Advice From God

Dear God,

I am totally Your biggest fan. I have read all Your books and I just love them, especially Revelation. It is so cool.

The other day, I was thinking about how amazing it is that You are everywhere all at once. The only problem was, I happened to be sitting on the toilet at the time. I wondered, should I go to the bathroom? I don’t want to go to the bathroom on You Lord, but if you’re everywhere in the whole universe at the same time, I really don’t see how I can avoid it. I can’t hold it in forever. What should I do?

- Penny

Penny,

In your lavatorial musings, you appear to have stumbled onto a conundrum inherent in the doctrine of divine omnipresence. That’s a lot of fancy God talk that means yes, I am everywhere all at once, and it does seem like a problem.
The thing is, Penny, I am not just in the toilet. I am also inside your intestines. So if you hold it in, you’re not really doing me any favors. Furthermore, I transcend time. That means that as far as I am concerned the food you eat is already excrement before you even put it in your mouth, except for communion wafers because they are magic.

Try not to indulge in theological speculation while you’re in the bathroom. Straining too hard to empty your bowels can affect the flow of oxygen to your brain, inducing a state of deep thought. Try to avoid that. It is not good for you.

- God

Dear God,

If you are all powerful like everybody says, can you make a rock that is so heavy that even you can’t lift it?

- Brad

Brad,

Yes, you smart ass, I can.

It is within my power to create a rock that is so heavy that even I can not lift it. Then, it is also in my power to jolly well lift it if I so please.

Got a problem with that? (Before you answer, keep in mind that I’m holding an unholdable rock in my hand.)

- God