Dear God,

I like to buy a bottle of clean, cold water every morning to bring to work so that I can be confident about what I put in my body, and feel replenished. However, I have a lot of friends who say that I shouldn’t buy bottled water at all. They say that making the bottles and shipping the water adds to air pollution that comes down and makes water around the world a lot dirtier.

I’m confused. Should I buy bottled water or not?

- Anniston

Anniston,

I refuse to drink bottled water, myself.

I eat it. Bottled water is a lovely treat - crunchy on the outside, smooth and refreshing on the inside.

Why waste the bottle?

- God

Dear God,

I was recently confronted by a non-Christian friend of mine who said that my religion doesn’t make any sense, because if God created the Universe, he must have created everything bad about it too, and such a deity who would choose to make so much bad stuff must not be worth worship.

I told him that Satan was the source of all evil, but then he quoted a scripture from the Bible, Proverbs chapter 20 verse 22, which says, “Do no repay evil for evil. Wait for the Lord to handle the matter.”

He says that Bible verse indicates that you will repay evil for evil, and doesn’t that make you a clear source of bad things in the world.

How do I respond?

- Lawrence

Lawrence,

If you’re honest, you’ll respond by agreeing with your friend.

I am sick and tired of Satan taking credit for creating evil in the world. It’s not true. He’s just a copycat and wants the credit for himself. I am the original source. Who, after all, created Satan himself. That would be me.

People want to believe things about me because they idolize me. Oh, God is all good, they say. What they need to understand is that, as far as I’m concerned, everything I do is good, by definition, and that includes creating bad things.

When they say that I am omnibenevolent, what it really means is that my word defines what is good and what isn’t, because I’m the ruler of the universe, and you had better get used to it.

Don’t like it? Create your own universe, if you can.

- God

Dear God,

I need your help with a matter concerning the ethics of fashion.

For much of the last decade, flared pants and bellbottoms were considered high fashion. Now, they’re out of fashion, and pants with tapered ankles are in. So, I’ve got a lot of pants now with unfashionable flappy ankles. I want to get rid of them, so as not to be wasteful, and so I’m considering donating them to a non-profit that will redistribute my bellbottoms to those who are too poor to buy their own pants.

I’m concerned, though, that wearing bellbottoms years after they were in style could stigmatize the poor, and perpetuate the cycle of poverty. What’s the right thing to do?

- Danata

Danata,

Keep the bellbottoms for yourself as an investment, storing them in your attic until they’re fashionable again. Then, to help the poor, find an organization that provides trendy clothes to poor people, to help their self-esteem. In Los Angeles, there’s a group called Poor Couture. Good luck.

- God

Dear God,

Today, I read a study by the World Institute for Development Economics Research that concludes that only one percent of the world’s people control 40 percent of the world’s wealth, and that 90 percent of the world’s people are forced to share just one percent of the world’s wealth.

This seems outrageously unjust to me. They say that you are omnibenevolent, purely good. If that’s true, how can you allow such injustice to continue in the world?

- Pierre

Pierre,

This system of distribution of wealth seems unjust to you only because you don’t know all the facts. What you didn’t know is that that big 90 percent chunk of economically poor people around the world in fact have much better representation in other areas of human life.

Did you know, for example, that the 90 percent of the world that is so much financially poorer than everybody else in fact has a much higher representation of their folk music on Putamayo albums of world music? It’s true.

Also, those poor people you seem so concerned about require much less medication for depression. Why, the percentage of people in that bottom 90 percent who take Prozac every day is much lower than the number of people in the most wealthy one percent who take Prozac every day.

Also, people in the 90 percent that is more poor are documented to have fewer instances of mechanical problems with their second cars.

See? If you take the time to look at the details, you’ll find that this supposed injustice all comes out in the wash. The world truly is just, as I have ordained it to be.

- God

Dear God,

I’ve been thinking about going into merchandising. It seems to me that a website that sells Christian-themed merchandise is a great way to make money. Since I’m not Christian, would it be wrong for me to do that? Also, would I be risking my own immortal soul by selling merchandise that could cause true-believers to worship false idols?

Thank you!

-Cameron

Cameron,

Since you are not a Christian, everything you do would be wrong! Haven’t you ever heard of the lake of fire? No? Well, have you heard about the pond of newts? How about the creek of old raisins?

Oh, how many punishments I have for non-Christians! No one could count them but me. If you were to offer try to sell Christian merchandise as a non-Christian, I would punish you eternally after your death by casting you into a tidepool of little styrofoam balls, which, covered with static electricity, you would never be able to get out of your hair.

The wages of sin are death, then little bits of styrofoam!

- God

Dear God,

I walked into a McDonald’s this afternoon to see that the fast food restaurant chain is now glorifying international piracy in the Caribbean and promoting in the traffic of stolen goods - specifically, a “Dead Man’s Chest”.

As a God-fearing Christian, I was plainly shocked to see such murderous criminal conspiracies being promoted in a place where my neighbors bring their children to eat and play.

Why is McDonald’s now advocating piracy on the high seas, and what is the best ethical response I could show to this outrage?

- Carlita

Carlita,

The McDonald’s corporate leaders do not support this pirate conspiracy that you have identified. Rather, it is pirates themselves who have shanghied McDonald’s corporate executives and taken over the franchise chain for their nefarious schemes.

I suggest that you put on an old baggy shirt, wrap your hair up in a scarf, wear an eye patch, and walk into your nearest McDonald’s with a rusty sword, asking the people at the counter if they’ve ever been to sea.

That should provoke some action.

- God

Dear God,

I am deeply troubled to see that ten Democrats in the United States voted for a law that tries to make English the official language of the United States of America, and denies government services to anyone who speaks a language other than English … even if they were born in this country and their language is indigenous to the United States.

The Democrats who voted for this racist, bigoted law are:

Mary Landrieu from Louisiana
Senator Conrad from North Dakota
Tom Carper from Delaware
Robert Byrd from West Virginia
Max Baucus from Montana
Byron Dorgan from North Dakota
Blanche Lincoln from Arkansas
Senator Nelson from Florida
Senator Nelson from Nebraska
Mark Pryor from Arkansas

I think these Democratic Senators ought to be ashamed of themselves for going along with the anti-Hispanic hysteria that the Republicans are whipping up in Americans’ hearts. It’s all about hate, and I am saddened by the Democratic Party’s involvement in it.

Why did these Democrats betray us with this vote?

- Samuel

Samuel

No sé. Es una ley fea.

Enviaré un huracán a Arkansas para castigar este pecado.

- Dios

Dear God,

Whenever I travel with my business partner, he refuses to look at the safety card or the flight attendant when instructions are given for what to do in case the plane crashes. I worry that he is putting the safety of me and the other passengers at risk. What should I do?

- Petra

Petra,

What should you do? It’s as plain as day.

You should sell any real estate that you currently own. I have forseen that the housing market will crash within the next nine months.

Also, be sure to get plenty of fiber in your diet.

When it comes to your partner’s apathy, don’t worry. My omniscience tells me that there will be no plane crashes in your future.

If you can’t stop feeling nervous about travelling with your partner, take the aisle seat and chew some spearmint gum. I’ve got some big investments in spearmint farms in Paraguay, where most of the mint flavoring in American chewing gums comes from.

- God

Dear God,

In my life, I try to be a good person. But sometimes I get caught up in hectic everyday life, and I catch myself swearing at other drivers on the road, or even being rude to other Christmas shoppers. I don’t want to live my life this way, God. If I call on You in these times, would you please help me to find the love and compassion it takes to be a moral person?

-Barbara

Barbara,

Can do, but won’t. That’s not my shtick. Remember the part in Genesis where I stopped all babies from being born for twenty years before I flooded the earth in the age of Noah, so that when I destroyed the wicked I wouldn’t kill innocent children along with them? No? That’s because it’s not there! I drowned them all, babies too young to speak and infants too young to smile. That’s right. I’m one bad mamba jamba, so don’t screw with me.

There are pagans, as I’m sure you know, who dedicate their whole lives to the cultivation of compassion and kindness. And are they going to Heaven when they die? Noooooo!

Where did you get this love and kindness business anyway? Oh, I suppose that hippy son of mine might have gotten into that while he was wandering around drinking wine with his long-haired friends, but there’s really only one thing you need to know about Him: His name.

His name is like a password. All you have to do is say, “I accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior,” make yourself believe it, and you’ll feel this incredible buzz come over you. It’s better than drugs, believe me. (Not that I’ve tried drugs or anything, but believe me anyway.) Anyhow, you’ll be saved. Then you can go out and do whatever you want, cut people off in traffic, cheat on your taxes, fight with your co-workers, whatever. Then all you need to do is the little password/headbuzz thing and you’re saved again.

–God