Dear God

News has come out that one of my favorite religious authors, Neale Donald Walsch, has been caught plagiarizing the work of another writer, copying it word for word and claiming that he wrote it himself.

Now, some are claiming that this isn’t the first case of plagiarism involving Neale Donald Walsch. Some people are saying that you were involved in a plagiarism conspiracy with Walsch.

They’re saying that the Conversations With God books, in which Walsch claims to quote you, God, were actually all written by Walsch. They’re saying that you just took credit for Walsch’s words, and that he paid you off to keep you quiet.

Is it true, God? Is it true?

- Tanya

Tanya,

I am disappointed with you. Did you really think that I wouldn’t notice that you have plagiarized this question? I wrote this question myself a few hundred years ago, as part of a one act musical entitled Holy Scriptures!

Now, I have a piece of advice for you, Tanya. Neale Donald Walsch wrote it down in Conversations With God after I told him to: Make your life a gift and remember in all ways you are the gift.

And if that doesn’t work, then okay, go ahead steal another writer’s words. Remember, they are the gift.

- God

Dear God,

In order to try to get Christianity taught in public schools, there are organizations that have created courses designed to teach the Christian Bible as literature, with the idea being that the Bible is such a well written book that it should be studied in order to help children become better writers themselves.

What do you think of this approach?

- Cadman

Cadman,

I have a hard time how anyone can avoid recognizing the literary worth of the Bible. All children have something to learn from the book. Take the following passage as an example:

When Israel finished killing all the inhabitants of Ai in the open ground and where they had followed them into the wilderness, and when all to a man had fallen by the edge of the sword, all Israel returned to Ai and slaughtered all its people. The number of those that fell that day, men and women together, was twelve thousand, all people of Ai.

Isn’t that just the kind of thing we need children to be reading more of?

- God

Dear God,

I try to follow your instructions for life. I really do, but sometimes the way of God is just plain confusing.

For example, in the book of Exodus, you command,

“Thou shalt make the robe of the ephod all of blue, and there shall be a hole in the top of it, in the midst thereof: it shall have a binding of woven work round about the hole of it, as it were the hole of an habergeon, that it be not rent, and beneath upon the hem of it thou shalt make pomegranates of blue, and of purple, and of scarlet, round about the hem thereof.”

Huh? God, you need to get a technical writer, okay?

First of all, I have never met an ephod in all of my life. Secondly what is a habergeon? Is it something I would want my mother to see me with?

I looked “habergeon” up in the dictionary, but that was no help. The dictionary said that a habergeon is a hauberk.

Also, how am I supposed to make pieces of fruit in different colors around the hem of a robe? Is this supposed to be like some kind of naturopathic remedy for people like myself who have difficulty getting up in the morning?

- Betty

Betty,

I apologize for the difficulty of that particular passage of instructions. The reason that it is so confusing is that the passage you refer to is actually a first draft of a users manual for Microsoft Windows XP.

An “ephod” is an package of virus protection software, and a “habergeon” is customer service. “Pomegranate” is the code name of the installation protocols.

You’ve got to remember that the Bible is not meant to be interpreted literally.

- God

Dear God,

I have in my life seen far too many people claiming to have the Word of God, only to let me down as I found out that they were really just speaking for themselves.

Now, I’m coming to you, the original source.

God, please tell me: What is the true Word of God?

- Ednice

Ednice,

May I first say that I am truly sorry that your mother picked out that name for you?

On to your question: Yes, I understand your disappointment. One way to tell when people are just making stuff up about me is that they will claim to have the “Word of God”, but then they can never just keep themselves to one word.

These people who claim that the Bible is the Word of God just don’t seem to get the concept. How many words are in the Bible, and which one of those words is the Word of God?

The true Word of God can fit on a business card, even if you have large handwriting. Okay, here it comes…

The true Word of God is: Flabbergaster.

I just love the way that word sounds, and I love the meaning of it. The idea that there is a word that refers to the act of rendering another temporary wordless is very attractive to me, as I am a jealous god, and just can’t stand it when somebody else tries to hog the spotlight by speaking when in my presence.

- God

Dear God,

I was recently confronted by a non-Christian friend of mine who said that my religion doesn’t make any sense, because if God created the Universe, he must have created everything bad about it too, and such a deity who would choose to make so much bad stuff must not be worth worship.

I told him that Satan was the source of all evil, but then he quoted a scripture from the Bible, Proverbs chapter 20 verse 22, which says, “Do no repay evil for evil. Wait for the Lord to handle the matter.”

He says that Bible verse indicates that you will repay evil for evil, and doesn’t that make you a clear source of bad things in the world.

How do I respond?

- Lawrence

Lawrence,

If you’re honest, you’ll respond by agreeing with your friend.

I am sick and tired of Satan taking credit for creating evil in the world. It’s not true. He’s just a copycat and wants the credit for himself. I am the original source. Who, after all, created Satan himself. That would be me.

People want to believe things about me because they idolize me. Oh, God is all good, they say. What they need to understand is that, as far as I’m concerned, everything I do is good, by definition, and that includes creating bad things.

When they say that I am omnibenevolent, what it really means is that my word defines what is good and what isn’t, because I’m the ruler of the universe, and you had better get used to it.

Don’t like it? Create your own universe, if you can.

- God

Dear God,

What is the test of a true follower of God?

- Earnest

Earnest,

There’s one simple test that seems quite clear to me. I revealed it to the author of the Book of Isaiah, preparing the way for the second coming of Jesus (I always write ahead, and am sure to tie my plot elements together at the end).

I wrote, in chapter 43 of the true follower of God that “when you go through the fire, you will not be burned, and the flame will have no power over you.”

So, a true follower of God, when asked to jump into a fire, will gladly do it to prove their true allegiance to me. Anyone who says that they are a follower of God’s word, but is afraid of being burned by fire, is just a fake. I mean, either they believe God’s word or they don’t right?

So, if you know anyone who says that they follow God, and they have safety matches, you know they’re just putting on an act.

- God

Dear God,

I have a neighbor whose entire house was decorated according to the dictates of Feng Shui. She calls herself Christian, yet talks about the “energies” of her house according to this Japanese mumbo jumbo. I regard it all as simple blasphemy.

I want to present a true alternative example in Christian decorating skills, and I’m starting with the pillows.

So, God, how can I select pillows for my house in a manner that will be the most Christian?

- Marsha

Marsha,

As the Fundamentalists have proven, it’s important to regard every single decision in life according to what has been written about it in the Bible. So, what pillow would Jesus use?

There is only one actual pillow mentioned in the Bible: A pillow upon which Jesus fell asleep while riding in a boat. Therefore, every pillow in your house should come from a boat. To choose any other kind of pillow would be sinful, and would doom you to Hell.

- God

Dear God,

I like to think of myself as someone who is up to date on technology. I was an early user of the Internet, and I’ve been sending emails out for 15 years now.

That said, I’m stumped by StumbleUpon. I understand the concept of it, just fine. The user provides some keywords and categories, and then the StumbleUpon brings the user, randomly, to some site within that sphere.

I’m worried about the moral implications of it all. On the one hand, I can see the value of StumbleUpon as reviving the surprise of the early days of surfing the Internet just for the pleasure of it.

On the other hand, it seems very nihilist. It rejects order, and the idea of intentionality as an inherent structure in the universe. It is as if there is no longer to be any structure to being than that which is defined by the user.

That, in itself, seems to me to be a rejection of the value of God.

What’s your opinion?

- Edwin

Edwin,

Stumbling is actually an essential part of the divine art of prophecy. It was a gift from me to humanity that had been lost for centuries, until now.

Once, I required prophets to stumble around in the desert for weeks at a time until they stumbled upon ultimate truth. Now, thanks to StumbleUpon, people can achieve prophecy from the comfort of their own homes.

It’s part of a new line of spirituality products that I’m introducing, all incorporating the concept of convenience enlightenment. It’s been the assumption of religious preachers that enlightenment must be difficult. I’m willing to challenge that convention.

You wouldn’t want to make it more difficult than necessary for your kids to learn to read, would you? Well, that’s why I’m giving new learning shortcuts to people who want to understand what they need to do to reach a higher plane of existence. I promise that you can become one with everything in one week or less, or your money back.

Here’s an introductory offer of a clue: StumbleUpon is indeed random, and that’s how it will help you reach enlightenment. It’s no different in that respect from every other system of organizing scripture, including all the holy books that have ever been written.

It’s not for nothing that so many Christians flip to a random page of the Bible when they are seeking guidance. The Bible isn’t meant to be read cover to cover. It only makes sense when read in random order.

- God

Dear God,

I have an atheist friend, and I’ve been trying to convince him for years now to convert to Christianity, but he just won’t listen to me. His latest objection to me is that he says I don’t even understand the Bible. Yesterday, when I asked him to pray with me, he said, “I’ll pray with you if you can tell me what a Thessalonian is. You’re always quoting Thessalonians this and Thessalonians that, so what’s a Thessalonian?”

I didn’t know what to say, and so a soul slipped through my fingers. God, what is a Thessalonian?

- Felicia

Felicia,

A Thessalonian is someone from Sicily who speaks with a lisp.

Why are you trying to convert your atheist friend? I think atheists are great. It says so right in the Bible: “And those who do not believe shall sit at my right hand in Heaven, and not have to eat any vegetables before having dessert.”

That’s from the lost chapter of the Thessalonians, which no one wrote down because they couldn’t understand it. Too much lisping.

- God

Dear God,

I am in my first year of college, and already I’m confused. I’m taking a biology class, in which we are discussing the classification of animals. The professor tells us that we can distinguish insects from other arthropods because all insects have six feet. However, I grew up believing that locusts have four feet. I quote Leviticus, Chapter 11:

“Even these of them ye may eat; the locust after his kind, and the bald locust after his kind, and the beetle after his kind, and the grasshopper after his kind, but all other flying creeping things which have four feet shall be an abomination unto you.”

Here is the word of God, telling me that we can distinguish the locust from other kinds of flying things that have four feet. Clearly, that means to me that the locust has four feet.

My professor did a most unholy thing, which was to place a six-legged locust in front of me, for dissection. It is as if he was saying that my God is a big liar, and that I should just go spit on my church. The affrontery!

I didn’t know what to say, though. How can I confront this agent of evil, who just so happens to have power over my academic career?

- Linda

Linda,

Your biology professor is not just an agent of evil. He is an agent of the Devil himself. He probably doesn’t know that he is possessed by the Devil, however. He probably believes, as most people who are possessed do, that he is eating too many hot wings.

What you must do is avoid the Devil’s conversation, which may lead you into damnation. If you start to debate your professor about whether locusts have six feet or four feet, you shall enter the realm of the World, which is the dominion of Satan. The locust has four feet, clearly, but you cannot convince this professor from Hell differently.

Instead, I suggest that you confront your professor in the middle of class, speaking the language of Heaven. Speak to him in tongues. The secret speech of the angels shall come to you, only when you clear your conscious mind of all facts and logic. That is what a biology class in college should be, though your professor, demonically manipulated as he is, cannot understand that obvious truth.

While speaking to him in tongues, stand up on your desk, point your fingers at the professor, and utter the sacred command, huremtoballvearationates, in as loud a voice as you can. You must perform this task three times before Satanic forces, which often come in the form of security guards, are able to eject you from the room. Only after you accomplish this will divine truth shine into that classroom. Only then will all the other students agree with you, that yes, locusts have four feet.

- God

Dear God,

I know that they say that you wrote the Bible, but there’s something about it that strikes me as rather curious, if indeed you are the author.

I notice that there isn’t anything revealed in the Bible that the people of the time didn’t already know. There is no mention of anything that actually would happen in the future, other than vague mumbled symbolic prophecies that don’t make any sense. There is also no mention of any place beyond the physical region known to the people at the time - no mention of kangaroos in Australia. Finally, there is no advance in scientific knowledge given by you with your supposed Holy Word in the Bible.

Why didn’t you let the Israelites know about antibiotics, or about how to get aspirin from the bark of willow trees, or something useful like that? Why isn’t any information that would have been historically outside of the knowledge of the local people of the times given, when you in your omniscience surely already knew it?

- Louise

Louise,

Actually, I am writing the Bible now, as a piece of historical fiction and New Age motivational literature. People who say that the Bible was written two thousand years ago just don’t know what they’re talking about. The Bible, first edition hardback, is actually due to be released in early 2008.

There will be a retroactive release, through my unlimited power over space and time, of certain books of the Bible, one at a time, at different times back in the Middle East. I’m hoping that this promotional strategy will generate some buzz and improve sales. I’ve got a few galaxies that I built last year using high interest loans, and I need to pay them off fast.

What you need to realize about the Bible is that it’s a work of historical fiction. For readers of historical fiction, it’s very important that there are not any references to objects or ideas that would not have been known at the time. If I had written a line mentioning a microwave oven to characters like Moses, it would have ruined the credibility of the story, and made the reader’s suspension of disbelief a great deal more challenging.

- God

Dear God,

I came home from work today, tired, and ready for a nap. I sat down on my couch, to get some rest, and I fell right in. All the springs had been removed from underneath the cushions.

I can’t find any sign of forced entry, and nothing else is missing. The police say that they can’t help me, and that I should just call the pawn shops in my area and ask them to be on the lookout for some couch springs.

What more can I do? How can I get my springs back?

- Felicia

Felicia,

I’m sorry, but there’s not really anything that you can do to get your springs back. You see, I took them.

Open your Bible, and you will understand. There’s nothing more that I love more than a nice spring mix salad. Nutritious, crunchy, and full of body and zest. Some tossed springs go well sprinkled with just a little bit of olive oil and salt.

The Psalmist knew of my divine hankering for a spring salad, and wrote, (87:7), “All my springs are in thee.”

They’re in me for quite some time too. Springs are like the proverbial chewing gum. They take about seven years for me to digest. That’s okay though, because, unlike most people, I never have eyes that are bigger than my stomach.

- God