Dear God,

I’m seeing today on CafePress the news that we are all now to be allowed to make up our own designs relating to the movie Snakes on a Plane, and sell those designs on shirts and mugs and stuff like that.

The founder of CafePress gave us the news, saying,

“We’re excited to announce that New Line Cinema is partnering with CafePress.com to permit fans of Snakes on a Plane to become official licensees of Snakes on a Plane merchandise - creating a unique program in the true ‘citizen’ spirit of the movie. This interactive promotion allows our network of over 2.5 million members to unleash their creativity to transform Snakes artwork and ideas into unique gifts and share in the revenue stream.”

I don’t get it.

First of all, I don’t understand why I should want to just stick up some stuff related to some movie about snakes on a plane onto my web site and try to convince people to buy it. Why would anyone buy something like that, and why wouldn’t they just buy it from the movie company directly?

Secondly, I don’t understand what the big deal about the movie Snakes on A Plane is, anyway. So, there are snakes on a plane, and people on a plane, and the people have to fly the plane without getting bitten or constricted or otherwise killed. Why not Jello on a Ferris Wheel, a movie in which someone has to try to climb down from the top of a frozen ferris wheel that has accidentally been coated in slippery Jello? Makes about as much sense to me.

- Chip the CafePress Shopowner

Chip,

This is about much more than just some little movie. Snakes on a Plane actually secretly refers to a secret society derived from the Spanish Conquistadores who conquered the Aztec empire and were inducted into the secret cult of Quetzalcoatl, the plumed serpent god that could fly.

The airplane is merely a symbol of flight, not the actual object of action in the movie. Snakes represent renewal of life, because they can shed their skin and are symbolic of the divine hoop of the world.

Don’t take this movie literally. Samuel L. Jackson knows more than he’s letting on.

And CafePress? I wouldn’t be surprised if Maheesh Jain were in on the whole thing, using CafePress items like buttons and bumper stickers to spread the word surreptitiously among cult members that the time for activiation has come.

Don’t believe me? Take a look at this movie, and the CafePress promotional scheme, and tell me if it makes sense on a literal level.

There’s more to this than meets the forked tongue.

- God

Dear God,

In Jerry Springer The Opera, you sing “It aint easy being me” and ask Jerry, of all people, for advice. But have you considered hiring a professional management consultant? Are there any management consultants in heaven?

- Tremont

Tremont,

That’s an excellent question. It isn’t easy being me, but the fact is that Jerry Springer isn’t really much help. He didn’t give me any advice that worked in the end.

The truth is that I have created the entire universe as a kind of management consultant. It’s like a mirror really, given that I am the cosmos. I look at the universe, and it tells me things about myself. It’s all about me, me, me.

I have hired a professional management consultant from San Diego, and she tells me that I need to stop thinking about myself. Let me tell you, that’s not an easy thing to do when you’re omnipresent, but, thankfully, I am also omnipotent, so I could stop thinking about myself, if I really wanted to. The truth of the matter is that I really don’t want to.

Now, about heaven. Yes, there are plenty of professional management consultants in heaven. Thinking about that, it doesn’t fill me with very much confidence about their skills. Death is, after all, the ultimate end to one’s career, and these consultants are all dead. That’s how they got into heaven, after all. They haven’t been very successful at keeping their careers going, have they? So, although all the professional management consultants in heaven keep on begging me for work, I refuse to hire any of them.

- God

Dear God,

Whenever I travel with my business partner, he refuses to look at the safety card or the flight attendant when instructions are given for what to do in case the plane crashes. I worry that he is putting the safety of me and the other passengers at risk. What should I do?

- Petra

Petra,

What should you do? It’s as plain as day.

You should sell any real estate that you currently own. I have forseen that the housing market will crash within the next nine months.

Also, be sure to get plenty of fiber in your diet.

When it comes to your partner’s apathy, don’t worry. My omniscience tells me that there will be no plane crashes in your future.

If you can’t stop feeling nervous about travelling with your partner, take the aisle seat and chew some spearmint gum. I’ve got some big investments in spearmint farms in Paraguay, where most of the mint flavoring in American chewing gums comes from.

- God

God

The Bible sure is a long book. Did you have any help writing it, like a ghost writer or something?

- Deva

Deva,

Good question. The truth is that I wrote the Bible through dictation, and I had many, many editors.

Your question has really got me thinking, though. It has been a long, long while since the Bible has been updated. Perhaps it is time for a new edition.

I’m too busy to go and write it myself, though. So, what I’m doing is embracing the new technology (I invented the Internet, you know), and am making the Bible completely open source.

Now, you too will be able to say that you wrote the Bible. Put that on your resume!

The way I’m going to make this work is through something I call the Full Wiki Bible. It’s the old Bible, yes, but there are going to be some big changes in it. So far, I have just the first 19 or so chapters of Genesis online, but, of course, there’s much more to come.

This being wiki, everybody is free to make their own changes to the Bible now. That’s what makes it the Full Wiki Bible, not just these little semi wiki Bible projects out there that allow someone to merely comment on the Bible without changing the verses they don’t like. You follow me, and you get the real thing: The new God of the Full Wiki Bible is a democratic God, and loving it, baby!

- God