Dear God,

I recently read in The Baltimore Sun that The Catholic League is trying to force Scholastic Books to censor all works by Philip Pullman, the author of The Golden Compass, which is about to be released as a movie. In reaction to this attempt at the suppression of ideas, a reader of the Baltimore Sun recently wrote,

“This is exactly the objection that Phillip Pullman expresses in his novels: The censorship of ideas and opinions that organized religion feels justified in perpetrating in the name of God. Has anyone bothered to ask God what He thinks ? Cos I thought we were here to excercise free will, and make choices… I like my choices to be informed ones. We all have that right.”

Well, God, what do you think of The Golden Compass?

- Armand

Armand,

It all reminds me of how the Catholic Church has attempted to suppress the ideas of Galileo. That didn’t work out too well for the church. They threatened Galileo with death, and put him under house arrest for the rest of his life, and yet, Galileo’s ideas have become so widely acknowledged that even the Catholic Church has had to admit that it, supposedly infallible, was wrong and Galileo was right.

My advice to Scholastic Books is that they encourage The Catholic League to go on ranting and raving. It’s making a lot of people want to go out and buy the book.

I really don’t understand what the fuss is all about. The Golden Compass is a work of fiction, just like the Bible.

I actually liked the book, The Golden Compass. It was entertaining and provocative. It’s too bad that The Catholic League didn’t ask me my opinion before going out and speaking in my name. The truth is that I don’t mind being criticized, when the criticism is intelligently done. Do you know how boring it is having everyone telling you what they think you want to hear all the time?

Let me make this clear: The Catholic League does not speak for me. Go out and get a copy of The Golden Compass to read over the weekend, and when the movie comes out in theatres in the second week of December, go to see it.

- God

Dear God,

I am on an airplane after a long day of work, and am trying to get some sleep. However, the people behind me won’t stop talking to each other using very loud voices. For the past 20 minutes, they have been discussing whether Lima or Santiago is the capitol city of Chile.

I can’t stand it any more. How can I get them to be quiet?

- Marcos

Marcos,

You might try being enigmatic. Turn around quietly, point your finger to the ceiling, and then say, “Do you hear the sounds of the ghosts of all the children that I should have had? They sound very frustrated.”

Wait for an answer. Then, point to the ceiling one more time, and turn around without saying anything more.

- God

Dear God,

My faith has been shaken. I’ve been eating pretzels at the Auntie Anne’s pretzel shop at my local mall for years now. I love the way that they manage to make the pretzels taste bready and fatty and salty and sweet, all at the same time.

Well, I went there yesterday, and I enjoyed my pretzel so much that I asked to see Auntie Anne and thank her myself. That’s when the bottom dropped out of my world. The person at the cash register told me that there is no Auntie Anne.

I said, “That’s impossible! Look at the blue neon sign above you. It says ‘Auntie Anne’s’ This place is hers. It’s there in writing. It has to be true.”

The clerk refused to accept the logic of my argument. He just said to me, “Whatever is written up there, there is no Auntie Anne. Would you like to talk to the manager?”

Well, I talked to the manager, and she denied her personal relationship with Aunti Anne, who had created all the pretzels sitting there right in front of us.

“How can you manage one of Auntie Anne’s restaurants and not know Auntie Anne, or at least have her telephone number?” I asked.

“There is no Auntie Anne,” she said.

“Prove it to me,” I demanded. “Prove to me that Auntie Anne does not exist.”

“I can’t prove a negative,” said the manager, obviously clutching at straws. “I can’t prove that there is no Auntie Anne any more than I can prove to you that there is no invisible pretzel demon, standing behind you, waiting to lick your pretzel.”

This was too much for me to handle. At that moment, I realized what I was up against. I was dealing with a denier of Auntie Anne and a pretzel demon at the same time. I dropped my pretzel and ran away. I haven’t been back to Auntie Anne’s since.

I don’t know what to do. I need Auntie Anne, but I’m afraid to go back and face the licking pretzel demon. What should I do?

- Anita

Anita,

Clearly, what you need to do is to start lobbying Congress. Get the words “and Auntie Anne” inserted in the Pledge of Allegiance. Have the words “On Pretzels We Chew” printed on the dollar bill. Have school children bow their heads and eat a pretzel before class begins each day. Force your local school district to start teaching high school biology students that all living things are descended from pretzels.

Only then will Auntie Anne’s power become evident to you once more.

- God

Dear God,

Congressman Pete Stark recently revealed himself as the first openly nontheist member of Congress ever in American history. I don’t understand how this is possible.

As Christian leaders Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell and James Dobson keep on saying, the United States of America is a Christian nation that depends upon worship of God to remain in existence. Therefore, it should not be possible for a non-Christian to remain as a part of the government of the United States of America.

Why don’t you just smite Pete Stark down, God? What is taking you so long?

- Faith

Faith,

I tried to smite Congressman Stark down, but I couldn’t do it. You see, as a nontheist, Representative Stark doesn’t believe that I exist.

Wouldn’t you know it? It turns out that Pete Stark is right and I am wrong. I don’t exist. So, you see, I just don’t have the wherewithal to do anything about Mr. Start remaining in Congress.

Don’t worry, though. You can still worship me.

- God

Dear God,

I looking through medical research sites online today when I came across a place of unspeakable blasphemy.

A dentist, who is associated with the California Breath Clinics, has dared to insult the Bible with his own satirical version of the holy book. He calls it The Bad Breath Bible, obviously meaning to imply that you, God, have halitosis.

What can I do to help you bring these blasphemers to justice?

- Alexi

Alexi,

Stop brushing your teeth. That will show them.

As for bad breath, well, I admit that it’s true. I ate an advanced civilization on the planet Nuptar in the Andromeda Galaxy as a snack a few years ago, and I can’t seem to get it out from between my back teeth.

- God