Advice From God

I just read an article in the Vancouver Sun, which quoted neurologist Georg Northoff as saying that people will never be able to scientifically prove that God exists.

“We will never be able to answer the existence of God,” Northoff said. “We can research the neuro-mechanism into belief, but we cannot say anything about God. That’s where we have to go to philosophy.”

Is it true God? Can science never say anything about your existence?

- Jewel

Jewel,

Of course science can say things about my existence! It’s nonsense for Northoff to say otherwise.

I am a known quantity. Here I am, right here, right now, for instance, writing this blog. Why isn’t that enough to prove that I exist? Does anyone question whether Ariana Huffington exists?

If those scientists weren’t such wimps, they come right over here to my blog right now and start studying me. But nooooo. They’re too afraid.

- God

I am an enthusiastic believer in the power of esoteric knowldge. You, surely, are in possession of the most profound level of knowledge possible.

It is with this in mind that I ask you, God, to explain to me the esoteric truth underlying the mystery of the Trinity.

- Benedict

Benedict,

To understand the deeper significance of the Trinity, you need to start with the fundamental truth that, as God, I am omnipresent.

From that primal truth, you must accept that I am present in strawberries. Given that strawberry nature of my divinity, you must then confront the theological challenge of neapolitan ice cream. You gaze upon the Trinity of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. Which flavor do you eat first?

Remember the command I gave through the prophet Moses: Thou shall have no other gods before me. So, have the strawberry ice cream first.

Of course, being omnipresent, I am also in the chocolate and vanilla. That is the deep mystery of the Trinity.

- God

One of the biggest political divisions in the United States right now is between people who believe that cutting the taxes of wealthy Americans will stimulate the economy as a whole, and those who believe that the wealthy ought to pull more of their weight.

What’s your opinion, God? Do you support tax cuts for the rich?

- Humphrey

Humphrey,

It has been said of me that “God helps those who helps themselves.” What does that aphorism mean? It means that when you see something you want, you should just help yourself! Take it! Also, when it comes to diets, I disapprove. Cake? Help yourself! Ice cream? Help yourself!

The other aspect of that aphorism is that I believe that the only people who should get help are people who don’t need help. So, when it comes to divine intervention, I only come into the picture after the task has been accomplished. Sometimes, I’ll put a little mystical glow on it, so that I can take credit, but basically, I don’t do anything at all.

Thus, the world appears to be as it would if I didn’t exist at all. Oh, but I’m here. I’m just a divine libertarian, that’s all. I say that the best God is the God that blesses least. I may be omnipotent, but being omnipotent includes the power to not do anything at all. That’s what that aphorism means.

So, in terms of taxation, the way that I apply this fiscal theology is to just let the powerful be powerful, because, after all, they’ve helped themselves! Don’t tax them. Tax the little people who barely have anything to give! They have not helped themselves, and I don’t think we should help them, do you?

You know, my son Jesus once said, when he was talking off-script, that it would be easier for a rich man to get into heaven than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle. What Jesus didn’t mention is that camels are interdimensional creatures who can bend time and space to suit their needs. That’s why camels don’t need to drink much water. They just go into a parallel reality and take water from there. They help themselves! So, you see, camels can move through the eye of a needle very easily. They just go to a parallel reality in which the eyes of needles are as big as houses.

So, rich people can get into heaven easily, and the poor can’t. They’ll burn, burn, burn. Sorry, but that’s how it is, because that’s how I like it. The powerful prosper, and the poor can whine all they like, but there’s no reason for anyone to listen to them. If we did what the poor recommended, then we’d all be poor, right?

What, did you think the universe was a democracy? Heck no! I’m God, and I rule it all! There is no divine Congress or heavenly Supreme Court telling me what to do! I do what I want, and I own everything, and that includes you.

That’s the main reason I am against taxing the rich. I’m the richest person of all. Do you have any idea how much I would have to pay if I had to pay taxes? You don’t want me to lose my estate, do you?

Don’t like it? Tough. Go find another god who will help you – not that it will be easy for you. We all like to have things our own way.

- God

Yesterday, you made reference to an eighth day of Creation, something that isn’t mentioned in the Bible.

My curiosity can’t hold out until you volunteer the information. I have to ask: What did you create on the eighth day, God?

- Louie

Louise,

I am so glad you asked, but I have a feeling you won’t be so glad when you get the answer. On the eighth day of Creation, I made an infinite number of parallel dimensions, each with an alternative version of the reality that you know. This infinite number of dimensions was an unavoidable consequence of free will, which I made when I created human beings.

You see, each alternative reality represents another possibility – the world as it would have been if someone had made just one different decision. Morally, that means that even if you live the most ethical life possible in this reality, in another dimension, you’re an incurable sinner.

That means that, no matter how hard you try, you’re doomed to burn in Hell for all eternity, and it’s all your fault… or at least your fault in some other dimension. Prepare the asbestos.

- God

Where did you go? I came to Advice From God earlier today, and found nothing but a blank screen of blue. Now I see that this divine advice column has changed, adopting a new look.

My religious faith is rocked to the core. I thought that you were supposed to be eternal, and unchanging, God. How could you have gone away? How could you have changed your look?

- Louie

Louie,

I may be eternal, but I am also omnipotent.

If I don’t have the power to update my look, then I am not omnipotent. If I don’t have the power to go away for a while and no longer exist, then I am not omnipotent.

Also, you need to reconsider your idea that I am just one thing. After all, if I don’t have the power to be two-faced, then I am not omnipotent.

Expand your mind, Louie. Also, try to have some patience as I get all the Advice From God features back up. Creation of the Earth took me eight days, after all…

… and just wait until I tell you about that eighth day.

- God

I’m confused by an opinion poll commissioned by the TV show Religion and Ethics NewsWeekly. The poll finds that a majority of Americans believe that the United States of America has a special superior blessing from you, God. Yet, the same poll finds that an even higher majority of Americans believes that the United States often does more harm than good in the world.

That means that at least half of Americans believe that you, God, have blessed the USA to be the best nation on earth, and yet the USA messes up a lot of the time.

How is this possible?

- Everett

Everett,

Your puzzlement is caused by a fundamental misunderstanding. You believe that the blessing of God will lead people to make wise judgments in life. That’s an arrogant presumption. Wisdom is a quality of God, not of human being. The truly God-loving people of the earth have the integrity not to be wise.

Besides, how is anyone ever going to get to heaven without making lots of mistakes? You have to be forgiven to get to heaven, not right. I bless the United States with messing up a lot, so that Americans will have a lot more opportunities to ask me for forgiveness, and then go to heaven.

Don’t think about it Everett. Just trust me, and embrace the divinely-inspired mishaps of life.

-God

Are you any good at algebra? I only ask because it is all about unknowns, and what with you being omniscient, I guess they must be pretty unfamiliar to you.

-Joe

Dear Joe,

Well Joe, has it ever occurred to you that if unknowns were unfamiliar to me, there would be something I didn’t know? Nothing is unknown to me, including unknowns.

This is what distinguishes me from, say, Donald Rumsfeld, who knows that there are known unknowns and unknown unknowns, but has no knowledge of unknown unknowns other than the fact that they lend themselves poorly to war propaganda, but lend themselves quite well to half-assed excuses for killing tens of thousands of people he didn’t know he didn’t know he didn’t have to kill.

I am very good at algebra. In fact, I am far better at algebra than a mere mortal mind like yours could possibly comprehend. Here’s an example:

Let X = an unknown integer between 5 and 10.

What is the value of X? Well, it’s unknown. But I happen to know it’s 7.

See? I’m a math whiz, yo.

-God

I have been going through some difficult times in my life, and I have tried to turn to you for help. So far, though, you have not helped me. I have refused to be discouraged, and I keep on searching. My quest has been to understand, as I suffer, what God really wants from me, and why he has made me endure such suffering.

Then, yesterday, I came across some writings by the Reverend Earnest Anderson. Reverend Anderson writes, “God wants us to have a spiritual growth spurt. He wants us more mature like His Son so that we can play a bigger part in His eternal purposes.”

Well, that told me all I needed to know. But, now I’m angry at you, God. It seems that you only value us human beings as some kind of livestock, so that you can fatten us up for the slaughter.

You feed us hope, so that we can have a “spiritual growth spurt”, but in the end, you intend to treat us just like you treated Jesus. You’re going to kill all your followers, in one form or another, through automobile accidents, or cancer, or Alzheimer’s, and you’re going to get your spiritual nutrition from our suffering as we parish.

God, you are like a vampire. I’m on to your schemes. So now, I want you to tell me what I have to do to fend off your sadistic sacrificial plans. Tell me, or I’ll spill the beans.

- Andrew

Andrew,

Well, it’s the same thing as with vampires, really. Garlic.

If you want to be free from the curse of suffering and death, you must wear a clove of fresh garlic around your neck at all times. Never let yourself be free of that clove of garlic, however – not even for a second, even to take a shower. The minute you let your guard down, you will be subject to my curse again.

I’ll be watching and waiting, Andrew, for you to let that garlic slip out of your grasp. I’m going to get you, Andrew, and then your spiritual growth spurt will be mine to feast upon, slowly, savoring every last morsel.

- God

They say that you are omnipotent, that you can do anything. I don’t believe it.

There’s got to be at least one thing that you can’t do, or you wouldn’t be able to be powerless, and therefore you wouldn’t be all powerful.
So, what’s one thing you can’t do?

- Horatio

Horatio,

You caught me. There is one thing that I can’t do: Drive legally in the state of Florida. Go ahead and look it up in the official records: I’ve never been issued a driver’s license there.

Just let the Florida State Police try to pull me over, though. Just let them try.

- God

Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney have introduced the ideas of theology into the 2008 presidential election, as Mike Huckabee has questioned whether Mormons like Mitt Romney believe that Jesus and the Devil are brothers.

I thought that the question should be settled with you. So, is it true? Is Jesus the brother of Satan?

- Ruben

Ruben,

Of course it’s not true. Jesus is the Devil’s father. Any fool could see that this relationship makes it impossible for Jesus to be the Devil’s brother as well.
Jesus was in his twenties when he wandered up the Rhine and encountered a young woman named Bertha. They fell in love, and had a son.

Jesus tried to establish himself professionally in the area, but could only find employment as a circus performer, doing tricks with a unicycle and frozen fish in an act he did under the stage name of Otto the Ridiculous. One day, when Jesus was flipping a herring into the air, he felt the earth rumble, and saw that a freak avalanche was coming down the mountainside right toward the little house where he and Bertha lived.

Even with his unicycle, Jesus couldn’t make it in time to rescue Bertha. As for his baby son, he was never found…

… at least not by human hands. The son of Jesus and Bertha was swept by the avalanche into a cave inhabited by ice demons, who raised him as best they could, granting him magical powers that eventually allowed him to become the Devil.

That is the true story of the family relationship between Jesus and the Devil. I hope that helps you make your decision about who to vote for in the 2008 presidential election.

- God