Dear God,

I’m confused. Who are God’s chosen people? It seems that almost every ethnic group has some kind of belief that it is the special, divinely chosen, and authentic.

So, which group is it? Who are God’s chosen people?

- Dan

Dan,

Spinosaurus aegyptiacus. They were my chosen people.

Never heard of Spinosaurus aegyptiacus? That’s because they’re extinct.

They were the biggest meat eaters ever to walk the land on planet Earth, huge dinosaurs 55 feet long. They were bigger than Tyrannosaurus Rex.

A few of them were left, still living in peace in Egypt a few thousand years ago, until they were enslaved. Moses was the last of the Spinosaurus aegyptiacus people, and he had to flee after he ate the high priest in the temple of Isis, to die in the desert.

The Jews played a trick on the rulers of Egypt by saying that they were dinosaurs too, and would eat the Pharaoh and his family. That’s why the Pharaoh let the Jews go. Locusts had nothing to do with it.

- God

Dear God,

What was the prophet Malachi writing about when he warned the nation of Israel, “Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it.”

- Agatha

Agatha,

This text is commonly misunderstood as a rebuke to the nation of Israel. That’s not at all the case. I had instructed the prophet Malachi to reward the nation of Israel with a rollocking drunken sex orgy.

Just take a look at the text. You have to understand, this was around the time of the Roman Empire, when the world really knew how to have a good time. I was the life of the party myself every now and then, I can tell you. You know what we used to say about the prophet Malachi? We used to say that if you could remember being around the prophet Malachi, that was a sign you had never really been around the prophet Malachi. Know what I mean?

The text you cite refers to one day when I sent Malachi to some of the high priests of the nation of Israel, and told them to get ready for a really big party. The whole corrupting of seed, well, that was all about this certain sexual position we used to have back then. You got down on all fours, and raised one knee as high as you could, and then the woman comes in from behind, you see. We called that position The Corrupt Seed. It was sort of the Tantric Sex of Judea.

As for the rest, well, I was just telling the priests that they were all really going to get shit-faced at the party, and so they might want to cancel their appointments for the next day.

Let me tell you, at that party, we certainly did get taken away with it. Why do you think they called me the Lord of Hosts? I really knew how to make my guests feel welcome, wink wink.

- God

Dear God,

Back in 1914, William Irvine revealed himself as a prophet of yours. Then he told his followers that God had told him that the world would end in August of that year. Obviously, that didn’t happen.

I’ve been approached by a descendent of one of Irvine’s original group of followers. Apparently, the group is still around, and is still waiting for the end of the world. They’re called the No Name Church, or the 2×2s.

I was asked to join, but I don’t get it. If William Irvine was so obviously wrong in 1914, how can the group continue to follow any of his teachings?

On the other hand, how could a prophet of God possibly be wrong?

- Wayne

Wayne,

William Irvine wasn’t wrong, that’s the reason. The world did end in August 1914, but just for 17 minutes. During that time, all of the prophecies of the Book of Revelations were fulfilled, in a kind of interdimensional warped space-time. Then, I restarted the world, right where it left off.

This kind of temporary end of the world is necessary when certain systems stop working. It resets things, like shutting down a computer. I plan another apocalyse for 6 minutes next year, because of some problems I’m having with honeybees. Don’t worry, I always back up my files.

- God

Dear God,

Tonight, the History Channel is broadcasting a documentary, directed by Christopher Cassel, called The Dark Ages. The advertisement for this documentary describes the Dark Ages as “degenerate, godless, and inhuman”.

I can understand how the Dark Ages can be described as degenerate. But how an they be described as godless and inhuman?

It is well known that Christianity dominated almost all of Europe throughout the Dark Ages. And weren’t the people living in the Dark Ages human?

- Truman

Truman,

In spite of what you have heard, I was not part of the Dark Ages. I had a whole stockroom full of enough light bulbs to last me for thousands of years.

Furthermore, the people living in Europe during the Dark Ages were not human, at least not in the way that we think of being human. For the most part, they were a subspecies, now almost extinct, Homo illiterati.

- God

Dear God,

Recently, there have been claims made by Director James Cameron, who has produced a documentary called The Lost Tomb of Christ, that the real tomb of Jesus has been found, and that it contains the bones not only of Jesus, but also of Mary Magdelene, who was apparently brought into the family by marriage to Jesus.

I was taught that Jesus was lifted up into heaven after he was resurrected. If that’s true, how could his bones still be in a tomb in Jerusalem?

Which story should I believe?

- Stewart

Stewart,

Believe neither story, at least not the way that they’re told.

Jesus did indeed ascend to heaven, as ashes rising from a fire. Jesus was cremated after he died.

However, his bones did survive the cremation, because the crematoriums in Jerusalem that year didn’t have much firewood to spare because of an unusual cold snap. They had just enough heat to make the flesh into charcoal.

The bones that James Cameron says belonged to Jesus actually belonged to a man named Lars, an early Buddhist pilgrim from Sweden who was just passing through Jerusalem on his way to India when he got a bad stomach bug and died.

The actual bones of Jesus were given to a tradesman to be carved into beads. Some of those beads were added to a set of necklaces. Others were used in a beaded curtain for the booth of a travelling fortune teller who ended up getting lost in the sands of the Sinai Pennisula.

Look for them there, if you want to find Jesus.

You need not fear, however, that Jesus was lost forever. Jesus was indeed reborn, as the son of a shaman in northern Mongolia.

From there, when the reborn Jesus became an old man, I had him officially ascend into heaven, on the back of a reindeer during a winter solstice festival. Your culture now knows this incarnation of Jesus as Santa Claus.

Now do you understand why the story of Santa Claus is always told at Christmas time? Jesus returns to Earth every Christmas Eve, dressed in red and white, giving toys to all the good girls and boys, and drinking Coca-Cola.

- God

Dear God,

Senator Joseph Biden has declared his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President in 2008. I’m wondering, though, how Senator Biden thinks that he can win the Democratic nomination, much less the general election, given that Biden supported George W. Bush’s decision to start the war in Iraq.

If you were working for the Biden for President campaign, what would you do to compensate for this dramatic failure in judgment?

- Polly

Polly,

I would advise Senator Biden to do exactly what he has done in his campaign so far: Pretend that he never supported Bush or the Iraq War.

I am well aware that Joe Biden helped Bush start the Iraq War back in 2002 and 2003. I have a better memory than most people, however. Many Americans assume that, because Biden is a Democrat, he opposed the war and tried to stop Bush.

Many Americans also don’t know that two of Biden’s Democratic opponents in the 2008 presidential campaign, Barack Obama and Dennis Kucinich, had the wisdom to oppose the Iraq War from the start. So, if I were on Biden’s campaign staff, I would advise him to make more statements like the one he made in January, 2007, completely ignoring the early insight of Obama and Kucinich on the Iraq War. Biden derided these opponents, pretending that they had not said anything on the Iraq War until recently, commenting, “You didn’t hear any one of them get in this debate at all until they announced for President.”

You and I may know that candidates Obama and Kucinich had developed better Iraq policies than Biden years ago. Then again, I’m not registered to vote, and most Americans who are registered to vote don’t know as much about the Iraq War as you do.

It’s a sad thing to say, but Senator Biden can probably count on the ignorance of American voters.

- God

Dear God,

I have to have my American History term paper done by Monday morning, but I still can’t figure out what my topic should be. My teacher says that we get extra points for originality. What do you think I should write about?

- Billy

Billy,

What a lot of students of American history don’t realize is that, as omnipresent God, I been looking over the shoulder of everybody who has ever written a term paper. So, I’ve read a lot of term papers for American history classes in my time, but there’s one term paper I have never seen written: Andrew Jackson: Secret Philatelist

He subjugated the Indians. He outraged the upper classes. He championed States’ Rights. Yet, there was another side of Andrew Jackson we never knew: Secretly, Andrew Jackson loved collecting stamps.

His father called him a “sissy boy” when he found out, and gave Young Hickory the wildest whipping of his life. “No son of mine will keep a stamp collection!” Mr. Jackson roared. But Andrew vowed that one day, he would have the greatest stamp collection in the world! It was a decision that led him to adventure, fame, and culminated in the campaign to run the British out of New Orleans. No one ever knew that it was all for the stamps.

You have your assignment. Now, write!

- God

Dear God,

Was the Stone Age before Adam or between Adam and Noah?

- The Atheist Jew

Atheist Jew,

The answer is clear: The Stone Age was before Adam.

I can only presume that you’re talking about Adam Sandler, given that he’s the most famous Adam currently on the scene. Just think about it, will you? How could all of Adam Sandler’s films and Saturday Night Live skits have been created with Stone Age technology? If you know how to create a photographic print and broadcast it electronically to millions of homes using flints, wooden shafts, and basket woven with reeds, please tell me.

The Stone Age was also before NOAH, the National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation. They didn’t have nations back in the Stone Age. They just wandered around through big pieces of territory, hunting, gathering and talking about stones a lot. So, back then, there was just OAH, the Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation. There weren’t many people around back then, though, so the membership at any one time never got above seven.

I really wish you’d think these things through. It doesn’t take a divine mind to answer this kind of question, if you just put your thinking cap on first. You do have a thinking cap, I hope. If not, pray for one. Just remember that sometimes, my answer to a prayer is “no.”

- God

Dear God,

I recently looked at a web site where the writer suggests that Communist leader Lenin and Jesus are pretty much the same. The writer says that both of them were anti-family, anti-money, anti-private property revolutionaries.

Surely I’m missing something. Jesus was the first Christian. Lenin was an international Communist leader. How can the two be the same?

Help me out with this, God. How are Jesus and Lenin different?

- Comrade Carl

Carl,

The answer is obvious. As everyone knows, Jesus was not bald, and he had a longer beard than Lenin.

That’s the superficial difference, of course. More important is the fact that Lenin wore pants. Jesus did not wear pants.

Also, Jesus never rode on a train.

I hope that clears things up for you.

- God