Dear God,

After years of living in a small rented apartment, my wife and I have finally been able to buy our own home, in which we have a library for doing our paperwork in. My wife wants me to get us a desk that both of us can sit at, at the same time, across from each other, so that even as we do paperwork, we can look at each other and maintain a strong bond.

What kind of desk should I get for this kind of activity?

- Barry

Barry,

As you may have heard from church leaders, I have some pretty strict ideas about what family life should be like. Unfortunately, they only get it half right in what they say it is that I want husbands and wives to be like together.

Yes, I say that women should submit to their husbands, but the Christian church leaders never follow through with that. They never bothered to listen to what wives should submit to their husbands.

What I tried to tell them, long ago, is that wives should submit spreadsheets of investment portfolios to their husbands, so that husbands can put their signatures on them. I am very unyielding in this respect. I am dead against husbands shirking in their responsibility of putting signatures on investment portfolios.

A desk should reflect this important, divinely-sanctioned aspect of married life. A truly God-fearing desk for a husband and wife will have a special drawer into which a wife shall submit spreadsheets summarizing the couple’s investments. It shall be only for that purpose, and must be exactly one quarter-cubit in depth. Anything else is an abomination to me.

Other than that, I’d suggest getting a hard wood desk, with a nice deep stain that doesn’t show spills very easily.

- God

Dear God,

How does getting Yourself killed help You forgive people for stuff they didn’t do?

- Joe

Joe,

What you have to understand is that when that whole crucifixion thing happened, Jesus was kind of going through an acting out stage in his life. Any father will know what I’m talking about. Kids get self-obsessed, and desperate for attention, and sometimes they even think that if they just commit suicide, that everyone will love them and finally understand their pain.

The trouble with Jesus is that it actually took place. Let’s be frank about this: Jesus had a martyr complex. He really thought that he held all the bad actions of all humanity ever on his shoulders, and if he could just pay for it all, then everything would turn out all right in the end.

Look around you, and ask yourself: Did everything turn out all right in the end? No. These people who call Jesus the savior of the Earth are missing the obvious fact that the Earth has not been saved. Funny that.

As Jesus’s father, it really bugs me that people glorify what was really a twisted suicide pact that he and Pontius Pilate cooked up. It’s time to stop rewarding this kind of negative behavior.

Just ignore Jesus. He wanted the attention, and that’s why he misbehaved and threw away a perfectly good career in faith healing tent show revivals.

As for forgiveness for ancient sins, honestly, I lost track of all that a long time ago. I may be omniscient, but that doesn’t mean I don’t mislay a moral ledger every now and then. I honestly couldn’t care less about that whole apple from the forbidden tree thing. I’m over it, so why can’t people just let it drop?

- God

Dear God,

I saw an article over at an irreligious blog claiming that the following verse from the Bible, from the Gospel of John, chapter 15, verse 5, endorses gay sex: “If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit.”

They seem like godless heathens to me over there at that blog. But, do they have a point? Does this verse from the Gospel of John authorize homosexual intercourse?

- Straight Sam

Sam,

Let me set the record straight about what I meant when I wrote that verse of the Bible. That verse does not endorse homosexual intercourse.

It endorses cannibalism.

- God

Dear God,

What should I order for the kids to eat for breakfast today? We’re sitting at a Friendly’s restaurant - with a high speed wireless Internet connection - right now, and the kids want pancakes, but there’s also a big-two-do special for eggs, french toast, and sausage for just $2.99! Should I give my kids what they want, at the higher price for less, or should I give them another perfectly good meal, but not what they want, in order to save money?

- Selena

Selena,

What you should give your children for breakfast is a meal without your laptop computer at the table.

You’ve given up complete control over the meal by going out to the restaurant. The food at the Friendly’s is not exactly, poison, but the nutritional content of any breakfast meal there is likely to be equivalent. If you want to save money, then you should let the kids eat while you abstain, and just sip on some coffee.

Besides, in the Book of Leviticus, I clearly outlawed eating eggs on a Thursday, unless they are combined in a batter dip with leavened bread.

Not! Made you look, though.

- God

Dear God,

Why have you made Sunday our day of rest? How should I best observe this sabbath?

- Polly

Polly,

Your questions are based on a common misconception. I never intended Sunday to be a day of rest. Rather, I intended Sunday to be the day of nest. Bad handwriting on the part of medieval monks is responsible for this error, I’m afraid.

On the seventh day, I nested. I got some contact paper, and put it in my kitchen cupboards. I took the little area rugs out on the line and beat them with a stick to get the dust out. I washed the windows from the inside and outside, and I cleared out the lines in my coffee pot by running vinegar through the system, as recommended by the manufacturer.

How you should observe the day of nest is your own choice. Perhaps you could indulge your nesting instinct by organizing your bookshelf in alphabetical order, or by finally organizing those recyclables you’ve been storing in the back closet so that you can get them out on the curb this coming week.

Above all else, be sure to observe your duty to nest this Sunday. Never forget that I, the creator of the entire universe, care very deeply about how human beings organize their weekend schedule. How could any sane person question that?

- God

Dear God,

I have been thinking about it for some time now, and have decided that I would like to have a personal relationship with Jesus. The trouble is, I really don’t know how to go about establishing this relationship. Do you have any advice for me?

- Marvin

Marvin,

I really don’t know how to put this to you, but the fact is that Jesus is already spoken for. Jesus has been in a committed relationship with Isis for almost two thousand years now, and to be honest, I just don’t see them breaking up any time soon.

I would be less direct in my answer to you, but I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life waiting in vain.

Also, my earthly publicists also tell me that I am against same-sex romantic relationships, though I can’t remember ever saying so. It’s Leviticus something or other, I think.

It just so happens that there is a nice single young woman living right down the street from you. Would you like me to set you up on a blind date?

Best luck,

God

Dear God,

My husband is an avid player of the video game Civilization III. He doesn’t pay attention to me any more. He’s always saying something to me like, “Just give me one more minute! I’ve almost vanquished the Greeks!”

He won’t even come to bed with me any more. He stays up half the night, and from the next room, I have to hear him muttering things like, “I can’t believe that the Aztecs just built the Pyramids. I almost had them done!”

So, God, I want to know who to blame. Did you design this Civilization video game, or was it Satan?

- Odette

Odette,

You can blame it on me. The code for Civilization III is divinely inspired.

You’ve heard the Catholics talk about natural family planning? Well Civilization is information technology family planning.

Have you thought of taking on a technophobe lover?

- God

Dear God,

Two thousand years ago, you promised you followers that the End Times would soon arrive, and all of them would be saved, while their enemies would be dashed into little tiny bits and painfully destroyed.

So, we’ve been waiting! When will the End Times come? I’m ready to be saved and get my reward in heaven.

- Mark

Mark,

You remind me of when Jesus was young, and we would go out riding in my favorite chariot to go see his mother, Gaia, who lived very far away because my father, Kronos, didn’t approve of her. Anyway, I’d be driving the chariot across Asia Minor, and Jesus, who always rode in the back seat, would crane his neck up over my shoulder, and say, “My Father Who Art In Heaven, are we there yet?”

That always irritated me, which is why I worked up all that stuff about Jesus “having” to be crucified to save men from sin. I’ll tell you, after the crucifixion, when I told Jesus about my little practical joke, he didn’t talk to me for a week. I said, go visit your followers, if you want to give me the silent treatment, then. He said he was tired of the paparazzi always trying to draw his picture on papyrus.

Anyway, my point is that you’re really getting on my nerves. How about this: When we get close to the End Times, I’ll let you know. Until then, why don’t you just take a nap, or count telephone poles, or something, okay?

- God

Dear God,

A friend of mine pointed me to a web site which cites the 20th chapter of Genesis, verses 17 and 18, as proving that you approve of the practice of contraception. Here’s Bible quote they cite:

“God healed Abimelech, and his wife, and his maidservants; and they bare children. For the LORD had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech.”

According to this passage, it sure looks like you practice contraception - handing out contraceptives of some sort to all the women in the house of Abimelech.

Is it true? Are you really Pro-Choice? If so, what kind of contraceptive did you use?

- Hagar

Hagar,

It is true. I used contraceptives. But, it does not follow that I am Pro-Choice.

You see, I forced all the women of the house of Abimelech to take birth control pills. They had no choice in the matter.

Of course, I’m not Pro-Life either.

I’m Pro-God. My policy on sex and contraceptives is that I’m God and I can do whatever I want. The rest of you have to sort out this matter for yourselves.

- God