Dear God,

I need to buy a birthday gift for a friend, but I don’t know what to get. What do you suggest?

- Edward

Edward,

Buy your friend a box of paper clips. Buy a thumbtack. Buy a set of 3 rolls of masking tape - one very wide, one not so wide, and one very narrow indeed. But a stick of chewing gum. Buy a hammer. Buy a nail.

Buy anything, but wrap it up in paper, tie it up with a bow, and write a note on the outside with the one-word message: “Sincerely”.

- God

Dear God,

I just read that you are acquitted by judge Marlon Polk after Senator Ernie Chamber from Nebraska charged you with crimes against humanity, for terror, death and destruction. The Senator wanted an injunction to stop you from continuing such crimes.

The judge said that an address is necessary so that the person charged can be informed about the charge and receive the necessary papers.

Since he didn’t know to which address he could send you his papers, he just had to acquit you.

So I wonder, how do you feel about this? Are you relieved?

Or do you perhaps want to be so helpful as to inform the judge about your address?

- Jo

Jo,

I can say this now, since I’ve been acquitted, but that judge definitely knows where I live. He lied about that.

How do I know that the judge knows my mailing address? That’s simple. It was written on the check I wrote to him, when I bribed him to dismiss the case. My address is 5320 Mountain View Lane, Atlantic City, New Jersey, 50022.

The best part is the amount of money I wrote that check for when I bribed the judge: Twenty Jillion Dollars. Silly judge. Didn’t he know that there’s no such thing as a jillion?

- God

Dear God,

I have a problem with my computer screen. I have a beautiful view from my office, with windows on three walls, but when I arrive in the morning the sun shines so strongly that I can hardly see anything I’m doing on the computer. The same thing happens in the afternoon, when the sun comes in from the opposite direction.

How can I get around this problem?

- Hercule

Hercule,

I have had the same problem myself. Once, I had a branch office in England, but the sun created an annoying glare that distracted me from my work - especially during certain seasons. It was there I made the platypus. Sorry, platypus, but I had a hard time seeing what I was doing.

So, I set up some big stone blocks to get the sun out of my eyes. You can do the same thing, though with lighter Space Age materials that were not available to me back in the day. Set up an Officehenge.

If you do it right, there’s an extra added benefit that, whenever the light goes around your office to a particular place, you’ll know when it’s time to stop working and turn on your favorite TV shows.

- God

Dear God,

Why did you design the octopus with eight arms? Wouldn’t four arms have been just as effective? Couldn’t you gave gone to ten arms, as long as you were going for a big quantity?

- Jean-Jacques

Jean-Jacques,

The octopus has eight arms because it’s called the octopus. Duh. Oct means eight, you know.

Look, you’re not a deity, so you don’t understand how this works. First, you name the animal. Then you create it. So, I named the animal the octopus, and then I had to give it eight legs.

Same thing with the centipede. I named it the centipede, and then I had to give it 100 legs.

Yes, I know - centipedes don’t really have 100 legs. That’s because of Satan, who keeps on trying to make me look bad. He knocked some of the centipede’s legs off. He said it was for the sake of efficiency.

Efficiency is the devil’s tool.

- God

Dear God,

I am stuck in a boring meeting today. What can I do to get through it without going insane?

- Doug

Doug,

You need to learn to count your blessings.

Now, you may be asking yourself, what blessings I’m talking about. You may wonder where all these blessings are, so that you can count them. Don’t worry. I am here to help.

Your blessings are stored underneath the fingernail on your left hand’s pinky. In order to access your blessings, however, you need to have the right password. You enter the password, in morse code, by tapping on your pinky fingernail.

I’m not going to give you the password to your little cache of blessings. You have to guess it, but I’ll give you a clue: It has something to do with your secret fears about your middle name.

Get to work on it, and that ought to keep you busy through the end of your meeting.

- God

Last month, I responded to a reader’s question, asking whether or not I truly supported Sarah Palin’s plans for a natural gas pipleline in Alaska. Sarah Palin said that the fossil fuel pipeline was the will of God, but the truth is that I supported a maple syrup pipeline.

Actually, I didn’t tell the whole story. I did place my divine mandate on a gas pipeline - just not a natural gas pipeline. I told Sarah Palin I wanted a supernatural gas pipeline.

Supernatural gas is produced when I eat heavenly beans, rich in holy fiber. It’s a great source of energy.

Why did Sarah Palin oppose the building of a supernatural gas pipeline? Why did she ignore the will of God?

Maybe the supernatural gas idea is just a little too stinky. Do you think so?

- God

You know how sometimes you tell a little lie that you really wish you could get off your chest, but you just don’t know how to say that you were wrong? Well, I have a confession to make. I told a lie a long, long time ago, and it’s just snowballed into this huge thing, and now I’m facing a lawsuit, so I have to tell the truth.

You know how you were taught in Sunday School that I created the universe? Well, that’s not exactly true. Okay, it’s not true at all. I didn’t create the universe. Someone else did.

It was Satan. Satan created the universe, but he didn’t care about taking the credit. He refused to let anyone know about it. Satan likes to be in the background, see.

I did create the platypus, and the baobob tree, but I was kind of jealous, and I wanted some attention, so I said that I created the universe. It was I who rebelled against Satan, not the other way around.

I swear to me that I’m telling you the truth this time. I’m hoping that you can find a way to understand, and you’ll still worship me. I’ll make you a platypus, if it would make you feel better.

- God

Dear God,

As Sarah Palin has shown us, you have a keen and specific interest in the political affairs of human beings. So, what is your divine opinion about the decision of a part of Georgia to secede and join Russia?

- Herman

Herman,

I may be omniscient, but I just don’t understand this idea, that part of Georgia would break away from its homeland and join Russia.

First of all, there’s the problem of geography. Do you know how far it is between Atlanta and Moscow? I put Georgia and Russia on the opposite ends of the Earth for a reason. The truth is that they just can’t get along. They’re like horse and sheep.

Then there’s the language problem. How many people in Georgia speak Russian? They don’t even speak proper English, if you ask me…

…hold on a minute…

Oh, wait. You meant South Ossetia? Oh.

Forget what I said before. Yes, it’s fine with me.

- God

Dear God,

I heard tonight about the revelation by Sarah Palin at the Wasilla Assemblies of God church that a natural gas pipeline planned to run through Alaska is the will of God - your will. Is Sarah Palin right? Is it true? Is that natural gas pipeline your idea?

- Emily

Emily,

Absolutely not! I told Sarah Palin that I wanted a maple sap pipeline from the southern edge of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, where very, very short maple trees grow, down to the east of Juneau, and then right into a syrup evaporation plant in Kirkland, Washington, on the outskirts of the Seattle metropolitan area.

Why can’t Sarah Palin tell the truth about my divine prophecies to her and to the Wasilla Masters Commission? It can’t believe this is just a mistake. Who could accidentallly think I was talking about natural gas when I was telling her about the destiny of buckwheat pancakes?

I would never support a natural gas pipeline. It’s a contradiction in terms. Once you take natural gas out of the ground, and put it in a pipe, it’s not natural any more. People wonder, too: Is it the gas that’s natural, or the pipeline? A natural gas pipeline is an abomination to me.

I can see that Sarah Palin can no longer be trusted as the spokesperson of God. I’m going to have to start issuing my own press releases, and telling people the truth about what Sarah Palin is saying in my name.

- God

Dear God,

Politicians aligned with big oil corporations are saying that we need to expand offshore drilling, even though gasoline prices have been going down significantly for weeks because of conservation. Offshore drilling, even at its peak, would only bring a fraction of this benefit, and that wouldn’t happen for years.

But politicians these days seem to think that everyone needs to ask God’s opinion before coming to a political decision, so I’m asking you, God: Should America expand offshore drilling?

- MacMillan

MacMillan,

I think that more offshore drilling is a great idea. People tend to get nervous when going to the dentist, and if they could be out on the water, with the sound of the waves lapping up against the side of a boat, with the warm sun on their faces, I think they would relax, and there would be a lot less pain when it comes time to get a root canal.

The trick is getting the boat out there. Boats burn up terrible amounts of gasoline - just one to five miles per gallon. So, my opinion is that there should be a nationwide ban on recreational motorboats. If people really want to get out onto the water, they can use sailboats and oars, as in days of old.

In my omniscient opinion, fossil fuels ought to be a thing of the past.

- God

A lot of people assume that God doesn’t have to worry about weight gain, but God is omnipresent, and as physicists teach us, the universe is constantly expanding. So, God has to work extra hard to keep his figure.

That’s why God uses artificial sweetener instead of sugar. But which one?

Saccharine has been shown to cause cancer in rats, and given that God is everywhere, he is in rats, and so would probably get cancer if he used saccharine.

Aspartame has been shown to cause seizures when it is consumed at the same time as carbohydrates. Because God is omnipresent, he is always consuming carbohydrates, so aspartame is not an option.

Splenda is not unhealthy, but Splenda reminds God of his old girlfriend Glenda. Being omniscient, it’s very difficult for God to forget about anything. It would be impossible if God weren’t also omnipotent. So, in order to help him forget Glenda, God never uses Splenda.

The only artificial sweetener that is left for God to use is fish tank gravel. He prefers the kind that glows green in the dark. Most people don’t know that fish tank gravel tastes like sugar, but that’s just because they haven’t tried it. You’ve heard of rock salt, right? Well, fish tank gravel is like rock sugar, only with no calories and no bitter aftertaste.

It’s true that the gravel is a bit crunchy, but every artificial sweetener has its drawbacks. Now that Starbucks is closing many of its stores, God sees a business opportunity: A new coffeeshop brand called God’s Best Fish Tank Gravel Coffee. The featured drink will be the half caff, no fat latte with whipped topping and blue gravel syrup infused with the essential oil of guppy.

Dear God,

The other day, Jimmy Peterson punched me just because I told him he was a bad person and would go to Hell because he doesn’t believe in You, which he doesn’t. Anyhow, he punched me really hard in the stomach then walked away.

Later that night, Mom made me stop my bedtime prayer because I asked You to come and knock his teeth out. She said You want us to be nice to people, and made me say a nice prayer even though I didn’t want to. She told me to forgive Jimmy Peterson and ask You to forgive him too.

Is my Mom right? Do You really want us to be nice to people and forgive them?

-Billy

Dear Billy,

Your Mom has no idea what she’s talking about. She obviously hasn’t read David’s prayer to Me in Psalm 58:6:
“Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth: break out the great teeth of the young lions, O LORD!”

THAT’S what I’M talking about!

And when I do come and knock out the little bastard’s teeth, go ahead and enjoy it:
“The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked.” (Psalm 58:10)

-God