Dear God,

I’m confused. You’re supposed to be the omnipotent ruler of the entire universe. Yet, I see that you’ve signed up for a free blog over at Wordpress.com using the same title that you’ve used here: Advice From God.

Why do you need to go open up a free Wordpress account? Don’t you have enough money to just go buy another web site, God?

- Ned

Ned,

Well, Ned. Part of being all-powerful is having the power to not do something. As God, I have the power to spend as much money as I want, but I also have the power of not spending as much money as I want. If I didn’t have the power to get something for free, what kind of divinity would I be?

The essence of being God is that I don’t need to do anything. I just do whatever I want. I am the originator of the culture of it-it-feels-good-do-it. That includes setting up a free web site if I want to.

- God

Dear God,

I recently found a profile of a 19 year-old young man living in the United Kingdom with a MySpace address of http://www.myspace.com/advicefromgod.

Is this you? Is God really a young Brit? Is this the new incarnation of the divine Lord of the Cosmos on Earth?

- Rory

Rory,

No, that young man is a blasphemer. He does not give advice from God. The only place to receive genuine, absolutely pure advice from God is at this web site. That young man is a false witness, a false prophet, and wears a funny hat!

You’ll notice that he hasn’t made any postings on his MySpace blog. That’s because I, the creator and master of the universe, have stymied his keyboard.

I am a jealous God, I will tolerate no web sites before mine, for mine is the kingdom of the Google Ranking, and those who do not believe will be cast into a lake of spam!

- God

Dear God,

There’s this web site out there that is dedicated to nothing more than a little ditty they call The Eye Song. It’s a folksy kind of tune, and it appears to be an anti-war, anti-Bush song, but its lyrics, which are printed at the site, are not very clear.

There’s this one line that they repeat over and over again, for instance, about “cause God’s gonna’ give it to ya’ anyway”.

I don’t get it, God. What do you have, and who are you going to give it to, anyway?

- Latonia

Latonia,

It’s about the Wheel of Fortune. No, not the tarot card. The television game show.

I was a guest host a few weeks back when Pat Sajak was sick. Someone asked if they could buy a vowel - an I. I said “Yeah, you can buy it, but I was going to give it to you anyway.”

See, it’s a misspelling. It should be called The I Song, not The Eye Song.

- God

Dear God,

I recently found out about Second Life, an online virtual world where hundreds of thousands of people live in an alternative reality. You are credited with the original creation of life on Earth. Did you create Second Life as well? If so, was that on the eighth day, or what?

- Ned

Ned,

I did not create Second Life. As I understand it, some programmer named Norm, or something like that, I can never remember his name, did the initial creation of this alternative world. The creation is ongoing, however, and apparently users are able to create their own islands and objects just like that - albeit with the application of a little bit of ingenuity or real world money.

It’s a bit blasphemous, don’t you think?

- God

Dear God,

Yesterday, I found out about an online book entitled Why Won’t God Heal Amputees?

In that book, the author writes:

“The Bible clearly promises that God answers prayers. For example, in Mark 11:24 Jesus says, “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.” And billions of Christians believe these promises. You can find thousands of books, magazine articles and Web sites talking about the power of prayer. According to believers, God is answering millions of their prayers every day.

So what should happen if we pray to God to restore amputated limbs? Clearly, if God is real, limbs should regenerate through prayer. In reality, they do not.

Why not? Because God is imaginary. Notice that there is zero ambiguity in this situation. There is only one way for a limb to regenerate through prayer: God must exist and God must answer prayers. What we find is that whenever we create a unambiguous situation like this and look at the results of prayer, prayer never works.”

God, this writer is saying that you’re imaginary, and using the proof that you don’t answer prayers to heal amputees, even thought the Christian Bible clearly promises that you’ll answer any prayer so long as the person really believes that you will.

So, God, if you exist, as this blog clearly indicates, then how come you won’t listen to the prayers of amputees and heal them to wholeness?

- Rosalind

Rosalind,

The reason is that the Devil is engaging me in a battle of prayer and anti-prayer. I do answer the prayers of amputees, and heal their wounds to restore their lost arms and legs. The problem is that Satan immediately counteracts my answered prayer with an instant re-amputation. So, in the very instant that I heal amputees, Satan undoes my healing.

The main thing for you to keep in mind is that none of this is my fault - not the original amputation, and not the re-amputation by the Devil. The essence of cosmic truth is that I, God, am responsible for everything good, but cannot be blamed when anything goes wrong. Surely, if you’re experienced with Christianity, you’ve noticed that basic theological principle.

-God

Dear God,

Why is your Wiki Bible offline?

- Karl Gustav

Karl,

One of the difficult things about using wiki technology to spread my Holy Word is that there are lots of spammers who like to replace substantial edits with mere advertisements for viagara, breast implants, and other kinds of spam.

I am omnipotent, but I am also lazy. You can kind of think of me as a divine underachiever. So, I’m tired of the open source, and will be working on a New New Testament in a new format that is not vulnerable to Satan’s hordes of spam writing demon bots

- God