Advice From God

Dear God,

During her campaign for Vice President in 2008, footage came out suggesting that Sarah Palin thought that you wanted her to go to the White House, as part of your plan for the universe. Now that she’s resigned, Palin has suggested that the resignation is part of a plan for her to go on to greater things.

God, do you endorse Sarah Palin’s resignation, and is it part of a larger, divine plan for her?

- Merlin

Merlin,

Yes, I endorse Sarah Palin’sw resignation. In fact, I appeared to Palin the night before her speech, in the form of a wilting houseplant. I said to her, “Sarah, you must resign as Governor of Alaska in order to serve my plan for the Universe.”

“What is that plan, God?” she asked me. I told her that she had to have faith and trust in the Lord. So, she did. Now that she’s resigned, however, I can tell you what my divine plan is.

There’s a boy who lives in Juneau. He’s 8 years old, and he’s a good boy, and his mom and dad love him. His favorite thing is to ride his bicycle all around town.

Later this month, at 7:17 PM on Thursday the 26th, that boy is destined to be riding his bicycle at the corner of Mallard Street and Crest Street. At the same time, a truck carrying a box full of dictionaries was destined to be driving around the same corner, hitting the boy and killing him… unless that truck could be delayed for just a little bit.

The afternoon before I spoke to Sarah Palin, her advisors had held a linguistic intervention with her. They said that unless she learned to speak better English, she would never be a successful governor.

A few hours later, a teary-eyed Palin opened up a telephone book to the letter B, and picked up the phone. She asked the Hearthside Books & Toys store if they had any dictionaries. They told her there was just one left on their shelves, and asked if she would like them to hold it for her.

I saw my opportunity. Right then and there, I interrupted the telephone call and told Palin what she had to do.

Yes, Sarah Palin’s resignation was part of my divine plan for the world. Because Palin has yet to buy a dictionary, a little Alaskan boy will come home to his mother and father a few weeks from now.

- God

Dear God,

I heard tonight about the revelation by Sarah Palin at the Wasilla Assemblies of God church that a natural gas pipeline planned to run through Alaska is the will of God – your will. Is Sarah Palin right? Is it true? Is that natural gas pipeline your idea?

- Emily

Emily,

Absolutely not! I told Sarah Palin that I wanted a maple sap pipeline from the southern edge of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, where very, very short maple trees grow, down to the east of Juneau, and then right into a syrup evaporation plant in Kirkland, Washington, on the outskirts of the Seattle metropolitan area.

Why can’t Sarah Palin tell the truth about my divine prophecies to her and to the Wasilla Masters Commission? It can’t believe this is just a mistake. Who could accidentallly think I was talking about natural gas when I was telling her about the destiny of buckwheat pancakes?

I would never support a natural gas pipeline. It’s a contradiction in terms. Once you take natural gas out of the ground, and put it in a pipe, it’s not natural any more. People wonder, too: Is it the gas that’s natural, or the pipeline? A natural gas pipeline is an abomination to me.

I can see that Sarah Palin can no longer be trusted as the spokesperson of God. I’m going to have to start issuing my own press releases, and telling people the truth about what Sarah Palin is saying in my name.

- God