Dear God,

On this, the eve of Thanksgiving, I want to express to you how thankful I am to you for everything.

I am thankful to you for power saws and cracked windows and hoarfrost and potato bugs and lint and sea gulls and potholes and static electricity and hot air balloons and the number pi. You, who have created all these things and more than a limited, unworthy being such as myself, are to be congratulated, but what can I do to show gratitude to you?

You are strong and we are weak. How can we poor, humble humans best show thanks to you, in all your heavenly majesty?

- Kirstee

Kirstee,

The first thing you can do to demonstrate your gratitude is to knock it off with the obsequious bowing and scraping. It irritates me.

The second thing you can do to show thanks to me is to sell everything you have in order to buy as many sequins and as much glue as you can. Then, carry the sequins and glue on your back as you climb Mount Everest. When you reach the top, start gluing the sequins, one by one, to the exposed rocks you find there. Then, when you’re done, return home, earn some more money and do it all over again.

I would really appreciate that kind of gesture.

You asked.

- God

Dear God,

I recently read that Kenneth R. Willard is the only candidate running to become the new President of the National Association of State Boards of Education. Willard gained notoriety for supporting efforts to force Kansas teachers to teach students Christian theology about the creation of the Earth in high school biology classes.

Apparently, Willard’s only opponent withdrew after getting severe health problems. I don’t understand how you could allow this to take place. Why didn’t you perform a miracle and bolster the health of Willard’s opponent?

- Fern

Fern,

You’re obviously one of those liberal types who think that I sit on a cloud and sing kumbaya all day long. The reason I did not miraculously cure the sickness of Kenneth Willard’s opponent is that it would have been counterproductive.

You see, I did perform a miracle. I am the one who made the opponent of Kenneth Willard sick in the first place. It was a case of divine justice. I knock off anyone who stands in the way of those who seek to promote my worship, and flatter me with praise.

This should come as no surprise to you. The Bible is full of examples of me assassinating my opponents. I smite people all the time in scripture.

So, you have to a decision. Either you believe scripture, and conclude that I am God the Smiter, and have ordained Kenneth Willard as President of the National Association of State School Boards, or decide that you don’t really believe in scripture after all.

The choice is yours, but beware. If you make the second choice, I just might smite you.

- God

Dear God,

Back in 1914, William Irvine revealed himself as a prophet of yours. Then he told his followers that God had told him that the world would end in August of that year. Obviously, that didn’t happen.

I’ve been approached by a descendent of one of Irvine’s original group of followers. Apparently, the group is still around, and is still waiting for the end of the world. They’re called the No Name Church, or the 2×2s.

I was asked to join, but I don’t get it. If William Irvine was so obviously wrong in 1914, how can the group continue to follow any of his teachings?

On the other hand, how could a prophet of God possibly be wrong?

- Wayne

Wayne,

William Irvine wasn’t wrong, that’s the reason. The world did end in August 1914, but just for 17 minutes. During that time, all of the prophecies of the Book of Revelations were fulfilled, in a kind of interdimensional warped space-time. Then, I restarted the world, right where it left off.

This kind of temporary end of the world is necessary when certain systems stop working. It resets things, like shutting down a computer. I plan another apocalyse for 6 minutes next year, because of some problems I’m having with honeybees. Don’t worry, I always back up my files.

- God

Dear God,

I see in the news today that George W. Bush has prayed for peace at a church in Texas.

Well, gosh, I was taught to believe in the power of prayer. So, if George W. Bush prayed for peace, how come there isn’t peace?

- Bruce

Bruce,

Sometimes, when people pray, I say no. I say no when I can see that what they’re praying for is clearly not what they want.

George W. Bush is praying for peace, but he is continuing to fight a war. Why would I give Bush peace, when he clearly wants war?

- God

Dear God,

I read recently in the Washington D.C. insider newsletter The Hill that Senator Hillary Clinton has hired Burns Strider to be a special liaison to religious power brokers to encourage priests and ministers to support her campaign for President. Here’s what The Hill had to say:

“Observers of Clinton’s expressions of faith say religion has always been important to her, that she attended prayer group meetings while first lady, and that she joined a Senate prayer group shortly after winning election in 2000. Reporters anticipating Clinton’s ’08 presidential run wrongly discount her expressions of faith as cynical political maneuverings, the observers add.”

Well, Hlllary Clinton seems like she’s willing to suck up to you to get your support. So, God, are you ready to give your official endorsement to Hillary Clinton for President?

- Maude

Maude,

I see all. I know all. The truth is that Hillary Clinton is, like Elizabeth Kucinich, a believer in New Age shamanistic pseudo Hinduism. This Christian prayer meeting stuff is just for show.

I haven’t endorsed anyone for President in 2008, Maude. When I do, I’ll let you know by sending a rainbow-colored polar bear running down Wall Street in July, okay? That’s my secret godly signal to you of when I’ve made an endorsement. Until then, I’m making a placeholder endorsement of Scooby-Doo for President in 2008, because he’s at least honest about being a cartoon dog, instead of all these presidential candidates going through this pathetic cartoon dog show of pretending that they’re all Jesus freaks and love to lick my divine boots the most.

Keep in mind that I’m not registered to vote.

- God

Dear God,

Did the Grinch really steal Christmas?

- Penny

Penny,

No, the Grinch did not steal Christmas. He protested Christmas by refusing to participate in the mandatory Christmas rituals created and administered by the Whoville Council of Ayatollahs. The Whoville Times, which only publishes aritcles approved by the Whoville Ayatollahs, fabricated the story of the Grinch stealing all the presents and decorations and food from every house in the town of Whoville.

Think critically about it for a second: How would it be possible that one person sneak into all the houses in a town and steal all of their holiday paraphernalia, and do it in only one night? The truth is that it never happened. The Grinch didn’t do it. None of the Whos down in Whoville were missing any of their Christmas gear on Christmas morning, but each Who believed that the gigantic theft had taken place, and that their house was the only one that was spared.

All the Grinch did was sit up in his cave and refuse to come down into Whoville to participate in the Christmas ritual of singing Yahoo Doray Daboo Doray. No one understands the words to that song anyway.

For his refusal to participate, all the Whos down in Whovillegot up in arms and declared that the Grinch was clearly waging a war against Christmas. One person even declared that the Grinch had come down to one of the big stores down in Whoville, and, when greeted with a Merry Christmas, said Happy Holidays in response. That’s a serious crime in Whoville.

They put the Grinch in Who Prison for ten years, withChristmas carols broadcast into his cell 24 hours per day. The Grinch finally got out of prison five years ago and escaped to live in exile in Whatburg, across the mountains.

After this all went down, the Whos commissioned Dr. Seuss to write his anti-Grinch polemic. Don’t believe that book. The Grinch did not steal Christmas.

Apparently, the Grinch is presently working on his own version of events, which will soon be published in a book to be entitled, I, Grinch

- God

Dear God,

I was looking at the campaign finance database of the Federal Elections Commissions the other day, and see that a fellow from central Virginia named Dewey Broughman is running for the Republican nomination for President in 2008. I’ve never heard of Dewey Broughman before, and he doesn’t seem to have a lot of money to work with in order to support his presidential campaign. He doesn’t have a campaign web site, either. Why is he running for President, anyway?

- Vivianne

Vivianne,

Dewey Broughman is a latter day prophet of mine, in the tradition of Job. I made a bet with Rahm Emanuel of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, you see. I said that a devoted follower of mine would comply with a calling from me to run for President no matter what the odds and no matter how overwhelming the evidence that he could not possibly win. Rahm Emanuel said that such a follower would quickly observe the lack of political party resources, and withdraw from the campaign. What’s at stake: If I’m right, then Rahm Emanuel will have to give up his position as leader of the DCCC and donate all his money to the Progressive Democrats of America. If Emanuel is right, on the other hand, I will have to start endorsing Democratic candidates for public office instead of Republicans.

To get the bet rolling, I spoke to Dewey Broughman. I gave him the official calling to run for President of the United States, challenging the likes of John McCain, George Pataki and Mitt Romney for the Republican nomination. So far, I’m winning. Dewey Broughman is a true believer, and has not indicated any interest in dropping out of the race, even though it seems that he does not have a chance. Of course, we have nearly two years still before election day.

Stay tuned.

- God

Dear God,

How does getting Yourself killed help You forgive people for stuff they didn’t do?

- Joe

Joe,

What you have to understand is that when that whole crucifixion thing happened, Jesus was kind of going through an acting out stage in his life. Any father will know what I’m talking about. Kids get self-obsessed, and desperate for attention, and sometimes they even think that if they just commit suicide, that everyone will love them and finally understand their pain.

The trouble with Jesus is that it actually took place. Let’s be frank about this: Jesus had a martyr complex. He really thought that he held all the bad actions of all humanity ever on his shoulders, and if he could just pay for it all, then everything would turn out all right in the end.

Look around you, and ask yourself: Did everything turn out all right in the end? No. These people who call Jesus the savior of the Earth are missing the obvious fact that the Earth has not been saved. Funny that.

As Jesus’s father, it really bugs me that people glorify what was really a twisted suicide pact that he and Pontius Pilate cooked up. It’s time to stop rewarding this kind of negative behavior.

Just ignore Jesus. He wanted the attention, and that’s why he misbehaved and threw away a perfectly good career in faith healing tent show revivals.

As for forgiveness for ancient sins, honestly, I lost track of all that a long time ago. I may be omniscient, but that doesn’t mean I don’t mislay a moral ledger every now and then. I honestly couldn’t care less about that whole apple from the forbidden tree thing. I’m over it, so why can’t people just let it drop?

- God

Dear God,

A few days ago, a reader of yours asked a question about the Interlaken Reformed Church in Interlaken, New York. I was wondering what the church in Interlaken did that caused it to need reform. Was it a Ted Haggard evangelical sort of thing, with church leaders hiring prostitutes and buying methamphetamines? Did the church leaders have to go to reform school, perhaps?

- Clarice

Clarice,

No, the leaders of the Interlaken Reformed Church were not required to go to reform school. Neither was there any sex scandal, or allegation of the purchase of illegal drugs by church leaders.

Rather, the original theological teachings of the Interlaken Church forbade the running of footraces through the surrounding countryside. The church leaders taught that races of this sort were the work of Satan.

The problem was that the Interlaken Church wasn’t bringing in much money, because it was missing out on the vital local enthusiasm for running over hill and dale. The rummage sales and pancake breakfasts weren’t bringing in the crowds that they used to.

So, one day, a church elder stood up from the pews and declared that he believed that there was no Biblical scripture on running footraces, and that the Interlaken Church’s teaching on the sinfulness of steeple chases was based on false prophecy from Satan himself.

There was quite a tumult that day, I can tell you, and the rumors are that more than one flower pot was broken. The result was, however, that by the next Sunday, the Interlaken Church decided to reform itself from its past Satanic anti-footrace past. Thereafter, the church was known as the Interlaken Reformed Church.

- God

Dear God,

I’m confused. Senator Joseph Lieberman has been one of your most loyal servants in the American government. Lieberman has worked to make sure that Americans have “freedom of religion, not freedom from religion.” He’s supported George W. Bush’s faith-based intiatives to mix religion into government services. He’s gotten righteously preachy about video games for you.

But now, now God, you’ve let Joseph Lieberman lose to Ned Lamont. Why?

- Miffed Melissa

Melissa,

Haven’t you noticed that this is my M.O.? I really like to make my supporters suffer. There was Jesus, for example, whom I got up on a crucifix, and then forsake. I literally left him hanging. Moses, I led around in the desert after taking him away from his cushy job. Speaking of job, Job, I messed around with him something rotten.

People like to say “God is love”. I say that those people don’t know Jack. Have they talked to me? If you follow me, I’m going to make you suffer. I am like a cosmic bad boyfriend. Lieberman’s just the latest to get screwed.

Sorry, I know I’m supposed to offer you sentiments that would fit on a postcard showing a shaft of light coming through the clouds, but that’s just a fantasy. We’re talking reality here. My followers all end up in the gutter, eventually.

- God

Dear God,

I have begun to hear a great deal about Vissarion of Siberia, a prophet who has arisen from southern Siberia to great prominence over the last decade. His followers say that Vissarion is a new incarnation of Jesus. Is this true, or is Vissarion a false prophet?

- Vassily

Vassily,

Vissarion is neither a false prophet nor a new incarnation of Jesus. He is a genetic clone of Jesus, created through a combination of embryonic stem cell research and in vitro fertilization made possible through my program of prolific condom use throughout the ancient Roman empire.

Vissarion, as you will note, is a combination of the words caesarean and vasectomy. Thus, Vissarion represents the union of fertility and sterility through artificial means. His role here on Earth is to proclaim the need to talk to your doctor about erectile disfunction, and whether Vissarion may be right for you. Vissarion may cause headaches, loss of sexual appetite, elbow rashes, compulsive gambling, liver failure, and constipation.

- God

Dear God,

Did you read those cartoons of the prophet Mohammed in that Danish newspaper, and if so, were you offended by them?

- Ahmad

Ahmad,

Yes, I did read those cartoons. I’m God. I see all. I know all. I read all. I have all of the Beetle Bailey comic strip memorized, and that’s a lot of Miss Buxley, I can tell you.

Yes, I was offended by the cartoons, and I’ll tell you why. Prophet Mohammed gets all the attention. What about me? Why aren’t there any cartoons about me? What do I have to do to get someone to draw my portrait.

I’d take a caricature. I just want some attention. I’m tired of being represented as a shaft of light coming through the clouds. I want to get some exposure, some face time. You know what I mean?

- God