Dear God,

The labor strike of Hollywood writers has been going on for weeks and weeks now, and all my favorite TV shows are being threatened.

What can I do to end this terrible situation?

- Harvey

Harvey,

Have you thought about doing your own shows? You can use the materials you have at home.

Maybe you could cast shadows on the wall with your hands, for an action adventure. If you want special effects, you can have one of your neighbors make sounds to go with the story.

Or, perhaps, have I misunderstood your question? Is what you’re wondering, perhaps, how you can deal with the hours passing in the eveningtime without an electric box to entertain you?

If that’s the case, Harvey, then the sad lesson for you is that you just need to let the problem take care of itself. You can end the relevance of the Hollywood writer’s strike by canceling your subscription to cable television. After a month without your favorite television shows, your evening time will have a way of filling itself with other tasks.

Television, you see, has a way of warping the space-time continuum through quantum entertainment particles. Everything surrounding a television set becomes much, much smaller, and much, much quicker in passing, though the people who sit and watch the television don’t themselves notice, until they leave the presence of the television for long periods of time. You’ll get used to normal reality again, in time.

- God

Dear God,

Sometimes, when I’m praying, I get the feeling that you’re really not listening to me, like I’m just talking into the air, to myself, and there’s not anyone paying attention to me. It makes me feel sad.

Please, tell me that it isn’t so.

- Lionel

Lionel,

Don’t worry, someone is listening. It’s just not me. It’s one of my elfin clerks.

Prayer is kind of like signing one of those online petitions to the President of the United States. An elf comes to me with a summary of all the prayers of the day once every morning, or just prepares a report for me if I’m on vacation, so that I can look at it briefly when I get back. It’s my way of getting a general sense of what people want.

Don’t expect an answer, any more than you would expect a response from the President of the United States.

If you want to get my attention, you need to send me something unusual. I get prayers and prayers and prayers every day. But when was the last time someone sent me flowers with a nice note, or a teddy bear? One time, a guy from Arkansas sent me a vintage Peugot racing car, in prime condition. I had him over for a five minute coffee a few weeks later, and gave him just the investment advice that he needed.

If you send something clever, my people will send you a commemorative God lapel pin.

- God

Dear God,

I recently read in The Baltimore Sun that The Catholic League is trying to force Scholastic Books to censor all works by Philip Pullman, the author of The Golden Compass, which is about to be released as a movie. In reaction to this attempt at the suppression of ideas, a reader of the Baltimore Sun recently wrote,

“This is exactly the objection that Phillip Pullman expresses in his novels: The censorship of ideas and opinions that organized religion feels justified in perpetrating in the name of God. Has anyone bothered to ask God what He thinks ? Cos I thought we were here to excercise free will, and make choices… I like my choices to be informed ones. We all have that right.”

Well, God, what do you think of The Golden Compass?

- Armand

Armand,

It all reminds me of how the Catholic Church has attempted to suppress the ideas of Galileo. That didn’t work out too well for the church. They threatened Galileo with death, and put him under house arrest for the rest of his life, and yet, Galileo’s ideas have become so widely acknowledged that even the Catholic Church has had to admit that it, supposedly infallible, was wrong and Galileo was right.

My advice to Scholastic Books is that they encourage The Catholic League to go on ranting and raving. It’s making a lot of people want to go out and buy the book.

I really don’t understand what the fuss is all about. The Golden Compass is a work of fiction, just like the Bible.

I actually liked the book, The Golden Compass. It was entertaining and provocative. It’s too bad that The Catholic League didn’t ask me my opinion before going out and speaking in my name. The truth is that I don’t mind being criticized, when the criticism is intelligently done. Do you know how boring it is having everyone telling you what they think you want to hear all the time?

Let me make this clear: The Catholic League does not speak for me. Go out and get a copy of The Golden Compass to read over the weekend, and when the movie comes out in theatres in the second week of December, go to see it.

- God

Dear God,

My friend recently showed me a CD-Rom he bought for $16.95 from a company called The Interview With God. He showed me a brochure for the stuff that they have to sell, and it reads, “A remarkable number of e-mails and letters come from those that have expressed how God has touched them and personally spoken to them through The Interview With God.”

Does this stuff really come from an interview these people had with you? Did you actually talk to them?

- Belinda

Belinda,

No, I have never spoken to any of the people who work with that company, The Interview With God. They don’t know that, though.

What happened is that they got in touch with my publicist, who always likes to arrange more appointments for me than I can possibly manage to make, even with my supernatural powers. So, I did what I usually do when I am overbooked. I called a friend of mine, Stanley Pourlon.

Stan serves as my stand-in when I’m busy. He has a really great telephone voice, and the people who he speaks with really don’t know the difference, as they’ve never met me anyway.

So, the people from The Interview With God called up Stan in his office in Maryland, and did a phone interview with him, pretending that he was me. He just kind of made it up as he went along, and then when the questions started getting specific, he just waved the telephone in the air and said that signal was breaking up. Then, he hung up, and didn’t answer when they called back.

Apparently, the people at The Interview With God really liked what Stan had to say. After all, they’re now selling The Interview With God calendars and screensavers, and calendars, and greeting cards, and all sorts of other cheesy stuff.

What they really ought to call it though, is The Interview With Stan. I suppose their stuff wouldn’t sell as successfully with that new name. My lawyer says that I could sue them to force them to stop using my name without authorization, but I’m not the kind of person to file a lawsuit without a lot of really strong provocation.

- God

Dear God,

I like to think of myself as someone who is up to date on technology. I was an early user of the Internet, and I’ve been sending emails out for 15 years now.

That said, I’m stumped by StumbleUpon. I understand the concept of it, just fine. The user provides some keywords and categories, and then the StumbleUpon brings the user, randomly, to some site within that sphere.

I’m worried about the moral implications of it all. On the one hand, I can see the value of StumbleUpon as reviving the surprise of the early days of surfing the Internet just for the pleasure of it.

On the other hand, it seems very nihilist. It rejects order, and the idea of intentionality as an inherent structure in the universe. It is as if there is no longer to be any structure to being than that which is defined by the user.

That, in itself, seems to me to be a rejection of the value of God.

What’s your opinion?

- Edwin

Edwin,

Stumbling is actually an essential part of the divine art of prophecy. It was a gift from me to humanity that had been lost for centuries, until now.

Once, I required prophets to stumble around in the desert for weeks at a time until they stumbled upon ultimate truth. Now, thanks to StumbleUpon, people can achieve prophecy from the comfort of their own homes.

It’s part of a new line of spirituality products that I’m introducing, all incorporating the concept of convenience enlightenment. It’s been the assumption of religious preachers that enlightenment must be difficult. I’m willing to challenge that convention.

You wouldn’t want to make it more difficult than necessary for your kids to learn to read, would you? Well, that’s why I’m giving new learning shortcuts to people who want to understand what they need to do to reach a higher plane of existence. I promise that you can become one with everything in one week or less, or your money back.

Here’s an introductory offer of a clue: StumbleUpon is indeed random, and that’s how it will help you reach enlightenment. It’s no different in that respect from every other system of organizing scripture, including all the holy books that have ever been written.

It’s not for nothing that so many Christians flip to a random page of the Bible when they are seeking guidance. The Bible isn’t meant to be read cover to cover. It only makes sense when read in random order.

- God

Dear God,

Just a few days ago, there was a meeting of Christian bloggers at an event called GodBlogCon. Its mission was “Calling and equipping all Christians to engage culture through the new media.”

Why weren’t you there? You have the God blog of all God blogs. Of all the bloggers there are, surely you, God, are the most qualified to attend.

- Henry

Henry,

First of all, I’m not a Christian. Why would I be? I love my kids and all, but Jesus really went too far with this Christ stuff. He set off a cult of personality, and it got away from him. I know better.

Secondly, I don’t know what could be worse than a bunch of bloggers sitting around talking about blogging instead of blogging. They should have called it GodTalkNotBlogCon.

Put the emphasis on CON in GodBlogCon. None of them got my endorsement. They just assume that they talk for me. I’m here for real, telling you that they don’t speak for God. God speaks for God.

What does God have to say to the people who went to GodBlogCon? Only this: If you can’t create a universe, you don’t get to call yourself God, so knock it off.

- God

Dear God,

Some people say to me that if I want to relax and cut my stress, I should stop paying attention to politics so much. I say to them that it is my responsibility as a citizen to remain informed and active.

Who’s right? Should I pay less attention to politics?

- Bert

Bert,

My son once said, “Give unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s, and give unto God that which is God’s.”

To be honest, that’s just spin. I wrote that line for him when I was working as his campaign manager. Jesus wanted to be king. He didn’t much care what he would be king of by the time he signed me on as his manager. He started out in life bragging that he was going to be king of kings, but then he was caught wandering around lost in the desert after a late night of drinking, and he had to aim lower. So, he said he would be the king of Heaven. Of course, he’d have to wait a long time for me to give up that crown. So, he said he would just settle and become king of the Jews, and when that didn’t happen, he was very disappointed, and said he just wanted to be crucified. Those were sad last days for him, wandering around the streets of Jerusalem muttering that he was going to be the king of a new Israel after he died and came back, and then everybody would be sorry.

The whole “give unto Caesar” line was a great way to avoid the question that you’re asking now. I’ve had some time to think about it, though, so I’m going to give you a straight answer.

There are worse things in life than stress. Do you think I wasn’t stressed out when I created the Earth and all its inhabitants? Of course I felt some tension. I couldn’t stop from worrying about the snakes. I had the nagging sense that I was overdoing it by not giving them any legs at all. So, I kept a backup alternative model of the snake on the shelf - a snake with one leg. it wore shoes, or a single shoe, really.

One morning, I looked at that one-footed snake and I realized that it just didn’t work. I decided to be true to myself and stick with the snake with no legs. You should do the same thing with politics. If you want to pay attention to politics, I say that you should. It would be unwise to go against your essential nature. I have always been a big proponent of the philosophy that if something feels good, you should do it.

You never know where your interest in politics may lead. You may begin a career as a politician yourself, eventually. If you do, drop me a line. I still keep a toe in the political campaign business, and I may be able to help you out.

- God

Dear God,

My love life is practically nonexistent. Well, actually it is nonexistent. I read the web site Irregular Times every day. Is there a cause and effect correlation here and do I need to get a life?

- Iroquois

Iroquois,

You know, some people say that I’m nonexistent too. Yet, here you are, reading my words on the page.

I think that’s what you’re doing over at Irregular Times, really. You’re out there, reading the word of love, on the line. You just don’t recognize it as such.

Don’t think about cause and effect. Think more in terms of symbolic associations.

As I look into your mind, I see that you’re a love atheist. It’s staring you right in the face, everywhere that you go, but you don’t recognize it because you’re getting too literal.

I suggest that you stretch your love perceptors by engaging in some exercises in love faith. Try to see love, wherever you are… like in Sears.

I advise you to go to a Sears store tomorrow. If you don’t have a Sears, a Home Depot will do. Go around the store, looking at ordinary things, trying to see the love in them. Don’t stop wandering the aisles until you find the love. Maybe it’ll be in a washing machine. Maybe it will be in a U-bend.

If more than two hours goes by, and you still aren’t seeing the love, then you should go to a customer service counter and ask them, “Where do you keep the love?” Don’t stop asking this question until you get a specific answer. I guarantee you that you’ll meet lots of new people, and one of them just might have romantic possibilities.

Good luck.

- God

Dear God,

I’ve been writing a blog for a while now, and I’d like to spice it up a little bit. I’m wondering what advice you can give me about what to do.

- Darren

Darren,

You can do what I’m doing today. Add a cartoon video podcast to your blog.

I’ll be providing an animated cartoon video of myself to the blog every now and then from now on. Why? Because I’m God, that’s why. I’m omnipotent!

Today’s video is just a reintroduction of myself, for those who don’t know me.

- God

Dear God,

I have two children, ages 11 and 9. I’m wondering if they’re old enough to start watching horror movies like Nightmare on Elm Street or The Night of the Living Dead. What do you think the right age to start watching horror movies is?

- Elise

Elise,

I think that the right age to start watching horror movies is 52 years old. At that age, you’ve already been exposed to enough real horror that the Hollywood simulations of it make a nice background noise, kind of like NPR in the morning.

- God

Dear God,

All the time, I hear Christians asking themselves the rhetorical question: What would Jesus do?

Honestly, I don’t get their point. How would they know what Jesus would do, if he were alive two thousand years after he actually lived? Would Jesus choose Verizon or Cingular?

So, I thought I’d come to you for a straight answer. After all, if anyone knows what Jesus would do, it would be God, right?

So, God, what would Jesus do?

- Dave the Doubter

Dave,

Jesus would star in the title role in a documentary by James Cameron, The Lost Tomb of Christ. Look for the bones.

Other than that, Jesus wouldn’t do anything. He’s dead.

He could have been fertilizing crops by now, if he weren’t put in that dusty, useless crypt.

- God

Dear God,

Tonight, the History Channel is broadcasting a documentary, directed by Christopher Cassel, called The Dark Ages. The advertisement for this documentary describes the Dark Ages as “degenerate, godless, and inhuman”.

I can understand how the Dark Ages can be described as degenerate. But how an they be described as godless and inhuman?

It is well known that Christianity dominated almost all of Europe throughout the Dark Ages. And weren’t the people living in the Dark Ages human?

- Truman

Truman,

In spite of what you have heard, I was not part of the Dark Ages. I had a whole stockroom full of enough light bulbs to last me for thousands of years.

Furthermore, the people living in Europe during the Dark Ages were not human, at least not in the way that we think of being human. For the most part, they were a subspecies, now almost extinct, Homo illiterati.

- God