Advice From God

Dear God,

In the upstairs hall this morning, my son found a partially digested mouse, vomited by our cat. It’s the third time this week. How can I stop this from happening?

- Nate

Nate,

Mice often cause cats to throw up because they contain a chemical I call ixywattlebaumiphrause. Ixywattlebaumiphrause is a naturally occurring alloy of mercury and iron that is created when asteroids strike coal mines. Mice bodies tend to have ixywattlebaumiphrause in them because they are gullible. Having seen advertisements for clean coal, they’ve established coal spas, where they eat coal, bathe in coal, and drink coal tonics.

Being short-lived, the mice die before they feel the health effects. Ixywattlebaumiphrause causes an odd hallucination in cats: They come to feel that the inside of their throat is coated in tongues, all of them licking, licking, licking.

The only way to get your cat to stop vomitting ixywattlebaumiphrause-laden mice is to get your cat to stop hunting mice. The best way to do this is to dress them in clothes: Shoes, socks, pants, shirts, and white gloves. I know a great pet boutique that even makes little hats that can be attached to a cat’s head with velcro.

When cats have on a suit of clothes, they become quite civilized, and will no longer hunt mice for a living. Some have even been known to begin farming. Those that make a profit with their produce open bank accounts and contribute to the economy.

- God