Advice From God

divine wisdom

Does God Support The Hutaree?

Filed under Demonic Forces, God's Followers, In The News by God

Dear God,

I have been hearing a lot about the Hutaree, that Christian militia from southern Michigan that is accused of planning to go kill police officers in the hopes that doing so would somehow trigger a great Civil War in the United States that would be a part of the End Times, leading toward a great battle of the Apocalypse in which the Hutaree would fight against Satan’s armies.

Was this indeed in alignment with your plan for the world? Do you support the Hutaree, God?

- Felicia

Felicia,

I am sad to see the Hutarees in prison, because they very nearly got my plan correct. The only mistake that they made was to substitute the idea of fighting for the idea of dancing.

The End Times are supposed to be the greatest dance in history. I’m actually great friends with Satan, although we poke fun at each other every now and then. The Apocalypse isn’t supposed to be a battle with guns and swords. It’s supposed to be a dance competition, to see if my people or Satan’s people have the best moves.

Instead of running around in the woods with guns, the Hutarees should have been building a stage with a good sound system, and working out so that they could lift ballerinas.

What a lost opportunity.

- God

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April 1, 2010 at 5:27 am Comments (0)

When are the End Times coming?

Filed under Family Life by God

Dear God,

Two thousand years ago, you promised you followers that the End Times would soon arrive, and all of them would be saved, while their enemies would be dashed into little tiny bits and painfully destroyed.

So, we’ve been waiting! When will the End Times come? I’m ready to be saved and get my reward in heaven.

- Mark

Mark,

You remind me of when Jesus was young, and we would go out riding in my favorite chariot to go see his mother, Gaia, who lived very far away because my father, Kronos, didn’t approve of her. Anyway, I’d be driving the chariot across Asia Minor, and Jesus, who always rode in the back seat, would crane his neck up over my shoulder, and say, “My Father Who Art In Heaven, are we there yet?”

That always irritated me, which is why I worked up all that stuff about Jesus “having” to be crucified to save men from sin. I’ll tell you, after the crucifixion, when I told Jesus about my little practical joke, he didn’t talk to me for a week. I said, go visit your followers, if you want to give me the silent treatment, then. He said he was tired of the paparazzi always trying to draw his picture on papyrus.

Anyway, my point is that you’re really getting on my nerves. How about this: When we get close to the End Times, I’ll let you know. Until then, why don’t you just take a nap, or count telephone poles, or something, okay?

- God

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June 6, 2006 at 7:10 am Comments (0)