Advice From God

Dear God,

My attention was caught by a recent speech made by Congressman John Shimkus. Representative Shimkus said that he didn’t think that it was possible that there could be any global warming caused by human activity, because the Bible says that you, God, made the promise to Noah not to try to harm people with warmer weather or by flooding anything.

Shimkus said that he would base his ideas about global warming not on science, but on the Bible, because the Bible is your word, and your word is unchanging. Is it true, God? Is your word unchanging?

- Lorelei

Lorelei,

No, it is not true that my word is unchanging. I change the Word of God every day, as a matter of fact.

Today, for example, the Word of God is blueberry. Yesterday, the Word of God was unforseen. Tomorrow, well, you’ll just have to wait and see.

- God

Dear God,

The ancient Christian sage Origen said that you wisely wrote the Bible as incoherent nonsense so as to provoke believers into a higher level of awareness of divine truth that is only possible through complete confusion.

Was Origin right?

- Brad

Brad,

Origen was babbling nonsense when he wrote that, in order to confuse his followers into greater enlightenment. Origen knew that if he said something really stupid, it would force Christians into a deeper contemplation of his wisdom.

I will give you this insight directly, however. Here is the divine truth behind Origen’s implausible writings:

In a bush, there is a bird with no feathers, with 12 faces and a tail made of copper. The bird is the daughter of the universe, which has no children, and has yet to come into being. The lasagna we eat together is already in your stomach, and is neither pasta nor the plate. I am therefore the name printed on the tag in your pajama bottoms.

There. Are you ascending to heaven yet?

- God

Dear God,

What is the most holy scripture of all?

- Jacob

Jacob,

The most holy scripture of all has never been written in a book, or on a scroll, or even on a scrap of parchment.

The most holy scripture is written in my own hand, and given that I am the size of the universe, it’s pretty big.

I like to use many different fonts in my holy scripture: Grass, blood, ocean waves, nebulas, electrons, and the conversations people have talking into their cell phones while walking down the sidewalk.

You can never hope to know even a millionth of a percent of this scripture, and if you think you understand a piece of it that you happen to run into, you’re only partially right, because the text is longer and deeper and thicker than you can imagine.

Your incurable ignorance of the scripture is the subject of an entire chapter. Be at peace with this, and be glad that I’ve got this blog to give you advice on how to cope with the consequences.

- God

Dear God,

Industry-aligned think tank researcher Roy Spencer seems to have been mixing religion and science in his work for the Interfaith Stewardship Center, which advocates a “proper and balanced Biblical view of stewardship to the critical issues of environment and development.” Roy Spencer’s specific work in this area relates to climate change, an issue that Spencer has commented on while working for organizations that take money from Exxon-Mobil.

I’m confused about this idea that there a Biblical view of climate change, given that the Bible was written two thousand years ago, and climate change has only been happening within the last century.

What part of the Bible provides the Interfaith Stewardship Center’s “Biblical view” on climate change?

- Bud

Bud,

It’s very clear. Genesis, Chapter 8 explains it all: “God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters assuaged.”

This passage very clearly states that it’s me, God, who makes the weather, not human beings. Furthermore, the passage states that increased winds lead to lower sea levels. Sea levels are rising now, and so that must mean that winds are calming down, and that is an observation that’s completely at odds with climate models of what would take place under global warming.

There you have it. Everything you need to prove that global warming isn’t taking place is right there in the Bible.

- God

Dear God

News has come out that one of my favorite religious authors, Neale Donald Walsch, has been caught plagiarizing the work of another writer, copying it word for word and claiming that he wrote it himself.

Now, some are claiming that this isn’t the first case of plagiarism involving Neale Donald Walsch. Some people are saying that you were involved in a plagiarism conspiracy with Walsch.
They’re saying that the Conversations With God books, in which Walsch claims to quote you, God, were actually all written by Walsch. They’re saying that you just took credit for Walsch’s words, and that he paid you off to keep you quiet.

Is it true, God? Is it true?

- Tanya

Tanya,

I am disappointed with you. Did you really think that I wouldn’t notice that you have plagiarized this question? I wrote this question myself a few hundred years ago, as part of a one act musical entitled Holy Scriptures!
Now, I have a piece of advice for you, Tanya. Neale Donald Walsch wrote it down in Conversations With God after I told him to: Make your life a gift and remember in all ways you are the gift.

If that doesn’t work, then okay, go ahead steal another writer’s words. Remember, they are the gift.

- God

Dear God,

In order to try to get Christianity taught in public schools, there are organizations that have created courses designed to teach the Christian Bible as literature, with the idea being that the Bible is such a well written book that it should be studied in order to help children become better writers themselves.

What do you think of this approach?

- Cadman

Cadman,

I have a hard time how anyone can avoid recognizing the literary worth of the Bible. All children have something to learn from the book. Take the following passage as an example:

When Israel finished killing all the inhabitants of Ai in the open ground and where they had followed them into the wilderness, and when all to a man had fallen by the edge of the sword, all Israel returned to Ai and slaughtered all its people. The number of those that fell that day, men and women together, was twelve thousand, all people of Ai.

Isn’t that just the kind of thing we need children to be reading more of?

- God

Dear God,

The other day, Jimmy Peterson punched me just because I told him he was a bad person and would go to Hell because he doesn’t believe in You, which he doesn’t. Anyhow, he punched me really hard in the stomach then walked away.

Later that night, Mom made me stop my bedtime prayer because I asked You to come and knock his teeth out. She said You want us to be nice to people, and made me say a nice prayer even though I didn’t want to. She told me to forgive Jimmy Peterson and ask You to forgive him too.

Is my Mom right? Do You really want us to be nice to people and forgive them?

-Billy

Dear Billy,

Your Mom has no idea what she’s talking about. She obviously hasn’t read David’s prayer to Me in Psalm 58:6:

“Break their teeth, O God, in their mouth: break out the great teeth of the young lions, O LORD!”

THAT’S what I’M talking about!

And when I do come and knock out the little bastard’s teeth, go ahead and enjoy it:

“The righteous shall rejoice when he seeth the vengeance: he shall wash his feet in the blood of the wicked.” (Psalm 58:10)

- God

Dear God,

I have a neighbor whose entire house was decorated according to the dictates of Feng Shui. She calls herself Christian, yet talks about the “energies” of her house according to this Japanese mumbo jumbo. I regard it all as simple blasphemy.

I want to present a true alternative example in Christian decorating skills, and I’m starting with the pillows.

So, God, how can I select pillows for my house in a manner that will be the most Christian?

- Marsha

Marsha,

As the Fundamentalists have proven, it’s important to regard every single decision in life according to what has been written about it in the Bible. So, what pillow would Jesus use?

There is only one actual pillow mentioned in the Bible: A pillow upon which Jesus fell asleep while riding in a boat. Therefore, every pillow in your house should come from a boat. To choose any other kind of pillow would be sinful, and would doom you to Hell.

- God

Dear God,

I am deeply concerned about global warming caused by the burning of fossil fuels. I fear that if we don’t change course quickly, the damage to your creation will be grave and irreparable. It seems to me that this is among the paramount ethical issues of our time. I also know that the Bible is the single source of moral authority available to us on earth. So why doesn’t the Bible say anything about the burning of fossil fuels?

Sincerely,

- Sidney

Sidney,

Good question. As a matter of fact, the Bible used to contain a very specific injunction against the burning of fossil fuels. It was number twelve of the Twenty Commandments Moses brought down from Mount Sinai. I realize it’s not in the edition of the Bible you have, so I thought I’d pass it along. While I’m at it, I’ll throw in numbers eleven and thirteen too, since they’re pretty much directed at the people of your age:

Commandment Eleven: “When thou hast harnessed the power of lightning, craftest thou not thereby images of the trite and banal for the distraction of thy children.”

Commandment Twelve: “Defilest thou not the sacred tombs of primeval groves, nor burn thou the contents thereof.”

Commandment Thirteen: “If thou takest multiple lovers, gird thee thy loins in the vulcanized sap of a tropical tree.”

There are seven more, but I don’t think they’d interest you. They’re for people in the distant future-dos and don’ts of building massive gamma wave sinks to cloak radiation emanating from the solar system in order to fend of interstellar attack, stuff like that.

Sorry those three didn’t make it down to you. Now that I think about it, they could have helped you out with some of those problems you’ve been having down there lately. It’s not really my fault, though. It was those darn medieval exegetes who edited the last ten commandments out, because they didn’t see the relevance to them. I came to them in visions and tried to explain, “Look, guys, it’s not all about you. The Bible is my word to mankind for all time, including the distant future. You don’t have to understand the whole thing, just translate it the best you can and pass it along.” Unfortunately, every time I appeared to them they just took to flagellating themselves all the harder, so I eventually gave up.

I explained the whole thing to the medieval exegetes when they got to heaven, and we all had a good laugh. It’s funny, in the grand scale of things. You may not be able to see the humor in it now, but you will after you die-trust me.

See you then,

- God

Dear God,

I was recently reading the Book of Numbers, Chapter 31, in which you commanded Moses to slaughter the people of Midian. Moses, as part of that slaughter, commanded his followers to kill all the little boys, saying, “Now therefore kill every male among the little ones.”

When the followers of Moses killed all the little boys they captured from Midian, you did not protest. You did not tell Moses he had done a bad thing by commanding the massive slaughter of children. In fact, it is implied in the Book of Numbers that Moses committed this atrocity at your suggestion.

Yet, in my country today, it is a crime to round up little children and kill them. Are these laws against the murder of children in violation of the will of God? If so, when is it okay to kill little boys, and when is it a sin?

- Daniel

Daniel,

You’ve got it all wrong.

That chapter from the Book of Numbers was rewritten by the descendents of Moses, so that he would not look bad.

I certainly did protest against the slaughter of those innocent boys by Moses. The children of Moses had those protests censored.
What I really said to Moses was this: “Now therefore kill every male among the little swans.” I was just suggesting to Moses that he might want to go with his soldiers on a hunting party in the marshlands around Midian.

Moses just wasn’t paying close attention to what I said. That was pretty typical of him. Why, did you know that I dictated 47 commandments to him when I appeared to him as a burning bush? Moses didn’t take notes, and he just came back with those tablets showing the ones he could remember off the top of his head, and he didn’t even get all of that right.

I would never, ever, ever, condone murder. I am, after all, omnibenevolent. For every contradiction of that truth in the Holy Bible, I can show you a serious typographical error.

- God