Dear God,

I need to buy a birthday gift for a friend, but I don’t know what to get. What do you suggest?

- Edward

Edward,

Buy your friend a box of paper clips. Buy a thumbtack. Buy a set of 3 rolls of masking tape - one very wide, one not so wide, and one very narrow indeed. But a stick of chewing gum. Buy a hammer. Buy a nail.

Buy anything, but wrap it up in paper, tie it up with a bow, and write a note on the outside with the one-word message: “Sincerely”.

- God

Dear God,

Why did you design the octopus with eight arms? Wouldn’t four arms have been just as effective? Couldn’t you gave gone to ten arms, as long as you were going for a big quantity?

- Jean-Jacques

Jean-Jacques,

The octopus has eight arms because it’s called the octopus. Duh. Oct means eight, you know.

Look, you’re not a deity, so you don’t understand how this works. First, you name the animal. Then you create it. So, I named the animal the octopus, and then I had to give it eight legs.

Same thing with the centipede. I named it the centipede, and then I had to give it 100 legs.

Yes, I know - centipedes don’t really have 100 legs. That’s because of Satan, who keeps on trying to make me look bad. He knocked some of the centipede’s legs off. He said it was for the sake of efficiency.

Efficiency is the devil’s tool.

- God

Dear God,

In the Song of Solomon, you left some work undone. You wrote, “Love is strong as death”, but you never said how strong death is.

I’d like to know more about the true nature of love, and so I need to ask you: How strong is death?

- Peter

Peter,

Many people read that passage incorrectly. They think that I mean that love has a grip that is as strong as the grip of death, but that’s not what I meant. Anyone who has witnessed the way of love over time knows that.

Death is not truly strong. It is a passive state of perfect weakness. Think of it this way: When was the last time you ever saw a dead man get up and do a hard day’s work, or even something as easy as washing the dishes?

Love is as strong as death, yes, which is to say that it is weak, a state of passive decay that smells worse the longer that it persists.

- God

Dear God,

My company started sending me out on frequent business trips a couple of years ago. They have me stay at a chain of hotels called Courtyard Marriottt. No matter what city I’m sent to, there’s a Courtyard Marriottt.

Yet, something is being kept from me. Every time I check into a Courtyard Marriottt, I look around, and there is no courtyard. I’m confused. Where is the courtyard in all of these hotels, how can I find them, and why are they being kept from me?

- Paulette

Paulette,

The courtyard in Courtyard Marriottt hotels is not on any of the floors that you have access to. It’s on floor Z.

Floor Z is like an extra axis on an XY chart. Up-down is the X axis. Left-right is the Y axis. The Z axis is in a different dimension, there to flip you out.

The courtyard, and Floor Z, are in a deeper dimension that makes the Executive Suites much bigger than they otherwise would be. Courtyard Marriottts use a Jukes-Sotheby engine in the boiler room to warp space and time. When the engine is engaged, with a special magnetic key card in the elevator, the person enters Floor Z, though the people staying on the floor never consciously notice that they are moving through an extra dimension of space, thanks to the ambient music coming from the speakers.

The courtyard on Floor Z is for people with more than one million rewards points on their credit cards. What they find there is a snack bar, a video game arcade, a spa, and an entertainment center. There is free wireless Internet access in the courtyard as well. A waterfall runs from the side of the courtyard into a pool in the center.

People visiting the Courtyard Marriottt can take anything that they want from the Floor Z, but the items are not free. There’s a price for everything. In the Z dimension, the inhabitants have no clothes, and they’re very cold. So, if you take something to drink, or use the internet access in the Courtyard Marriottt’s courtyard, you’ll have to give a lose a piece of clothing.

Sometime later, you’ll find that you’re missing a hat, or a glove, or a sock. It’s been taken, as payment, by the inhabitants of the Z dimension. No one tells Courtyard Marriottt customers that this sort of thing goes on. People just think that they’ve lost clothes while traveling, or in the laundry.

Be glad, therefore, that you don’t have one million rewards points on your credit card, and you’ve never found that courtyard. You’ve got a fuller closet because of it.

- God

Dear God,

Two weeks ago, I took in a stray cat, and gave her everything that she needed. I gave her medical care, and as much food and water as she wanted to eat or drink. I haven’t seen her since Friday. God, I think that something may have gotten her, perhaps a fox or coyote. I ask, God, that you put a circle of protection around her.

How can I find my cat again?

- Callie

Callie,

I’m a little confused about this. If the cat has been eaten by a fox or a coyote, why do you want me to put a circle of protection around her? Are you concerned about the digestive health of the animal that ate her? That’s very compassionate.

Some people, who don’t understand the ways of me, the Heavenly Father, say that if you want to find your cat, you should pray on it. That’s not really how I work.

What you should do is knit on it. Have you ever heard about the power of knitting? It’s like the power of prayer, but stronger, especially if you use small needles and natural fiber.

A lot of people have trouble with the idea that they can find something just by knitting, but if you think about it, it’s really not that much harder to believe than the idea that you can find something by praying about it. I mean, sure, it sounds kind of silly to sit at home and make a sweater, or a nice scarf, or a pair of socks, when the cat you’re looking for is somewhere outside, but sitting at home and talking into the air about what you want isn’t so much less silly, is it?

If you have faith in me, knit on it. Of course, sometimes the answer to a knitting is no.

If that’s not good enough for you, and you want to go out and try to find your cat on your own, then I suggest that look for fox or coyote droppings with little bits of cat hair in them. Just a hint.

Best of luck!

- God

Dear God,

I came home from work today, tired, and ready for a nap. I sat down on my couch, to get some rest, and I fell right in. All the springs had been removed from underneath the cushions.

I can’t find any sign of forced entry, and nothing else is missing. The police say that they can’t help me, and that I should just call the pawn shops in my area and ask them to be on the lookout for some couch springs.

What more can I do? How can I get my springs back?

- Felicia

Felicia,

I’m sorry, but there’s not really anything that you can do to get your springs back. You see, I took them.

Open your Bible, and you will understand. There’s nothing more that I love more than a nice spring mix salad. Nutritious, crunchy, and full of body and zest. Some tossed springs go well sprinkled with just a little bit of olive oil and salt.

The Psalmist knew of my divine hankering for a spring salad, and wrote, (87:7), “All my springs are in thee.”

They’re in me for quite some time too. Springs are like the proverbial chewing gum. They take about seven years for me to digest. That’s okay though, because, unlike most people, I never have eyes that are bigger than my stomach.

- God

Dear God,

My faith has been shaken. I’ve been eating pretzels at the Auntie Anne’s pretzel shop at my local mall for years now. I love the way that they manage to make the pretzels taste bready and fatty and salty and sweet, all at the same time.

Well, I went there yesterday, and I enjoyed my pretzel so much that I asked to see Auntie Anne and thank her myself. That’s when the bottom dropped out of my world. The person at the cash register told me that there is no Auntie Anne.

I said, “That’s impossible! Look at the blue neon sign above you. It says ‘Auntie Anne’s’ This place is hers. It’s there in writing. It has to be true.”

The clerk refused to accept the logic of my argument. He just said to me, “Whatever is written up there, there is no Auntie Anne. Would you like to talk to the manager?”

Well, I talked to the manager, and she denied her personal relationship with Aunti Anne, who had created all the pretzels sitting there right in front of us.

“How can you manage one of Auntie Anne’s restaurants and not know Auntie Anne, or at least have her telephone number?” I asked.

“There is no Auntie Anne,” she said.

“Prove it to me,” I demanded. “Prove to me that Auntie Anne does not exist.”

“I can’t prove a negative,” said the manager, obviously clutching at straws. “I can’t prove that there is no Auntie Anne any more than I can prove to you that there is no invisible pretzel demon, standing behind you, waiting to lick your pretzel.”

This was too much for me to handle. At that moment, I realized what I was up against. I was dealing with a denier of Auntie Anne and a pretzel demon at the same time. I dropped my pretzel and ran away. I haven’t been back to Auntie Anne’s since.

I don’t know what to do. I need Auntie Anne, but I’m afraid to go back and face the licking pretzel demon. What should I do?

- Anita

Anita,

Clearly, what you need to do is to start lobbying Congress. Get the words “and Auntie Anne” inserted in the Pledge of Allegiance. Have the words “On Pretzels We Chew” printed on the dollar bill. Have school children bow their heads and eat a pretzel before class begins each day. Force your local school district to start teaching high school biology students that all living things are descended from pretzels.

Only then will Auntie Anne’s power become evident to you once more.

- God

Dear God,

I saw in the news today that the National Wildlife Federation is predicting that climate change will cause many officially designated state wildflowers and state trees to leave the states for which they are emblems.

For example, in Pennsylvania, the state flower, the mountain laurel, and the state tree, the eastern hemlock, are both likely to become endangered as temperatures continue to increase.

I don’t understand. How can the climates of planet Earth change so much that a state flower doesn’t even grow in its home state any more? Are state wildflowers eternal, or are they just designated by the human committees of government?

- Petunia

Petunia,

Actually, state flowers and state trees are not eternal. Neither, however, are they designated by human governmental committees. There is a third option you have not considered: Badgers.

Think about it for a minute. Do you really know what badgers do? Almost nobody does.

The reason is that badgers are constantly busy reviewing proposed official state emblems. It was the badgers who chose the state flowers, and the state trees, and the state birds.

The badgers meet in special convention in central Nebraska every three years to decide these matters. In 2009, the badgers are scheduled to give each state an official potato chip. They had to wait a while on that one, until there were more than 50 different potato chips to choose from.

The badgers reserve the right to choose a new state flower for any state, but need a two-thirds majority to do so.

- God

Dear God,

I am perplexed about Paraguay. It’s one of those countries that we almost never hear about, and I’m wondering why.

I’d like to visit Paraguay to see what the country is all about, but I don’t know where to start. What advice can you give me?

- Alicia

Alicia,

Paraguay is rarely mentioned in our news media because of the very low price of candy of Paraguay. The cost of jellybeans in Paraguay, for example, is just ten percent of the cost of jellybeans here in the United States. Chocolate bars still sell for the equivalent of just ten cents in the markets of Paraguay. The Department of Commerce is worried that Paraguayan candy would glut the American market and cause economic disaster if people found out about it.

There isn’t much risk to visiting Paraguay. There are no significant natural hazards, and the military dictatorship that once controlled the country has been gone for almost twenty years.

If you go down to southeastern border area near the Rio Parana, however, watch out! This area borders both Brazil and Argentina, and is full of criminals engaged in smuggling, money laundering, and the sale of weapons and drugs. The profits from these activities go to support the operations of extremist organizations, so you never know who you will meet when you go there.

Other than that, you should be safe in Paraguay, just so long as you speak Spanish or have a translator, and as long as you avoid one particular topic of conversation: Hats. For the people of Paraguay, there is nothing more offensive than referring to another person’s hat. The exception occurs on Paraguayan Independence Day, celebrated on May 15. On May 15, Paraguayans talk of nothing other than each others’ hats, and it is considered a grave insult if you do not acknowledge someone’s hat on that day - even if the person you are speaking with is actually not wearing a hat.

On Paraguay’s Independence Day, one is expected to say something to the effect of, “Never before have I seen a hat of such extraordinary design, and if it were mine, I would never take it off, not even to take a shower.” It is a holiday greeting of sorts, and failure to speak the greeting is equivalent to the social gaffe here in the United States that occurs when a Wal-Mart greeter says “Happy holidays” to customers instead of “Merry Christmas”.

- God

Dear God,

I was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. When I asked my oncologist what could be done, he just said, “Nothing.” I asked him how he knew there was nothing to be done, how he could give up without trying. He just shrugged his shoulders and walked out of the room. I had to get dressed and walk myself back out to the front office and pay for the visit without anything more than that.

What am I supposed to do now?

- Barry

Barry,

There is nothing that you’re supposed to do. You have stepped outside of the realm of supposition and social order. You have a fatal illness, and the medical profession appears to have abandoned you. As far as they’re concerned, you’re already dead.

You can go to another doctor, of course, and see if you’ll get another opinion. You might not get another opinion, however. You might just get another oncologist who gives you the same opinion, although it’s delivered in a less brutal form.

More fundamentally, you have to deal with the crisis that all people will have to deal with, although most people forget about it. You are going to die. Maybe you won’t die today, or tomorrow, or this week, or this year, but you will die eventually. There is no cure for mortality.

Why must it be this way? Well, actually it doesn’t have to be this way at all. Human beings could be immortal, if I chose to allow it. However, I chose to create people as mortal beings. That way, there would be more turnover, and more interesting plot developments in the soap operas.

Don’t blame your oncologist for it. Blame me.

- God

Dear God,

Are you really God?

Aren’t you really just a person writing this blog?

- Doubting Douglass

Douglass,

How can you doubt that I am God. I am God.

There, you see? As you can see from the above paragraph, it has been written that I am God. That makes it scripture. Therefore, it must be true.

Right?

- God

Dear God,

Here in Interlaken, New York, we recently hosted a 5k steeple chase race, which benefits the Interlaken Reformed Church.

The posters put up around this area claim that Interlaken is frequently called “God’s Country”. The thing is, I have lived around this area for most of my life, and I have never heard anyone call Interlaken God’s country - except on this new poster.

Is Interlaken really your country, God, and if so, what does that make the rest of the world - Satan’s country?

- Interlaken Irene

Irene,

No, Interlaken is not my country. In fact, churches all over America like to call their particular locality “God’s Country”. The truth, though, is that they’ve never consulted me on the matter. They haven’t asked me if, in fact, it’s really my country, or even if I would like for it to be.

I am omnipresent, and so I’ve been to Interlaken, of course, but to tell the truth, that village and its surroundings don’t really hold much interest for me. Sorry, Interlaken.

- God