Advice From God

Dear God,

I’m all confused about these news reports I’m hearing about the use of white phosphorus by American soldiers as a weapon in the seige of the Iraqi city of Fallujah. Bush Administration officials admit that the attacks using white phosphorus as a weapon, and not just as a device for illumination, did take place, but they say that it’s okay, because white phosphorus is not a chemical weapon.

I don’t get it. If white phosphorus is a chemical that is modified to be fit into explosives to be dispersed and cause fatal chemical burns on people, then how is it not a chemical weapon?

Also, the Pentagon says that they didn’t use white phosphorus as a weapon against civilians, but there were civilians in Fallujah when they attacked with their white phosphorus weapons, and those weapons used explosives to distribute the white phosphorus over a large area, so how could the Americans possibly have thought that they would be avoiding civilian deaths?

- Ryan

Ryan,

It’s simple, really. The white phosphorus isn’t a chemical weapon. For that matter, white phosphorus is not a chemical at all. It’s a divine substance I have specially designed for righteous retribution. The godly essence of white phosphorus, as the American generals well know, is that it only aflicts the unworthy. People without sin are not burned at all by white phosphorus. They are merely cleansed so that they have a fine glow of freshness on their skin, as well as hair that behaves.

So, you see, white phosphorus is not a weapon of mass destruction. No, no, no, no, no. It is a very precise, and very humane weapon, perfectly conventional, in a divine sense.

Never fear. You can trust your leaders to spray white phosporus over urban populations in a humane and civilized manner. After all, they’ve never lied to you before, have they?

- God