Advice From God

Dear God,

What in the world did Walt Disney mean when he said, “I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known”?

- Hyacinth

Hyacinth,

Many people have misunderstood this statement, and concluded that Walt Disney loved his own cartoon creation more than he loved women. That’s not at all the case.

What Mr. Disney was really talking about was the need for free love. He was comparing a sexual encounter with a known woman to the shallow form of a cartoon, completely two dimensional and predictable.

It was the unknown woman, for Walt Disney, that was able to bring the sensation of greatest love, in the erotic sense. So, for Walt Disney, Mickey Mouse was like a longtime spouse, when what he really sought were a series of flings with women whose names he did not even know.

- God

Dear God,

Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney have introduced the ideas of theology into the 2008 presidential election, as Mike Huckabee has questioned whether Mormons like Mitt Romney believe that Jesus and the Devil are brothers.

I thought that the question should be settled with you. So, is it true? Is Jesus the brother of Satan?

- Ruben

Ruben,

Of course it’s not true. Jesus is the Devil’s father. Any fool could see that this relationship makes it impossible for Jesus to be the Devil’s brother as well.
Jesus was in his twenties when he wandered up the Rhine and encountered a young woman named Bertha. They fell in love, and had a son.

Jesus tried to establish himself professionally in the area, but could only find employment as a circus performer, doing tricks with a unicycle and frozen fish in an act he did under the stage name of Otto the Ridiculous. One day, when Jesus was flipping a herring into the air, he felt the earth rumble, and saw that a freak avalanche was coming down the mountainside right toward the little house where he and Bertha lived.

Even with his unicycle, Jesus couldn’t make it in time to rescue Bertha. As for his baby son, he was never found…

… at least not by human hands. The son of Jesus and Bertha was swept by the avalanche into a cave inhabited by ice demons, who raised him as best they could, granting him magical powers that eventually allowed him to become the Devil.

That is the true story of the family relationship between Jesus and the Devil. I hope that helps you make your decision about who to vote for in the 2008 presidential election.

- God