Dear God,

I am studying agriculture, and one of the things that’s being discussed is interplanting. The idea is that a field will be more productive if more than one crop is planted in the same field. The idea is that insect pests and plant diseases will have a more difficult time getting a strong hold and devastating an entire crop if one plant is mixed in with others. The fertility of the soil is also supposed to be preserved, and soil erosion is decreased.

In spite of all of this, I read in the Book of Leviticus that you forbid interplanting in agriculture. You prescribe monoculture, just one kind of seed planted in any field. This is one of those commandments that’s never included in the popular list of the Ten Commandments, but there it is: “Thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed”.

Why not? Why are you so strongly opposed to anything but monoculture?

- Bart

Bart,

The essential issue is strip malls. I like strip malls. I really like it when you can go between different cities and find the same store in similar strip malls. The consistency is really nice. One store looks pretty much like another, and that’s soothing to my sensibilities.

You have to understand the historical context of Leviticus. Back when Leviticus was written, humanity was not technologically or culturally prepared for strip malls, so I had to prepare the way for the coming of the strip mall.

Agriculture was a great way to train people, to get them ready to build strip malls, when the time was right. Getting all one kind of plant grown in one field at a time, in row after row of identical plants, got rid of all the nasty unexpected scattering found in nature. It was a preparation for factories to mass produce the items to fill up the dollar stores and chain stores all over the world, just one item from one factory, sent out everywhere.

If you have fields with interplanted crops, well, you might as well just have merchants setting up booths to sell whatever they’ve got wherever they can find a place to sell it. Do you know what that leads to?

It leads to haggling. Haggling is next to godlessness.

- God

Dear God,

I try to follow your instructions for life. I really do, but sometimes the way of God is just plain confusing.

For example, in the book of Exodus, you command,

“Thou shalt make the robe of the ephod all of blue, and there shall be a hole in the top of it, in the midst thereof: it shall have a binding of woven work round about the hole of it, as it were the hole of an habergeon, that it be not rent, and beneath upon the hem of it thou shalt make pomegranates of blue, and of purple, and of scarlet, round about the hem thereof.”

Huh? God, you need to get a technical writer, okay?

First of all, I have never met an ephod in all of my life. Secondly what is a habergeon? Is it something I would want my mother to see me with?

I looked “habergeon” up in the dictionary, but that was no help. The dictionary said that a habergeon is a hauberk.

Also, how am I supposed to make pieces of fruit in different colors around the hem of a robe? Is this supposed to be like some kind of naturopathic remedy for people like myself who have difficulty getting up in the morning?

- Betty

Betty,

I apologize for the difficulty of that particular passage of instructions. The reason that it is so confusing is that the passage you refer to is actually a first draft of a users manual for Microsoft Windows XP.

An “ephod” is an package of virus protection software, and a “habergeon” is customer service. “Pomegranate” is the code name of the installation protocols.

You’ve got to remember that the Bible is not meant to be interpreted literally.

- God

Dear God,

I am am undergraduate with a major in physics, and I had thought that my childhood Christian beliefs were inconsistent with science, but then I found the following pasage in the Book of James: “Come near to God and he will come near to you.”

Doesn’t that imply exactly the kind of relativism of location in the Universe discussed by Albert Einstein? I mean, who’s really doing the moving when I get closer to God - me or God - and how can I tell the difference?

Also, if God is all present in some sense, and yet can come closer to a person in a particular time and place, doesn’t that suggest that there must be a dimension of space, unseen by human eyes, in which God is not universally present, and can actually become in motion, and not the unmoving mover?

If that’s true, where are you, so that I can get closer to you, and you can get closer to me?

- Rick

Rick,

No, Albert Einstein was completely wrong. Bonkers. I play with dice all the time. I particularly enjoy a good game of Yahtzee.

I am currently touring South Carolina, doing some political consulting. I’ll be in Montana next week, however, playing in the lounge at the Sheraton in Billings.

- God

Dear God,

What’s the difference between a Hi-Fi stereo and a stereo that’s not Hi-Fi?

- Francois

Francois,

Hi-Fi stands for “hint fish”. A stereo with Hi-Fi has a special computer processor in it that processes the sound to make it especially clear. The secret to this processor is that it has a little guppy in a small glass capsule hooked up to two electric circuits.

For every song that the stereo plays, the computer comes up with 15 different models for processing the sound. Then, the computer sends a signal to the glass capsule with the guppy in it, communicating these 15 models to the fish. The fish then gives the computer a hint about which model would sound the best. That’s the model that the Hi-Fi stereo uses to create its superior sound.

The next time you’re shopping for a stereo, make sure to ask for the one with the fish.

- God

Dear God,

I am in my first year of college, and already I’m confused. I’m taking a biology class, in which we are discussing the classification of animals. The professor tells us that we can distinguish insects from other arthropods because all insects have six feet. However, I grew up believing that locusts have four feet. I quote Leviticus, Chapter 11:

“Even these of them ye may eat; the locust after his kind, and the bald locust after his kind, and the beetle after his kind, and the grasshopper after his kind, but all other flying creeping things which have four feet shall be an abomination unto you.”

Here is the word of God, telling me that we can distinguish the locust from other kinds of flying things that have four feet. Clearly, that means to me that the locust has four feet.

My professor did a most unholy thing, which was to place a six-legged locust in front of me, for dissection. It is as if he was saying that my God is a big liar, and that I should just go spit on my church. The affrontery!

I didn’t know what to say, though. How can I confront this agent of evil, who just so happens to have power over my academic career?

- Linda

Linda,

Your biology professor is not just an agent of evil. He is an agent of the Devil himself. He probably doesn’t know that he is possessed by the Devil, however. He probably believes, as most people who are possessed do, that he is eating too many hot wings.

What you must do is avoid the Devil’s conversation, which may lead you into damnation. If you start to debate your professor about whether locusts have six feet or four feet, you shall enter the realm of the World, which is the dominion of Satan. The locust has four feet, clearly, but you cannot convince this professor from Hell differently.

Instead, I suggest that you confront your professor in the middle of class, speaking the language of Heaven. Speak to him in tongues. The secret speech of the angels shall come to you, only when you clear your conscious mind of all facts and logic. That is what a biology class in college should be, though your professor, demonically manipulated as he is, cannot understand that obvious truth.

While speaking to him in tongues, stand up on your desk, point your fingers at the professor, and utter the sacred command, huremtoballvearationates, in as loud a voice as you can. You must perform this task three times before Satanic forces, which often come in the form of security guards, are able to eject you from the room. Only after you accomplish this will divine truth shine into that classroom. Only then will all the other students agree with you, that yes, locusts have four feet.

- God

Dear God,

I know that they say that you wrote the Bible, but there’s something about it that strikes me as rather curious, if indeed you are the author.

I notice that there isn’t anything revealed in the Bible that the people of the time didn’t already know. There is no mention of anything that actually would happen in the future, other than vague mumbled symbolic prophecies that don’t make any sense. There is also no mention of any place beyond the physical region known to the people at the time - no mention of kangaroos in Australia. Finally, there is no advance in scientific knowledge given by you with your supposed Holy Word in the Bible.

Why didn’t you let the Israelites know about antibiotics, or about how to get aspirin from the bark of willow trees, or something useful like that? Why isn’t any information that would have been historically outside of the knowledge of the local people of the times given, when you in your omniscience surely already knew it?

- Louise

Louise,

Actually, I am writing the Bible now, as a piece of historical fiction and New Age motivational literature. People who say that the Bible was written two thousand years ago just don’t know what they’re talking about. The Bible, first edition hardback, is actually due to be released in early 2008.

There will be a retroactive release, through my unlimited power over space and time, of certain books of the Bible, one at a time, at different times back in the Middle East. I’m hoping that this promotional strategy will generate some buzz and improve sales. I’ve got a few galaxies that I built last year using high interest loans, and I need to pay them off fast.

What you need to realize about the Bible is that it’s a work of historical fiction. For readers of historical fiction, it’s very important that there are not any references to objects or ideas that would not have been known at the time. If I had written a line mentioning a microwave oven to characters like Moses, it would have ruined the credibility of the story, and made the reader’s suspension of disbelief a great deal more challenging.

- God

Dear God,

New research indicates that ants have a sense of their own mortality. This information is weighing heavily on my mind because I have an ant infestation in my kitchen. I want to get rid of the ants, but after reading that new research, I am worried that I will terrify the ants as I prepare to kill them. They’ll watch me, and know that they’re about to die, and their last moments will be spent in horro. I don’t want to be responsible for such suffering. What should I do?

- Hilda

Hilda,

As novel as that research is to you, I’ve known all along about ants’ preoccupation with death. In fact, I can tell you that ants have a very specific set of beliefs about the afterlife.

Ants believe that, when they die, they will be sucked along a dark, noisy tube until they reach a soft and crowded chamber where they will meet other ants who have died before them. So, what you should do is get a vacuum cleaner, and suck up all the ants that you can find in your kitchen. The ants will believe that they have already died, and therefore have nothing to fear. They will enjoy exploring the world of the afterlife inside your vacuum cleaner, until they actually die.

Then, they will discover the true afterlife that waits for them, and for all other insects: An infinitely long road, paved with squares of talking linoleum. It is better that ants are not enlightened to this truth until after death. They hate linoleum. It makes their feet feel itchy.

- God

Dear God,

I bought an iPhone earlier this summer, and paid, after taxes and all that, over six hundred dollars for it. Now, in September, Apple Computer is saying that it’s going to sell the iPhone for just four hundred dollars.

It’s like they charged me two hundred extra dollars, when they gave other people a special break? What do they have against me? How come I get all the bad luck?

What can I do to make this right? How can I get what I deserve?

- Seymour

Seymour,

I suggest that you take your case to the court of public opinion. You could start with the newspapers in New Orleans. Next, send letters to the editor of the papers in places like Bangladesh, Columbia, the Sudan and Iraq.

If you can only get the people of the world to understand your misery, I’m sure they will come rallying to your assistance.

- God

Dear God,

I walked out my front door to find a swarm of dying mayflies on the sidewalk. Why is it that you designed mayflies to live only for one day and then die? It seems awfully cruel to me.

- Rosemarie

Rosemarie,

It is a common misconception that mayflies live only for one day. The truth is that they live in their adult form for one day, but they live in their larval form for much longer - a few weeks.

There’s a clear reason for this arrangement that might just help you feel better about the whole thing. What you don’t know about mayflies is that they’re born terrorists.

Mayflies possess an unrivaled mental aptitude that makes their inherent terroristic nature particularly dangerous. You may think that human beings are the most intelligent species on the planet, but you’re wrong. It’s mayflies. They’re geniuses beyond human comprehension.

If mayflies were able to live more than one day, they would, in their malice, design, construct and explode a bomb capable of creating a crater the size of New Zealand.

Mayflies have a harsh political agenda which they seek to achieve by any means necessary. Their manifesto: Liberate the Omaha Seventeen! Nobody, not even I, know who the Omaha Seventeen are, much less how to liberate them, and that makes the mayflies such a terrible threat. You see, mayflies do not accept that ignorance is an excuse for inaction.

Every morning, during mayfly season, millions upon millions of mayflies emerge from their larval state, have group sex while flying in the air, and then set upon their dastardly mission of designing the ultimate superweapon. By nightfall, their plans are complete, and they go to bed with the agreement that they’ll build the weapon and detonate it before breakfast. Then, they all die.

You should be grateful, very grateful, to see your sidewalk littered with their carcases, the little buggers.

- God

Dear God,

In the grocery store today, I saw a book for sale entitled The Bible Cure For Headaches. I don’t get it. How can the Bible cure headaches?

I searched the Bible, and not once anywhere does the Bible mention headaches, much less a cure for them.

So, what is it, God? What is the Bible cure for headaches?

- Benson

Benson,

If you have a headache, hit yourself over the head with the Bible until it doesn’t hurt any more.

- God

Dear God,

I’m in my first year in college, and I’m learning a lot of new things. My friends have influenced some of my ideas about religion, but I’m still trying to figure out who I am.

They tell me, for example, that I can still be a Christian and accept the scientific concept of biological evolution at the same time. Well, that seems kind of a weird idea to me. I mean, Genesis doesn’t mention evolution, does it?

I thought I’d ask you for your thoughts on this subject, but instead of trying to understand the whole grand scheme of biology and faith, I’d ask you to give me the answer on just one thing in particular.

God, what is the most immediate evolutionary relative of the the horse?

- Julie

Julie,

This is a very wise approach for you to take. You are correct in thinking that you can understand the relationship between religion and science by understanding the evolutionary history of the horse.

The nearest evolutionary relative of the horse is the guppy. Fancy guppies and just plain old guppies are equally related to the horse.

Now, a lot of biology professors at those fancy universities don’t want to tell you about this. They come up elaborate schemes for depicting the gradual evolution of the horse from an animal that looks like a big rat with funny toes into becoming Black Beauty.

Let me tell you, that’s not how it happened. I know, because I was there. The horse evolved directly from the guppy.

How is this possible? Well, I work in mysterious ways, so I won’t let you in on all my trade secrets, but basically I performed a miracle. You do believe that I can perform miracles, don’t you? Well, that’s what happened. I took a stream full of guppies and transformed them into horses.

You can trust me that this is how it really happened, even though there’s no evidence for it left in the fossil record. That’s what faith is all about: Believing in some things without needing all those pesky facts to interfere in the matter.

So, you see, science and religion really can coexist, just so long as you believe everything that I say. The horses and guppies prove it.

- God

Dear God,

After seeing the news about the capture of a giant squid by a research team led by scientist Tsunemi Kubodera, my family went out and caught our very own giant squid last weekend. We’ve put it in the freezer to keep it fresh, but the truth is that we don’t know what to do with it now that we’ve caught it.

I’m now left wondering what the point was in capturing the giant squid. Looking at it, it’s pretty much just like a normal squid, except that it’s really, really big. It fills up our entire basement freezer, as a matter of fact, and so we’ve had to eat all of our frozen pizzas in one day, really fast, and we’re feeling sick.

Help us out, God. What do we do now?

- Horatio

Horatio,

When I took Jesus out on our first giant squid fishing trip, I made sure to impart to him the ethics of catching giant squid. Most important of all, you should endeavor to use every part of the squid, as the people did back in the Stone Age, when the difference between survival and starvation could depend upon knowing the way to make squid eye stew.

There’s the obvious thing to do with the flesh - giant calimari. I suggest serving it with lime as well as a marina sauce that has extra cayenne pepper. The mantle, properly cut, can make a jaunty holiday centerpiece for your New Year’s Eve Party. The beaks make excellent ashtrays or garden hoes. The little teeth from the suction cups on the tentacles, when polished, can be used to make unique necklaces to give to a prospective mate, or to sell at the farmer’s market.

Don’t forget to use the siphon, which can be used to make very effective tennis wristbands, until they begin to smell.

- God