one actual pillow mentioned in the Bible: A pillow upon which Jesus fell asleep while riding in a boat. Therefore, every pillow in your house should come from a boat. To choose any other kind of pillow would be sinful, and would doom you to Hell.

- God