Advice From God

Dear God,

I was just reading the wise words of Justin Meyer of the Calvary Christian Church, writing in the St. Helena Star. He was pointing out that people would do a whole lot better and not have so many problems if they would just start listening to what you said.

Meyer said, “We serve such a great God! Jesus understands us and represents us. So even when we fail, we can come to our Big Daddy and receive His mercy and get everything we need.”

Well, Big Daddy, I need one thousand by the end of this month to pay my mortgage, or the bank is going to start the process of foreclosing on my house. I’ve failed to find a job, so could you give me your mercy and give me what I need?

- Paul

Paul,

I’ve already figured out what you need, actually, and I’ve decided that you don’t need that house. What you need is an attitude change. When you’re all powerful like me, you see, it’s easy to tell when other people aren’t humble enough. That’s you to a T.

What you need is to lose everything, and go live in a subway tunnel. That’s where you’ll learn that all you really need is one can of dog food to eat every day. Don’t worry, I’ll give you that.

I’m sure you’ll be grateful when you discover that you don’t really need a house to live in. Send me your thanks when you get there, and remember to pray to me every night. I need the praise.

- God

Dear God,

I serve a small, non-denominational Christian church in a small community in the upper Midwest. I have come to believe that the people in my rural county have no one else to provide them with spiritual guidance.

That makes my problem all the worse. You see, I can’t seem to write a good sermon. Church attendance is getting lower and lower. God, how can learn how to write a sermon that will keep my flock in attendance?

- Reverend Ernie Payle

Ernie,

I have looked into you heart. The answer is that you cannot learn to write a good sermon… unless you go to the people at BuyYourCheap.com, who are selling, as they put it, “A great sermons product”.

They explain, “It can be quite a daunting task, especially if you’ve never written one before. Where do you start? What will be your topic? Which portion of the Bible are you expounding on?”

I want to warn you, Ernie, that if you start expounding on the Bible, you ought to have a tissue handy, so that you don’t stain it.

Another source I recommend is SermonWorld.com: “the monthly sermon subscription service that will revolutionize the way you do ministry! Imagine always being prepared a month in advance with complete sermon manuscripts and accompanying Powerpoint files”. This service promises extra “goodies” only available to subscribers.

There’s many a Christian preacher I know who just couldn’t continue in his profession without resorting to those extra “goodies” every now and then, if you know what I mean.

- God

Dear God,

I am planning to run for a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives next year, as an independent candidate. What are the steps that I can take to guarantee my victory?

- Jim

Jim,

1. Make sure that you are legally qualified for office. Are you a citizen? Are you above the minimum age?
2. Get all your petitions signed and turned in on time.
3. Make sure all your required campaign forms are filed correctly.
4. Meet with reporters from all local newspapers. Build friendships with them.
5. After the date for candidates to enter the race has ended, murder all your opponents. Don’t get caught.

Good luck with your campaign, Jim.

- God

Dear God,

I have a problem with my computer screen. I have a beautiful view from my office, with windows on three walls, but when I arrive in the morning the sun shines so strongly that I can hardly see anything I’m doing on the computer. The same thing happens in the afternoon, when the sun comes in from the opposite direction.

How can I get around this problem?

- Hercule

Hercule,

I have had the same problem myself. Once, I had a branch office in England, but the sun created an annoying glare that distracted me from my work – especially during certain seasons. It was there I made the platypus. Sorry, platypus, but I had a hard time seeing what I was doing.

So, I set up some big stone blocks to get the sun out of my eyes. You can do the same thing, though with lighter Space Age materials that were not available to me back in the day. Set up an Officehenge.

If you do it right, there’s an extra added benefit that, whenever the light goes around your office to a particular place, you’ll know when it’s time to stop working and turn on your favorite TV shows.

- God

Dear God,

I’m a forty year-old father of three. I love my family, and I want to do well by them, but I’m about at the end of my rope.

I’ve been working long hours at my job for years now, always feeling that I’m on the verge of achieving financial success. Just when I think I have financial stability in grasp, an unanticipated cost comes up, and I have to put my nose back to the grindstone again.

I want to make sure that my family is provided for, but I’m exhausted. What can I do to overcome my fatigue and re-energize my professional life to finally attain the success I’ve been working toward for so long?

- Eugene

Eugene,

When I get feeling blue, or a little bit lost, or not sure what to do next, I always invent a new religion. I find someone to be my special prophet for a few years, and give that person magical powers to impress the little people and get them to pay attention. Then, the followers of the new religion give me extra-special enthusiastic worship, convinced that they’re going to change the world. The prophets rarely survive for longer than five or ten years, but the believers keep on worshipping me in a new, jim dandy kind of way that makes me feel all rosy inside again.

Oh, wait. I forgot. You’re not omnipotent. That must explain why you’re tired all the time.

Hm. Have you tried pulling yourself up by your bootstraps?

- God

b>Dear God,

In Jerry Springer The Opera, you sing “It aint easy being me” and ask Jerry, of all people, for advice. But have you considered hiring a professional management consultant? Are there any management consultants in heaven?

- Tremont

Tremont,

That’s an excellent question. It isn’t easy being me, but the fact is that Jerry Springer isn’t really much help. He didn’t give me any advice that worked in the end.

The truth is that I have created the entire universe as a kind of management consultant. It’s like a mirror really, given that I am the cosmos. I look at the universe, and it tells me things about myself. It’s all about me, me, me.

I have hired a professional management consultant from San Diego, and she tells me that I need to stop thinking about myself. Let me tell you, that’s not an easy thing to do when you’re omnipresent, but, thankfully, I am also omnipotent, so I could stop thinking about myself, if I really wanted to. The truth of the matter is that I really don’t want to.

Now, about heaven. Yes, there are plenty of professional management consultants in heaven.

Thinking about that, it doesn’t fill me with very much confidence about their skills. Death is, after all, the ultimate end to one’s career, and these consultants are all dead. That’s how they got into heaven, after all. They haven’t been very successful at keeping their careers going, have they? So, although all the professional management consultants in heaven keep on begging me for work, I refuse to hire any of them.

- God