Dear God,

I just saw that amazing video of that meteorite falling through the sky in Edmonton, up in Canada. In the old days, people used to say astronomical events like that were a message from God.

What kind of message is the Edmonton meteorite? Why do you need falling stars to speak to humanity?

- Horace

Horace,

I’m a bit embarrassed to admit it, but there was no message from me in that meteorite last week. I just dropped my car keys. I got a new Prius. Drives great.

- God

Dear God,

Sarah Palin has made it clear on many occasions that she believes that you, and not the voters of the United States of America, will decide who wins the election of 2008. Palin says that she supports you in disenfranchising the American voters. She says she just wants God’s will to be done.

So what is it, God? What is your will in the presidential election of 2008?

- Jules

Jules,

I’m a religious leader, and so I think it’s inappropriate for me to endorse any particular candidate for public office. However, I’ll come right out and state that it is not my will that Sarah Palin be elected as Vice President of the United States. Heck, I don’t even think she should be re-elected as Governor of Alaska.

Sarah Palin ought to know that there is a difference between her will and my will. She is not God. I am. I mean, our hair is nothing at all alike, and I don’t wear glasses!

So, on Election Day, my endorsement is for anyone but Sarah Palin and… oh, who is that other guy she’s running with? Well, what’s his name doesn’t have my support either.

You’ve heard the divine word straight from God now, so all you values voters out there know what you have to do.

That includes you, Sarah. Obey the will of God. Don’t vote for yourself.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused by an opinion poll commissioned by the TV show Religion and Ethics NewsWeekly. The poll finds that a majority of Americans believe that the United States of America has a special superior blessing from you, God. Yet, the same poll finds that an even higher majority of Americans believes that the United States often does more harm than good in the world.

That means that at least half of Americans believe that you, God, have blessed the USA to be the best nation on earth, and yet the USA messes up a lot of the time.

How is this possible?

- Everett

Everett,

Your puzzlement is caused by a fundamental misunderstanding. You believe that the blessing of God will lead people to make wise judgments in life. That’s an arrogant presumption. Wisdom is a quality of God, not of human being. The truly God-loving people of the earth have the integrity not to be wise.

Besides, how is anyone ever going to get to heaven without making lots of mistakes? You have to be forgiven to get to heaven, not right. I bless the United States with messing up a lot, so that Americans will have a lot more opportunities to ask me for forgiveness, and then go to heaven.

Don’t think about it Everett. Just trust me, and embrace the divinely-inspired mishaps of life.

-God

Dear God,

I just read that you are acquitted by judge Marlon Polk after Senator Ernie Chamber from Nebraska charged you with crimes against humanity, for terror, death and destruction. The Senator wanted an injunction to stop you from continuing such crimes.

The judge said that an address is necessary so that the person charged can be informed about the charge and receive the necessary papers.

Since he didn’t know to which address he could send you his papers, he just had to acquit you.

So I wonder, how do you feel about this? Are you relieved?

Or do you perhaps want to be so helpful as to inform the judge about your address?

- Jo

Jo,

I can say this now, since I’ve been acquitted, but that judge definitely knows where I live. He lied about that.

How do I know that the judge knows my mailing address? That’s simple. It was written on the check I wrote to him, when I bribed him to dismiss the case. My address is 5320 Mountain View Lane, Atlantic City, New Jersey, 50022.

The best part is the amount of money I wrote that check for when I bribed the judge: Twenty Jillion Dollars. Silly judge. Didn’t he know that there’s no such thing as a jillion?

- God

Last month, I responded to a reader’s question, asking whether or not I truly supported Sarah Palin’s plans for a natural gas pipleline in Alaska. Sarah Palin said that the fossil fuel pipeline was the will of God, but the truth is that I supported a maple syrup pipeline.

Actually, I didn’t tell the whole story. I did place my divine mandate on a gas pipeline - just not a natural gas pipeline. I told Sarah Palin I wanted a supernatural gas pipeline.

Supernatural gas is produced when I eat heavenly beans, rich in holy fiber. It’s a great source of energy.

Why did Sarah Palin oppose the building of a supernatural gas pipeline? Why did she ignore the will of God?

Maybe the supernatural gas idea is just a little too stinky. Do you think so?

- God

Dear God,

As Sarah Palin has shown us, you have a keen and specific interest in the political affairs of human beings. So, what is your divine opinion about the decision of a part of Georgia to secede and join Russia?

- Herman

Herman,

I may be omniscient, but I just don’t understand this idea, that part of Georgia would break away from its homeland and join Russia.

First of all, there’s the problem of geography. Do you know how far it is between Atlanta and Moscow? I put Georgia and Russia on the opposite ends of the Earth for a reason. The truth is that they just can’t get along. They’re like horse and sheep.

Then there’s the language problem. How many people in Georgia speak Russian? They don’t even speak proper English, if you ask me…

…hold on a minute…

Oh, wait. You meant South Ossetia? Oh.

Forget what I said before. Yes, it’s fine with me.

- God

Dear God,

Politicians aligned with big oil corporations are saying that we need to expand offshore drilling, even though gasoline prices have been going down significantly for weeks because of conservation. Offshore drilling, even at its peak, would only bring a fraction of this benefit, and that wouldn’t happen for years.

But politicians these days seem to think that everyone needs to ask God’s opinion before coming to a political decision, so I’m asking you, God: Should America expand offshore drilling?

- MacMillan

MacMillan,

I think that more offshore drilling is a great idea. People tend to get nervous when going to the dentist, and if they could be out on the water, with the sound of the waves lapping up against the side of a boat, with the warm sun on their faces, I think they would relax, and there would be a lot less pain when it comes time to get a root canal.

The trick is getting the boat out there. Boats burn up terrible amounts of gasoline - just one to five miles per gallon. So, my opinion is that there should be a nationwide ban on recreational motorboats. If people really want to get out onto the water, they can use sailboats and oars, as in days of old.

In my omniscient opinion, fossil fuels ought to be a thing of the past.

- God

Dear God,

A lot of people are saying that Eliot Spitzer did the wrong thing by paying a prostitute over four thousand dollars for a sexual encounter. A lot of people say that what Mr. Spitzer did was against God’s laws.

Well, God, is it true? Is what Eliot Spitzer did against your moral laws?

- Marvin

Marvin,

Consider the advice I gave to Hosea, which was written down in the following story:

“Said the LORD unto me, go yet, love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress, according to the love of the LORD toward the children of Israel, who look to other gods, and love flagons of wine, so I bought her to me for fifteen pieces of silver, and for a homer of barley, and a half homer of barley, and I said unto her, Thou shalt abide for me many days.”

You see, prostitution itself is clearly not against my moral laws. I told Hosea to go and buy a woman, and he did so, and that was fine with me.

My problem with Eliot Spitzer is that he had no sense of proportion. He did the wrong thing because he wasted money on that prostitute of his. I clearly set the holy price for a prostitute: Pay 15 pieces of silver, and a homer and a half of barley, and not a homer of barley more - and that’s for “many days,” not just a one-time encounter.

Eliot Spitzer couldn’t keep his homers to himself, and now look what’s happened to him. If he had just gone and hired a cheap hooker, he never would have gotten in trouble. The IRS never investigates an ATM withdrawal of 100 dollars.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused. I’m watching the debate in the Senate today about the FISA Amendments Act, which would make permanent the Protect America Act, which allows the Executive Branch of the federal government to conduct massive electronic spying operations against innocent Americans without any search warrant, any judicial review, or any meaningful congressional oversight.

The FISA Amendments Act also allow the government to access private customer information and accounts held by any corporation.

The FISA Amendments Act amounts to a coup d’etat by the Executive Branch against the Legislative and Judicial branches, and against the Constitution.

But, it occurs to me, as I watch this debate, that if you are really real, God, then this whole government spying thing ought to be completely unnecessary.

I mean, it’s totally weird that Christian leaders in government are asking for such extensive electronic espionage powers. If they really believe in you, God, why do they need spies and electronic spying networks?

If they’re worried about terrorists, or other threats, why don’t they just use the power of prayer? Really. Why don’t they just pray on it, if they’re really Christian believers?

Why don’t they just say, “God, please tell me if there is any terrorist group who is going to attack the United States this week.” Then, you could respond to the prayer, and tell the President and his Cabinet if there’s any violent fanatic they need to worry about.

It’s almost as if the President and all his top advisors don’t actually believe in the power of prayer, and just say that they do to earn political points by adopting a pious posture.

Am I wrong?

- Diane

Diane,

Yes, you certainly are wrong. Very, very wrong.

You know how all the dinosaur fossils were created by Satan just to tempt sinful scientists into believing in evolution? Well, this situation is the same.

Satan has created the appearance of a logical gap in the White House’s call for massive new spying powers, in order to tempt you into not being a Republican.

What you must do is just ignore the logical gap in the White House’s policies, and believe with all your heart that everything that George W. Bush asks for is honest and good. That’s the only way to avoid Satan’s trap.

Let the government spy on you, or you will go to Hell.

- God

Dear God,

This morning I found a video of Mike Huckabee in which he declares that he wants to change the Constitution of the United States of America so that it will be in compliance with the ancient laws of God. So that there can be no confusion on the matter, here are the actual words that came out of his mouth: “I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution, but I believe it’s a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the Living God, and that’s what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it’s in God’s standards rather than try to change God’s standards so it lines up with some contemporary view of how we treat each other and how we treat the family.”

As a Christian, I’m inclined to trust Huckabee. After all, as Huckabee himself points out, he is a Christian leader.

I thought, though, that it would be best to come to the source, so that Mike Huckabee can understand directly from you, God, how to change the Constitution. So, God, what changes do you want to see in the Constitution of the United States of America?

- Ruben

Ruben,

First of all, the poodles have to go. If you think about the way that we treat the family, as Mike Huckabee says, it becomes clear that poodles, and their array of groomers, glittery dog collars, and garnet-encrusted water dishes, have been coddled in an intolerable way. So, I’d like to see a constitutional amendment banning poodles, above all other issues.

Next, iPod earbuds must be made illegal. They make people deaf, and how can people hear the Word of God if they’re deaf? Well, they could come to this blog, I suppose, but my hands do get tired of typing. Even God can get carpal tunnel syndrome.

My third priority would be to create a constitutional amendment that would mandate the wearing of blue and white striped jackets by all men over the age of 22 when they are visiting the beach. I thought that the beach fashions of the 1800s were a great deal more stylish than they are now, and I think that the jacket amendment would go a long way toward restoring penache at the seaside.

Of course, there are many other constitutional amendments that I would like to see get passed. However, these are my top three, and I see that Mike Huckabee supports none of these amendments. Therefore, Mike Huckabee’s presidential campaign is running against the will of God, and I cannot give him my endorsement.

- God

Dear God,

The Iowa caucuses, the first elections in the 2008 presidential election season in the USA, are happening tomorrow. Who do you endorse, on the Democratic and Republican sides?

- Herman

Herman,

It wouldn’t make much sense if I endorsed both a Republican and a Democrat, would it? That would be rather like me deciding to color a daffodil both yellow and blue, wouldn’t it? I make choices, and I have chosen that daffodils shall be yellow. None of this namby pambying about blue, thank you very much.

It is rather presumptuous of you to presume that I would endorse either a Republican or a Democrat. Perhaps my candidate comes from somewhere else, outside of the two party system.

For all you know, I might endorse Katie Couric for President, running as a candidate for the CBS Party… or is it the NBC Party? I can never keep it straight. I don’t watch morning television. Well, I don’t endorse Katie Couric for President, but the point is that I could. I could endorse a piece of stone for President of the United States, if I wanted to.

The fact is that none of the front runners are pleasing to me. I do not endorse Mike Huckabee or Mitt Romney. I do not endorse Hillary Clinton or John Edwards or Barack Obama either. They’ve all become far too chummy with their images on the television screen. It is as if they are having a conversation with the American people while standing in front of a mirror, and they can’t help but keep looking at themselves, thinking how good they look.

I have decided to endorse one presidential candidate for the Iowa caucuses, but I have also decided to tell no one but Edward McFinstey about who I endorse. Edward McFinstey is a man who lives in the outskirts of Ottumwa, and he’s not registered to vote, and he doesn’t like to talk to anyone. Furthermore, he’s forgetful, so I don’t think you’ll get the truth out of him.

I may reveal my endorsement to you, but be patient. Did I tell you when I would invent the Internet before I did it? No, I did not. I may only tell you one hundred years from now who I endorse as a presidential candidate for the 2008 elections in the USA.

Furthermore, I may not endorse the same candidate for the New Hampshire primary as I do for the Iowa caucuses. Paul Reubens is an overlooked choice, I think - not that I’m committed to a Reubenesque White House at this point.

Vote your own way, and leave my speculations to me.

- God

Dear God,

Senator and presidential candidate Chris Dodd took to the floor of the United States Senate and defended Americans from a big government electronic spying program to read their email and listen to their telephone calls.

In spite of that, Dodd is only running at about one percent in the polls, and can’t seem to get many news organizations to pay attention to his campaign.

Britney’s little sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, on the other hand, gets pregnant at the age of 16, and she’s the top story of the day.

It doesn’t seem fair. What can Chris Dodd do to get more attention for his campaign?

- Don

Don,

I’d say that Chris Dodd would have to get pregnant himself, if he wanted to get the attention of the American voting public.

- God