Dear God,

I simply had to get the latest hat by designer Philip Treacy. It’s features a black and red disc, with three red rose replicas off to the side. It’s gorgeous, and I got it for a steal at just 595 pounds.

The trouble is that I can’t figure out what to wear with it? What kind of outfit goes best with this hat?

- Gillian

Gillian,

A check to Oxfam for 595 pounds would go great with that hat. Oxfam is a great outfit.

- God

Dear God,

Climate change may have delayed the onset of winter this year, but it is finally here. I just moved up to Helena, Montana, where the winters are brutally cold.

My problem is that I don’t have a hat. All I have is a golf visor, and that doesn’t keep me very warm.

So, I thought I would ask you, given that you’re omniscient, what kind of hat I ought to get. Which hat will keep me the most warm through the winter?

- Julianne

Julianne,

You’re asking the wrong question. The question you’re asking yourself is “Why should I have a hat?”

Go pick up a copy of the King James Bible. Look for the word “hat”. You won’t find it.

Do you know why hats are never mentioned in the Bible? It’s because I hate them. Hats are an abomination to me.

Why do you want to offend me by wearing a hat? Is it because you want to feel comfortable? You ought to remember the teaching of Pope John Paul II, who showed us all that unnecessary suffering is the best way to get close to God.

So what if your ears are cold? If your ears offend you, let them fall off. If I wanted you to have ears, I wouldn’t have invented frostbite.

- God

Dear God,

Two weeks ago, I took in a stray cat, and gave her everything that she needed. I gave her medical care, and as much food and water as she wanted to eat or drink. I haven’t seen her since Friday. God, I think that something may have gotten her, perhaps a fox or coyote. I ask, God, that you put a circle of protection around her.

How can I find my cat again?

- Callie

Callie,

I’m a little confused about this. If the cat has been eaten by a fox or a coyote, why do you want me to put a circle of protection around her? Are you concerned about the digestive health of the animal that ate her? That’s very compassionate.

Some people, who don’t understand the ways of me, the Heavenly Father, say that if you want to find your cat, you should pray on it. That’s not really how I work.

What you should do is knit on it. Have you ever heard about the power of knitting? It’s like the power of prayer, but stronger, especially if you use small needles and natural fiber.

A lot of people have trouble with the idea that they can find something just by knitting, but if you think about it, it’s really not that much harder to believe than the idea that you can find something by praying about it. I mean, sure, it sounds kind of silly to sit at home and make a sweater, or a nice scarf, or a pair of socks, when the cat you’re looking for is somewhere outside, but sitting at home and talking into the air about what you want isn’t so much less silly, is it?

If you have faith in me, knit on it. Of course, sometimes the answer to a knitting is no.

If that’s not good enough for you, and you want to go out and try to find your cat on your own, then I suggest that look for fox or coyote droppings with little bits of cat hair in them. Just a hint.

Best of luck!

- God

Dear God,

I can’t believe you’re giving advice on bellbottoms! After that whole “creafting” phase you went through where you cut off those Grateful Dead vintage bellbottoms to make your emergency rain gear pop up denim hats. Come on, man! Bell bottoms only look good in old Beatles videos or on Elton John. And I mean 1976 Elton, not “just float me over to the deli counter” Elton.

- Christopher

Christopher,

What a person chooses to believe about me is his own business. Are you really saying that I, God, the creator and all-knowing ruler of the universe, am not qualified to give advice on bellbottoms? What else do I have to do to impress you - destroy the universe as well as create it? Would it be sufficient for me merely to destroy the icons of fashion?

Alas, I am not in the mood for destruction at this moment. Let me, instead of tearing down, re-establish a foundation for fashion within your mind.

Bellbottoms, it just so happens, are divinely inspired. I inspired them myself.

The idea of unnecessary space around the ankles, moving in contradictory direction from the rest of the body as it walks, was something that I originally planned to do with hair. When I created the first two human beings, I intended for the leg below the knee to be covered in long hair going down just to the top of the foot, as bellbottom trousers do now.

Wouldn’t you know it, I forgot about it. Oh, I am all-knowing, but knowing and remembering are not quite the same thing. As God, I know everything, but at any given moment there is a very large number of things that I cannot recall.

So, when I created the first man and the first woman, I left the long leg hair back at the shop, and only had a few scraps with me to work with. I told the woman all about my original plans, and she was quite ashamed about the mistake, which is why, to this day, so many women choose to shave their legs.

- God

Dear God,

I need your help with a matter concerning the ethics of fashion.

For much of the last decade, flared pants and bellbottoms were considered high fashion. Now, they’re out of fashion, and pants with tapered ankles are in. So, I’ve got a lot of pants now with unfashionable flappy ankles. I want to get rid of them, so as not to be wasteful, and so I’m considering donating them to a non-profit that will redistribute my bellbottoms to those who are too poor to buy their own pants.

I’m concerned, though, that wearing bellbottoms years after they were in style could stigmatize the poor, and perpetuate the cycle of poverty. What’s the right thing to do?

- Danata

Danata,

Keep the bellbottoms for yourself as an investment, storing them in your attic until they’re fashionable again. Then, to help the poor, find an organization that provides trendy clothes to poor people, to help their self-esteem. In Los Angeles, there’s a group called Poor Couture. Good luck.

- God

Dear God,

Our manager has announced that he wants to start out the new year with an office party. He thinks it’s going to bring us together in a positive attitude for the year to come, but I’m just anxious about it.

I’m fairly new to the work world, though, and so I really don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I’ve heard a lot about how office parties are terrible events where people get drunk and embarrass themselves in front of coworkers. The karaoke scene from Bridget Jones’s Diary comes to mind.

I’m hoping, God, that you can give me some advice on what to wear to the office party in order to avoid trouble. I’m afraid that my male coworkers will make passes at me, and so I’m inclined to wear something conservative. On the other hand, I’m also afraid that I’ll get the reputation in the office for being an uptight, dowdy shrew.

So, I’ve got a sleeveless blue dress that comes down to my knees, low cut in front, and a black dress with a matching jacket that goes all the way down to my ankles, and is artistic, rather than sexy, in style.

Which dress do you think that I ought to wear to the party?

- Olive

Olive,

Wear the black dress. The blue one has a stain on the back from a veggie dip you sat in at your sister’s birthday party without realizing it.

- God